ANBU's Mascot
by theriku260
Summary: After signing a contract to work for the Hokage till he's "older than dirt", Naruto is drafted into ANBU. Or so he thinks. Join him as he completes "missions" in the black ops in exchange for training, including his most challenging one yet: protecting one Sasuke Uchiha at school...and wait, Iruka's a traitor? And Pein is over ruled?
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter one: World's worst assignment.**

 **Hokage's office, nine years after kyubi attack…**

"I refuse." A squeaky voice said, Kitsune mask on his face hiding his no doubt childish pout. The ANBU in the office sniggered as he crossed his arms.

"You can't, I'm your Hokage." Sarutobi said with a smirk that sent shivers down the young ANBU's spine. _Heh, that will teach the brat to prank me._

"I retire, then!" The Kitsune mask said, and threw the mask at his leader. The Hokage waved his hand and two agents appeared at the small figure's side, grabbing the mask and forcing it back on his face.

"I'm afraid you can't retire until you are, and I quote "older than dirt." Seeing as the dirt outside is _still_ older than you…I still own you." The Hokage held up the contract Kitsune had signed in crayon when he was four. Kitsune cursed with far more words than he should know. "Tsk, tsk, such venom from my most trusted ANBU. You are the only one I trust to complete this task."

"Really?" The child's voice peaked in pride. "I'm the only one you trust?"

"Of course, Naruto. You're one of my best" _gullible_ "and I wouldn't dream of letting another do this. Will you help me out?"

"Of course, Hokage-jiji! Naruto Uzumaki, future ANBU commander, accepts the mission!" The child salutes and darts out of the office. As soon as dust settled everyone burst into laughter.

"Did you- did you get that on tape, Kakashi?" A Boar masked ANBU asked through snorts of laughter. An Inu masked ANBU appeared with a video camera.

"Every second. Hokage-sama, care to join in this week's funniest ANBU moments viewing?" Sarutobi grinned and nodded.

"Why of course. How else are we supposed to get our daily laughs in? Naruto certainly does his job well. Too bad he's going to hate us when he realizes ANBU don't do D-ranks." Boar nodded.

"I do have to ask, though. Was it really necessary to make him take the Academy guard shift for the Uchiha for the next three years?"

"Well no, but would any of you like to volunteer for the position?" Everyone shook their heads viciously.

"And take away his "very important task" to sit inside the Academy rafters and watch for stray erasers? Hell no, I'm not that cruel" Boar said.

 **At the Academy…**

Naruto was bored. He arrived at the Academy early, just like the scroll said, and sat inside the classroom rafters. The chunin- Iruka, his scroll informed him- started the lecture. Naruto remained vigilent, watching for any harm that could come to his charge.

Three hours later and he was wishing he'd brought some cards. Iruka kept droning on and on about useless chakra theory, things he'd known since he was five and the Hokage tied him to a chair to listen to him. His mark was looking just as bored and danger seemed impossible, but Naruto was warned to watch him vigilantly. Danger was around every corner, and his job was to insure the last Uchiha was protected, even at the cost of his own life.

Now if this Academy place wasn't so boring.

 **ANBU headquarters…**

Over a hundred off duty ANBU gathered around the orb to observe their little mascot. When Naruto showed up at their door with the Hokage five years ago, a too big mask and smile on his face, most had scoffed, hating the idea of a four year old joining ANBU. When the Hokage sent him to find his room and told him they were to train him and he wouldn't a _ctually_ be taking any "missions" until he was ready, they were confused. But when he mentioned setting up a special "Naruto board" with various D-rank level "missions" from the operatives that they could assign in exchange for training him? Well, that they didn't mind.

"Ah, our mascot's first C-rank mission. I wonder how long it will take him to realize he's been played?" Neko asked, sharpening her blade. She taught Naruto kenjutsu and weapons each time he did the "mission" of taking her laundry to the cleaners.

"Probably never. The kid's too dense. He's so focused on taking my job that he'll never stop. He still hasn't gotten that his "contract" means he'll never retire, as no human is older than dirt," The ANBU commander snorted, his Dragon mask shaking slightly in mirth. Just then half the agents face-palmed.

"He didn't"

"The brat"

"Why, I taught him better stealth"

"Why did he reveal himself?" The Hokage's hat covered his smile. _Just like planned._

"Well, I _did_ order Kitsune to protect Sasuke from _any_ harm except during taijutsu class."

"And an eraser counts as danger?"

 **Back with Naruto…**

He did it! He saved his mark's life, his comrades would be proud. Until he saw everyone gapping at him.

Sasuke Uchiha was having a nice daydream about standing over his brother's corpse, his heart in his hand, when Iruka-sensei sent his eraser towards his forehead. He expected to hit… but an ANBU shorter than him caught it.

"I, ah….never fear! I am here to protect" _wait! Can't let mark know it's him that I protect.-_ "This whole class from any and all danger by order of the Hokage! Never fear, future ANBU commander here!" He covered, nodding to himself.

Iruka Umino stared at the blonde ANBU in the Kitsune mask. _So that's the jinchuuriki that disappeared five years ago. I'm supposed to get him to join in on the class… Got it!_ "Thank you, ANBU-san. I don't know what we would do without you." He said with a straight face. His class looked at him in an 'are you serious' way. "There can be danger at any turn, though. Would you mind sitting with us to make reacting to these dangers easier?" Naruto couldn't believe it! He wanted to say no, but his cover story had to stay until Jiji fixed it.

"I-uh of course, chunin-san! I will protect your students with my life!" And with that he plopped down next to his mark, ignoring the looks.

 **Back with the Hokage…**

"You planned this, didn't you?" One ANBU asked after they stopped laughing.

"I don't know what you mean." The Hokage replied.

 **END! Just a story idea I had, but it won't effect my other story much, as this one should have shorter (and possibly less frequent) updates. Happy Friday!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

 **AN: Hey guys, this chapter was almost done so I just finished it and decided to get it posted today.**

 **Hokage's office…**

Naruto ran into the office through the ANBU door.

"Hokage-jiji! I saved my mark today! But then his classmates saw me and I had to think up a lie super quick!" Naruto said, plopping into a chair and lifting his mask after checking for any non-ANBU members.

"Oh ho! You saved Sasuke already, eh? And did the students and teacher believe your cover up story?" The Hokage said, looking amused.

"You bet. There I was, my eyes never leaving the target, when out of nowhere a rectangular kunai comes flying straight for my mark! I jump down in front and caught it, saving his life. Everyone was in awe, and I tricked them into thinking I was there to keep them all safe, Hokage-jiji! Nobody suspected me, not even that Iruka-sensei guy! But I think he could be a spy, Hokage-jiji. I caught him multiple times trying to hurt the students with those special kunai and lied saying it wouldn't hurt them. Should we drag him down to Anko-nee to find out his secrets?"

"Er, no, not yet, Naruto. I fear he could be working with other spies. Your new mission is to carry on with your little ploy, and write down _everything_ he says or does in class. If he is a spy, it could take years to uproot him if he's good. Do you accept this mission, Kitsune?" The Hokage said seriously. Naruto put his mask back on.

"Yes, Hokage-sama! I won't fail!"

"That's my favorite ANBU! I believe Neko has another top-secret mission for you before training this afternoon." Naruto bowed quickly and ran back through the ANBU door that linked to the headquarters. Once he left Boar dropped off the ceiling, clutching his sides.

"I can't believe you just did that! That poor teacher. Oh well, at least Naruto will finally learn history and math, even if it is disguised as Hokage approved stalking."

"Of course," Sarutobi said smoothly, "how else will our mascot learn to look underneath the underneath. I do so look forward to the day he realizes he's been played."

"That video will go down in history. I take it my academic lessons are going to continue on top of these "spy uprooting sessions?" Dragon added as he entered the room

"Definitely. Future ANBU commanders must be intelligent, right?"

Naruto ran on the ceiling into Neko's room, landing in front of her as she combed her purple hair.

"Neko-sempai! I'm here for the next mission." Naruto said eagerly. Neko- Yugao off duty, not that Naruto knew that, gave him a piece of paper.

"Kitsune, this particular mission is of upmost importance, understood?" Naruto nodded, ready.

"You must go to the business on this address. Inside is a woman who you give this receipt to. She'll hand you a box with a cake on it. Bring it back here without anyone seeing you or eating the desert. It's made of a deadly poison for my target tomorrow. You _must_ be unseen and not eat any part of it."

"I understand. What's the classification, Neko-sempai?"

"This is an S-rank mission." Naruto gasped. Those were really rare! The last time he had one Tora-sempai had him take Inu-sempai's special books to break a secret code or something. Neko nodded. "Yes, so you must be serious. As payment for a successful mission… I'll give you an extra hour of training this weekend."

"Yes, Neko-sempai! I will not fail you!"

"Good. Go, my little Kohai, and may your Will of Fire guide you."

Naruto made it to the address without anyone seeing by ducking into allyways. He looked at the sign. _Yum Yum Cakes? That doesn't sound like a poison supplier._ Then he remembered Inu-sempai's lesson of looking beyond the obvious. _Of course, nobody would think an innocent cake shop would actually be the greatest poison store in the land of Fire! And the lady running it: everything about her screams baker…meaning she's the most deadly poison mistress in the world._ Naruto ducks in, making sure his hood and mask was on. Ever since he joined his Jiji's ANBU he had to always keep his hair and face covered to protect his secret identity. Nodding to the lady he gave her the receipt, which no doubt had a code on it. Uzuki Yugao One cake, 300 ryo must translate to something super dangerous.

"Ah, ANBU-san. Here is the birthday cake. Enjoy! I hope it tastes good!" Naruto shivered at that as he took it. Before he left he opened it. _Happy Birthday Hayate Gekko_ it said. Naruto reasoned Neko sempai was taking this cake, filled with the "Uzuki Yugao poison" to this "Hayate" guy's birthday to take him out.

Ducking in and out of the alleyways he made it back to HQ and handed it in to Neko-sempai. "Thank you, Kitsune. You should be proud of this performance. Time for your kenjutsu lessons!" Naruto ran off to grab his bokken from his room, shouting to anyone who would listen that he did an S-rank mission.

Two hours later Naruto was walking with the Hokage's evening tea into his office, hood and mask securely in place. Inside the office a bunch of jonin were talking to the Hokage, one of them coughing loudly.

"Ah, Kitsune, thank you for the tea. I trust your mission was a success?" He said with a slightly upturned mouth. The jonin looked surprised at the clearly underage ANBU member.

"Yep, Hokage-jiji-er, I mean sama." He said, remembering that he was _supposed_ to be professional. "I did an S-rank today!" Naruto threw his arms up excitably. The jonin with a senbon sputtered and the coughing one almost doubled over.

"Oh? Do tell. And don't worry, these men are very trust worthy, I'm sure they are cleared." The jonin straightened. To be included in an S-rank debriefing was an honor and show of trust.

"Well, Neko-sempai sent me to an ultra super secret poison maker called the "Yum Yum Cakes" to grab a desert laced with Uzuki Yugao- I bet this is a deadly nerve poison, but I'll have to ask Anko-nee. She needs it to infiltrate this guy named Hayate Gekko on his birthday tomorrow and kill him with it!" Naruto was breathing hard at the end, complety engrossed in the story to not notice the sniggering behind him.

"Yo, Hayate. Guess you're dying tomorrow by Uzuki Yugao, eh?" Genma said. Hayate snorted. Naruto whipped his head around.

" _YOU'RE HAYATE GEKKO?!"_ He shouted. Hayate nodded with an amused smirk. "Oh…well then, could you maybe still eat the cake tomorrow so Neko-sempai completes her mission? Pretty please?" Naruto tilted his head. That had another jonin, Raido, doubled over.

"Yes, Hayate! Please, still eat something that would kill you since the kid asked nicely!" He howled. Hayate ignored him and knelt down.

"Normally I wouldn't, Kitsune-san, but because you didn't know who I was when you talked about the mission, I will. Just remember to always be weary of saying people's names from now on, okay? Not everyone will go along like I am," Hayate said, somehow with a straight face.

"Right, thank you, Hayate-san. Enjoy your last day! Maybe Hokage-jiji would let you take tomorrow off before you die."

"What a wonderful idea, Kitsune. Hayate, you have the day off tomorrow. Kitsune, you can go back to your room, I'll see you after your mission tomorrow."

After Naruto left Genma raised his hand.

"Yes, Genma?"

"Is that shrimp really an agent?"

"We like to think of him more as a mascot, but yes, he is a full agent."

 **Next day…**

Naruto was sitting in his mark's history class, staring at the spy as he talked about history. He had to take notes over it and then Boar-sempai would go over them in the evening to check for Iruka trying to spread lies or dissent. It was a lot of work, but the Hokage needed lots of evidence to take him down to Anko-nee. Everyone in the class looked at him curiously but believed his cover story.

"Kitsune." One of the student's voice cut through the lecture. Naruto looked over to see a girl with pink hair- Sakura if the file was right- "why are you taking notes? If you're ANBU then you should know all this." Naruto panicked, thinking of an excuse.

"It's…" Everyone leaned in, even Iruka. He wanted to hear what the kid came up with, being told by the Hokage that Naruto was going to take notes to catch him being "a spy". It was amusing. "A secret." He finished. Everyone fell at that dramatic let down.

"Okay, class, that's it. We are going to taijutsu lessons next." Naruto slipped out the window and landed in a tree on the practice yard. He looked at Sasuke, making sure nobody got passed him.

As Sasuke waited for his turn he couldn't help but feel the ANBU kid was watching him way more closely than the other students, and it creeped him out when he looked up to see the Kitsune mask staring down at him. A jolt runs through him. _What is with this guy?!_ He turns back to the front, choosing to ignore the obviously mental ANBU agent.

"Sasuke Uchiha, your sparring partner is absent so you may be excused today." Iruka said. Sasuke sighed, but then remembered…

"Oi! Kitsune. Be my sparring partner today?" Sasuke called. He wanted to test himself against the elite, and this kid would be perfect. _I'll bet he's weak enough for me to take on._ He walked to the ring, and his new sparring partner faced him.

Naruto was nervous. _I shouldn't hurt him: that would go against the mission. Should I lose? No._ A billion thoughts raced through him. Iruka glanced between them and called

"Begin!" _I'll just end it quickly._ Sasuke blinked and he was on the ground, staring at the Kitsune mask. "Uh… Winner, Kitsune!" Iruka called.

"Was that satisfactory, Sasuke?" Naruto asked, oblivious to the stares.

"Hn. Yes. I'll beat you next time though!" He said. Naruto grinned.

"I look forward to it!"

 **Council chambers…**

"Hokage-sama, my Ino-chan mention there's an ANBU with a kitsune mask guarding the class?" Inoichi Yamanaka asked. Others murmered as well.

"My Chouji said he stood up and loudly proclaimed "never fear, future ANBU commander is here" after he "saved" the Uchiha from an eraser." Chouza said, chortling. Other members joined in.

"Yes, the rumors are true. I have an ANBU agent posted at the academy everyday now. His target is Sasuke Uchiha but he's very…excitable so he sits in with the class observing for me and is now the class protector." Sarutobi said.

"An excitable ANBU? Who is he?" Koharu asked. Danzo narrowed his eyes slightly. _It can't be_ he thought. Danzo was one of the few who knew of the jinchuuriki's rather ubrupt disappearance was a move into the black ops. He approved, as the weapon should never have been raised among the populous. But then why was Hiruzen having the boy wasting his time in the classroom as an ANBU guard? _What's your game, Hiruzen?_

"Just an up and coming agent who's become a sort of mascot for the corps." Sarutobi said vaguely. He planned on keeping his blonde a secret except in ANBU, and even then the agents were sworn to absolute secrecy. Naruto didn't know why he had to stay hidden, he didn't need to. Sarutobi had a Yamanaka from his most trusted circle erase most of Naruto's memories of his time before ANBU. They were dark times for the boy, filled with hunger, beatings, and disease. The village thought Naruto was dead or gone forever, and Naruto would live in the shadows, where Sarutobi could protect him. _Thank goodness his dream is to be ANBU commander. Imagine if he wanted my job!_

No, Naruto would stay and rise through the shadow. But, that didn't mean he couldn't taste the light, and this Academy assignment was a perfect place for Naruto to bide his time until he really _was_ ready for ANBU duty.

 **Sarutobi's office…**

Sarutobi puffed on his smoke as his rival and once friend "discussed" Naruto.

"I just don't understand, Hiruzen. He should be trained, not coddled on this wasted "mission". Do you plan to bring him out into the light?" Danzo said, showing slight signs of frustration.

"Oh no, of course not." Sarutobi snorted at the absurd idea.

"Then…why?" Danzo finally asked as his mouth dropped slightly. _Did Hiruzen just agree to keep someone in the shadows? I must find a way to discretely look for genjutsu._

Sarutobi chuckled. "Because it's good practice for him. I'm having him observe the classes as he "protects" the Uchiha. He takes notes over _everything_ the teacher says, increasing his penmenship, speed, ability to split his focus on multiple targets, and basic education in history and mathematics. He's already a high genin in strength, but I want him to be mid chunin at least before I send him on any missions outside the village. This is just a place holder really. Also…" He trailed off.

"Also?"

"Well, Naruto's "mission reports" are always so enjoyable." As if on cue Naruto slips into the office from the ANBU door after checking the seal that indicated non-ANBU were in the room. "Kitsune! It's okay, this is Danzo Shimura, one of my advisors." Naruto stepped forward wearily. "He knows about your identity, so you can take off the mask."

"Thanks!" Naruto's excited face is revealed. "Hokage-jiji I had to save the class from a monster today!"

"A monster? How so?" Danzo said, looking at the jinchuuriki. _He's strong, but too excitable. How can I get him under my wing, even if just for some training?_

"Well, there I was, writing down everything Iruka said and observing him for treason-" Danzo quirked an eyebrow and Sarutobi mouthed 'don't ask'- "when all of the sudden some one called the Akimichi kid the f-a-t word. He went nuts and became a bowling ball! But don't you worry, Hokage-jiji, I made him stop with the special senbon Anko-nee gave me once he targeted Sasuke. It put him to sleep!"

"You mean…you sedated a CLAN HEIR?!" Sarutobi buried his head in hands. Of course Naruto would think poison was appropriate on an academy teacher.

"Sigh, just go, Naruto. You have the week off for the school holiday. The other ANBU have to cancel your lessons this weekend after I had to increase security for the Daimyo deciding to make a surprise visit. I don't want you in the village or the office for the week off, Naruto, I need to focus on the Daimyo." Naruto pouted, he didn't want to be stuck in headquarters for a week. Danzo saw the opportunity.

"Why doesn't Naruto stay with me for the week? I have some students his level he could spar with." Danzo smirked when he saw Naruto's eyes become like stars.

"I don't know…"

"Oh come now, Hiruzen, do you trust a nine year old to not cause trouble when left alone for a week?" Suddenly Naruto found himself in Danzo's grip.

"Be good now, Naruto, and learn lots." Sarutobi said quickly, pushing the two outside his office. Naruto's mask and hood were already up and he gazed at his new teacher.

"I usually get a mission in exchange for training. What would you like me to do to earn my training?" Naruto asked. Danzo inwardly smirked. This kept getting better and better.

 **End! Poor Naruto, the brunt of every joke it seems! And what's it going to be like in Danzo's care in ROOT? Next update within a week, promise.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

 **AN: I am working super hard on the Guardian Kitsune but I'm at a difficult chapter and I wrote non-stop for over two hours, so….I took a break to finish this one! Enjoy.**

 **ROOT base…**

Danzo hid his glee well as he took his new "guest" down the dark corridors. Hiruzen knew about ROOT but not about his Uchiha eye. Unfortunately he already used Shisui's eye to keep ROOT going, but no matter: he just had to beat the stupid out of the weapon and mold him into Konoha's secret shield. He had a week, how had could it be?

"While you are here this week I will make you work to the bone. I won't accept failure or complaining, am I clear?" Danzo said, releasing a little killing intent on the boy. To his credit Naruto didn't seem to react. Of course, the mask and heavy cloak would hide it.

"Yep! I got it, Hokage-jiji's friend! Nobody works harder than Kitsune, future ANBU commander!" He said, bouncing slightly from foot to foot. Danzo frowned slightly, not liking his care free attitude. Then he heard his dream and smirked inwardly. Time for some classic manipulation.

"Oh? ANBU commander, you say? Well, there _is_ something you can do now that would bring you closer to your dream, but it's difficult, and I don't know if you can handle it at your age…"

"I can do it! Tell me, please! I'll do anything!" And flames somehow lit over his eye holes, much to Shimura Danzo's confusion. _It isn't genjutsu…_

"Very well then." He said as they reached the _emotional conditioning_ room, and had Naruto sit on the table. "To become stronger, closer to your dream, you must…" Here he had a ROOT agent hold a flashlight under his chin for effect. "BANISH ALL YOUR EMOTIONS! ONLY THEN WILL YOU BE A SHINOBI!" Danzo let off an evil chuckle, and if his agents had emotions they would have sweat dropped. Naruto tilted his head.

"Umm, but I'm not a shinobi, I'm ANBU!" He declared. Danzo had a tickmark, he had a long way to go. "And how did you make your face all creepy like Tenzo-sempai?" Oh yes, a long way. But Danzo wasn't one to back away from a challenge. He would beat the stupid out of the jinchuuriki and make a loyal weapon or he might as well just turn ROOT into a traveling circus and dye his hair pink.

 **Day One…**

Naruto was sharing a room with two young recruits, Sai and Shin. They had just finished a grueling training session and Naruto learned water walking on boiling water. Now they were ordered to stay in the room until morning. Most rooms would not even open the door. Unfortunately for Sai and Shin, they had a hyperactive Jinchuuriki that _somehow_ still had energy to spare.

"Guys! Let's pull a prank. We can sneak into the equipment room and paint all the masks orange!" He said, jumping on the bed while Shin and Sai looked on in slight shock. His regular ANBU equipment was gone for the week, replaced by the ROOT uniform.

"I do not believe that would be appropriate, Naruto. Danzo-sama ordered all recruits in bed thirty minutes ago." Sai reasoned, and looked to Shin for support. Of course, his brother had a mischevious smile that promised trouble.

"Oh, don't be a stick in the mud, Sai! Naruto-kohai has come up with a brilliant plan for some payback on our teachers." Shin slung his arm around Naruto and the two gave matching grins. To Sai it was rather disconcerting, realizing his two idiot roommates were going to drag him into trouble.

"Fine, but we better not get caught."

"Don't you worry, Sai! Nobody will think it was us!" Naruto proclaimed.

 **Day two…**

Naruto, Sai, and Shin were currently on a pool with crocodiles in it dodging and water walking while listening to the ROOT handbook being read over and over. Apparently finger painting the masks and forgetting to wash your hands because you were so tired gave a clue as to who pulled the prank.

"In ROOT, there is no past, or future. There is only the mission. Emotions are a shinobi's weakness…" and on and on the recording went.

"I'm sorry, guys" Naruto said while jumping over a crocodile. "Next time I won't get caught."

"Don't worry, Kohai, we'll be better next time!" Shin said happily, ignoring Sai's growing tick mark.

"Why can't I have normal roommates!" He shouted to the heavens.

 **Day three…**

Naruto had just completed over ten hours of training, and was told to go to the ROOT library and pick out a jutsu to learn.

"Hmm…chameleon jutsu, shadow shuriken jutsu, ooh…shadow clone jutsu…exact solid copies…memory transfer…heh, this is perfect to replace the clone jutsu!" Naruto giggled manically and proceeded to practice it in earnest.

 **Day four…**

Fifty Narutos running like lunatics around the training hall was the sight Danzo Shimura saw when he took his morning cup of coffee to see his weapons beat the daylights out of each other, intending to figure out how to make his newest-but temporary- weapon improve. Oh sure, he had already surpassed his physical expectations for the week, but in terms of emotional and mental abilities…he'd seen monkeys better trained. Upon seeing the mass horde of his current problem he blinked. He guzzled his coffee. And he did the smartest thing since divorcing his wife after she showed signs of mental instability that only grew with her oddly enlarging stomach: Danzo Shimura turned like a coward and walked back to his office.

"Don't disturb me until only one menace is there to plague me." He said and slammed the door shut. He could hear the blonde's laughter as if there were multiple ones echoing off each other, mocking him.

 **Day five…**

Naruto was sitting on the floor, eyes glued to a screen with a pendulum on it.

"Are you certain this will work, Fuu?" Danzo asked. They had sat Naruto up with the screen in hopes of ridding his emotions.

"It is the last resort before I enter into his mind. I am confident he'll work out." Just then Naruto had a tub of ice cream out to enjoy while watching the pendulum and voice. "I hope."

 **Day six…**

"It's okay, Sai," Naruto comforted. The three of them were sitting outside Danzo's office after sneaking into the kitchen and eating the last of the fudge. They were caught walking back to their room with chocolate covered hands.

"How do you know that? Huh, huh? The last person who ate Danzo-sama's fudge that his mother sends him on Sundays are never seen again!"

"Eh, you worry too much, Sai!" Shin said cheekily.

Danzo looked at the three…monsters in front of him, giving him puppy eyes. He couldn't kill them. Hiruzen would never forgive him if he killed the jinchuuriki over chocolate-no matter how divine and holy it was- and the two recruits were close to him. He needed the two basterds to keep an eye on the jinchuuriki. And the worst part?

They knew. Somehow, the three _knew_ he couldn't do anything to them. He didn't know how. He didn't know why. He just knew they knew they were untouchable.

Sometimes he hated his rational side.

 **Day seven…**

Naruto stood inside the Hokage's office, a slightly twitching Danzo behind him. Naruto had not only made his week hell, but he was declared unbreakable by Fuu. And now the cloaked menace had the ability to make _more_ menaces, would horrors never cease!

"Ah, Naruto. I trust you enjoyed your stay with Danzo?" Hiruzen laughed internally, as did the other ANBU. Danzo's eye twitched more at Naruto's enthusiastic yell.

"Oh yeah, you bet! I made two new friends, Shin-sempai and Sai and I painted their boring masks orange and Danzo-jiji let me eat his mother's fudge" Here Danzo fingered a kunai, "and I learned the shadow clone jutsu and can make fifty of me!" He finished. Everyone, even Sarutobi, paled at this. If the ANBU mascot got into the habit of using that jutsu for his pranks, headquarters could not survive. _Think professor, think! Light, meet bulb._

"The shadow clone, you say? And fifty? Well, good for you, but I hope you've only been using it for training." He said lightly, pretending to check his nails. Phychological warfare on the young always made his day.

"Uh, no, why? I use them for EVERYTHING now!"

"Well, just because any time you use a shadow outside training and battle…well, a baby fox dies." Sarutobi bit his lip in suppressed laughter as Naruto gasped.

"Oh no! How does that happen?!" Naruto clutched his head in a headache trying to imagine it.

"My boy, when you get to be as old as I am, you learn that not everything can be explained, and that accepting my word as law will stop your brain from hurting trying to think." _Please buy it. Please buy it._

"That makes sense, thanks Hokage-jiji! I'm going to my room now, by Danzo-jiji! And don't worry, I'll make sure all baby foxes are safe from shadow clones!" Naruto waved and darted through the ANBU door. Sarutobi noticed his rival's dropped jaw.

"Is he really that gullible?" He said in awe. Sarutobi chuckled.

"Yes, it's how the base hasn't been destroyed yet. Now tell me, what "missions" did he do?"

"Oh, I found the A-rank mission of checking the dictionary for a secret code to be most appropriate. I couldn't just give it to anyone, you know."

 **In the base, later…**

Naruto walked past the kitchen that was always open, even when the mess hall wasn't, to see Inu-sempai reading a paper at the table. He had a shadow clone making him coffee.

"AH! INU-SEMPAI YOU MURDERER!" Naruto screamed and ran from his almost older brother.

Kakashi looked up as his little brother darted away. "Do I want to know? No, probably not." He reasoned, turning back to his paper.

 **Next morning…**

Naruto sat on the ceiling to take notes over the traitor's words. No way was Naruto going to let him get away. He counted down the seconds till class was over: he had to meet the new ANBU this afternoon and it was always fun. Just then the traitor's voice broke his thoughts.

"And now who wants to demonstrate the clone jutsu?" Iruka looked around the room. Sakura raised her hand.

"Why not ask Kitsune to demonstrate?" Sakura asked sweetly.

"That's a great idea! Kitsune, would you please help the class out?" Naruto started sweating. He landed in the front of twenty pairs of expectant eyes. If he used shadow clone, he'd be a murderer. But if he used a regular bushin, he'd be the laughing stock of his charges. _Pride or morality?!_

"Well, Kitsune?"

"Um…you see,"

"Go on,"

"Erm..."

 **End! Oh no! What will Naruto decide? And how will meeting new recruits go? Finally, will Danzo ever recover his sanity after this ordeal?! And yes, his ex wife was pregnant, I could see Danzo thinking a pregnant woman was unstable and leave her, especially in a comedy fanfic.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

 **AN: Another installment in the story! Enjoy, rate, review, follow, ect if you wish.**

 **Academy…**

"I…uh" Naruto was at a crossroads. He wanted to be impressive to the students, but his shadow clone would kill a fox kit. Then he remembered that it should only be used in battles or training. Suddenly the classroom became a battle ground, an army of disbelievers replaced his charges and their pencils became kunai. Naruto, knowing he had to fight, called forth "Shadow clone jutsu". The classroom shifted back, and he realized his mistake! Planning the funeral for the somewhere dead fox he almost missed the traitor's voice.

"Wow, Kitsune! Class, this here is the advanced version of the clone jutsu, one that only jonin level ninjas can do!" Iruka said, impressed. Little did he know that besides henge, kawarimi, shunshins, and a small fire style that Itachi-sempai taught him before he went crazy and left, Naruto didn't have jutsu. All the students looked at the midget ANBU in a new light.

"Yep! As a future ANBU commander I have to be super strong!" He held out a victory sign and everyone sweat dropped, their impressed feelings gone. _Is this kid_ _really_ _an ANBU?_ Was the collective thought. Ino Yamanaka, class gossip, decided she _had_ to ask the question most were thinking.

"Hey, Kitsune? How old are you anyway?" She asked sweetly. Naruto blinked, then turned to the traitor.

"Hey, trait- I mean Iruka, what day is it?" He asked. Iruka had a tickmark. _Why the hell do I have to let him think I'm a traitor? Let Mizuki play that part!_

"W-well, Kitsune, it's October twenty first" he said.

"Heh! Oh yeah, my birthday is October tenth so I'm…."

"Nine. You're nine." Sakura said with a deadpanned. Most doubted his intelligence greatly at this.

"No." He countered. "I am nine years and eleven days, Sakura-kun."

"I'm a girl!" She screeched.

"Really? But you're so manly looking!" Naruto said, surprised, ignoring the fact all the males backed further away with pity.

And thus, Naruto Uzumaki learned the hard way why hell had nothing on an angry female.

 **Hokage's office…**

Sarutobi sighed, Jiraiya was in the village but he had yet to give his report. _Probably peeping again. And to introduce him to Naruto this time._

Naruto appeared in the office at his normal time, shuddering slightly.

"Oi, my little Kohai, what's wrong?" Boar appeared and poked the twitching nine year old.

"I-I…girls are crazy!" He cried.

"JIJI! I REFUSE TO GO NEAR HER AGAIN! HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW POINTING OUT HER FORHEAD WAS TOUCHY?!" Naruto ripped his mask off and slammed it into the ground. Thankfully only males were in the room, and the three ANBU surrounded him.

"Naruto," Boar said trying not to laugh after guessing the problem. "You cannot abandon your mission."

"How can you say that! Do you _want_ her to kill me?!" He looked up with the puppy dog eyes.

"Take it like a man!" Boar scolded. He couldn't believe his mascot was such a wimp. It might be of note that Boar had yet to have a girlfriend and was on an all-male team until ANBU, the nineteen-year-old was probably not the best giver of advice. At this point the Hokage interceded.

"Naruto…you should just avoid her if she's "scary"." The Hokage said sagely. The other males beside Boar nodded along. "Women are horrible, horrible creatures that have no rhyme or reason. Just…be careful my grandson." Boar couldn't believe it! His boss was a wimp. His eyes steeled, he would make his little kohai-mascot a man, and show him the beauty of women.

"Kitsune, I have a mission for you, an S-class one." He said, taking him out of the room.

 **Hot springs, later…**

Naruto sat in a tree with a camera. Boar-sempai said he needed to take pictures of the naked ladies without them seeing. He had to get twenty women, and so far he'd gotten eighteen.

"Humph, why do I have to sit in a tree? Why can't I ask them for them? It's just a picture, they wouldn't care." Poor Naruto didn't understand that his orders to be unseen saved his life. "Oh well, at least Boar-sempai will teach me water-walking if I do this! I can't wait. Only one more now." Just then a scream is heard and the bath clears out. Naruto narrowed his eyes behind his mask. Looking below him he saw a white haired man giggling while looking through the hole.

"Damn, and my research was going so well!" The man moaned. Naruto grew a tickmark.

"Oi! If you wanted to take pictures then do it quietly! I just needed one last picture to complete my mission! Aarg, now Boar-sempai will never teach me water walking!" Naruto yelled at the man.

Jiraiya looked up at the tree, noticing a small looking ANBU with a Kitsune mask yelling at him. He narrowed his eyes, ANBU weren't that young, and the kid was hardly elite. He decided to do some information gathering.

"Oh ho ho! A young researcher, eh! And what's your name, my young protégé? I didn't know ANBU let in shrimps."

"Hey! I'm not a shrimp, I just turned nine! I am on a mission from Boar-sempai! He said if I got twenty pictures of women in the hot springs he would teach me water walking. And my name is Kitsune, future ANBU commander!" He posed for the Toad sanin, who tried not to snort, even as his thoughts darkened. _Sensei, you wouldn't…_

"Well, well, Kitsune, that's a big dream. Say, what's your birthday?"

"October tenth" Naruto said proudly. This man was the second person today to be interested in his age. Jiraiya sucked in his teeth. _October tenth, nine years old, Kitsune mask. Sensei, you basterd!_ Jiraiya was instantly behind the ANBU and knocked him out with a chop to the neck. Pulling off the hood he noticed the blonde hair. Hefting his godson over his shoulder he ran towards the Hokage tower, killing intent radiating.

 **Just outside the tower…**

Jiraiya is about to climb up to the window when twenty ANBU surround him with swords drawn. The Commander stepped forward.

"Put Kitsune down" he ordered quietly. Jiraiya snorted.

"Brat, go away. This kid is-"

"Our mascot and comrade. His identity is an S-class secret so if I were you I would listen to the Commander and give us back Kitsune." Boar said with venom. He shunshined next to the Toad sanin and grabbed Naruto, who had a bruise on the back of his neck from the chop. Commander Dragon saw this as Boar pulled the hood up.

"Boar," He said quietly, "Take Kitsune to his room." Boar nodded and left. The Commander looked ready to speak again but the Hokage appeared.

"Commander, stand down. Jiraiya, my office. Now." He ordered stonily.

"Snort. How dare you turn Nar-"

"Finish that sentence my student and you will find out exactly _why_ I am the "god of shinobi."

 **With Naruto and Boar…**

"Owww…that hurt." Naruto groaned as he woke up less than five minutes later, in his bed. Boar was at his side.

"Thank goodness, squirt. When we saw Jiraiya running towards the tower with your hood down…" He looked down. "Tell me what happened."

…After finishing his tale Boar grabbed the pictures.

"I'll take these and mark your mission as a success. Tomorrow I'll teach you water walking." Naruto grinned.

"What happened to that weirdo?" Boar snorted.

"The Hokage is chewing him out. Why? Want to go watch?" He asked mischievously. Naruto grinned and nodded.

 **Hokage's office…**

Naruto and Boar entered through the ceiling entrance, finding a place amongst the other ANBU. There were almost thirty agents, all leaking killing intent aimed straight towards Jiraiya. Noticing their little mascot, they relaxed slightly when he signed _I'm okay. He scared me though._ That last part caused a spike of intent and twitches towards swords.

"You knocked out one of my ANBU, looked at his identity, and then carried him through the village! Am I understanding this right, Jiraiya?" The contempt was clear in the Hokage's voice.

"Don't get that self-righteous tone, s _ensei._ To make a nine-year-old an ANBU at FOUR! His file is more blacked out than MINE! His identity a secret, how do you plan for him to be a normal ninja?!"

"I don't. He will be ANBU for his career. I have many operatives that are there for life like him. His dream. "

"Was no doubt implanted. He's probably brainwashed. I wonder how many people he's killed." Jiraiya snorted. Naruto piped up despite the "rules", not liking this man who made his Jiji and boss mad.

"Nobody yet! Anko-nee is letting me have my first kill when I turn ten!" Jiraiya jumped slightly at the voice.

"Kitsune," Sarutobi sighed, "here." Naruto jumped down and landed in a crouch. Boar had signed for him to lay the respect on thick for the show. So, Naruto bowed.

"Yes, Hokage-sama?" The Hokage caught on and smirked inwardly, playing along.

"Kitsune, tell me. Have you been out of the village?" Naruto was slightly confused but a hidden sign by Neko calmed him from an outburst.

"No, Hokage-sama. You won't let me out until my first kill at ten."

"And Kitsune, are you happy in ANBU?" Naruto smiled at this and it was heard in his voice.

"YOU BET! I have lots of sempai's here, and I have my own room and training is fun! One day I'm taking Commander's mask, believe it!" He said with rising enthusiasm. The Hokage chuckled.

"Very good. Now, Jiraiya." Cue a nervous looking pervert.

"I get it, sensei. You explained earlier why he needed this, but… would Minato approve?"

"It's better than him being dead, Jiraiya. Now, while you're here, why not spend the afternoon with Kitsune? As long as he's in his uniform and you call him by his code name you can take him out to eat." Both Naruto and Jiraiya perked up at this. Naruto never ate out- he sometimes grabbed the other's take out or had it brought to him- and Jiraiya wanted to spend quality time with his godson to make sure his sensei wasn't lying.

"Sure, so squirt, where do you want to eat? My treat!" Naruto thought for a moment.

"I don't know!" He said finally. "I've never eaten out before!" Jiraiya was slightly angered at this but then decided to introduce a family tradition.

"Okay, brat! Have you tried ramen?" Naruto shook his head no. "Then you'll love this place" Multiple swords are at his throat. Hiruzen Sarutobi gazed at his student with an expression not seen since the battle field of the third war.

"If you finish that sentence I will have my men tie you up naked in a gay hot spring. You will go to barbeque, Naruto likes barbeque. Understood?" Jiraiya paled and nodded, the swords disappearing.

"Hey, what's ramen?" Naruto asked. Everyone stiffened.

"It's a noodle dish"

"I like noodles"

"made with fox meat" Boar cut in. Naruto gagged. "I know, disgusting, right? It's illegal for ANBU to have ramen. And do we break the rules?"

"NO!" Naruto said. The ANBU sighed in relief while Jiraiya looked confused. "Oh no! I used a shadow clone outside of training and battle today! I have to go pray for the fox kit that died. I'll be back soon, Jiraiya!" Naruto ran out without looking back. Everyone sweat dropped.

"Maybe we should tell him"

"Do you _want_ fifty Naruto clones running around constantly, pulling pranks?"

"…good point."

Jiraiya turned to his sensei. "What the hell? You know he'd love ramen as much as Kushina!"

"Exactly"

"We can't afford it"

"Our food budget is already suffering!" Multiple ANBU chime in, back in the rafters. Sarutobi gave his student a hard glare.

"You will not introduce Naruto to ramen. I don't want him to start eating us out of budget here, yes, but the Ichiraku's would become suspicious as only Kushina had that appetite, ruining the whole "Naruto is either dead or missing" ruse. When seven years have passed he'll be officially marked dead."

"Sensei, that's horrible. Will I be able to teach him? The rasangan and summoning are his birthright!" Sarutobi winced.

"Maybe. When he's twelve or thirteen ask me again." Jiraiya scoffed, he could tell that was a lie, but plastered a grin on his face as his godson tumbled into the room, incense smell on him. _ANBU Mascot, eh? At least he isn't a real ANBU…yet._

 **Later…**

Jiraiya just tucked Naruto in after the boy fell asleep on the training ground. After the early dinner Jiraiya decided to teach his godson some taijutsu, and the kid worked until he fell asleep. The ANBU let him into HQ, but watched him like a hawk. He spots Boar-obviously one of Naruto's favorite ANBU as he talked nonstop about the man, along with Neko, Inu, the Commander, and "Anko-nee"- standing outside waiting.

"Good job" Boar said. "But one night doesn't change anything. ANBU raised him, helped him, we won't let you take him from us."

"Hehe, saw through me, eh? Don't worry, he's too young now, but when this life breaks him I'll be there to pick up the pieces." Jiraiya surprised himself honestly. He realized during the training that he wouldn't let his godson stay in the shadows. The kid deserved the light. "Though I do have to ask: is the "spy" your way of making him learn core subjects?"

"Now why would I do that?" Boar replied coyly.

 **One week later…**

Naruto stood on his toes, trying to see into the training arena and get a look at his "targets". He had new sempai's to play with!

"Are you looking forward to meeting them, Kitsune?" Neko-sempai asked. Naruto's head bobbed. "I'm glad. Time to show them some "fun"." Naruto missed her evil chuckle.

"You have all officially made ANBU, congratulations. You now have one last test that will help determine what mask you deserve." Boar smirked behind his mask as the ten rookies looked nervously around the room. Naruto bounds out and stands next to his secretly favorite ANBU (until Inu taught him how to track, that is). Some of the recruit's snigger as Naruto hugged him. Just then Boar had Naruto down a 32-ounce cup of coffee. "You must survive our mascot on a caffeine high. Don't die." And with that he shunshined to the observation room. The other ANBU and Hokage joined him, and buckets of popcorn were passed around, as were bets.

The recruits snorted among themselves. "It's just a little kid, what's so scary about that? I used to rock babysitting." Before the recruit finished his statement, he was sent flying by Naruto's knee connecting with his face. Naruto jumped back, cackling, his strength and speed increased tenfold with the coffee. Explosions go off.

"Oh, did I mention I let Naruto practice with his trap setting? He's gotten quite good." Boar said idly as he grabbed more popcorn. The commander facepalmed.

"I just hope he doesn't kill them- I rather like this batch."

"I'm more worried about him being too tired to watch Konohamaru tomorrow" The Hokage added. "Good help is hard to find."

 **END! I hope this was fun. I like the slight tension between ANBU and Jiraiya, as it makes sense considering Jiraiya was always an idealist. Also, Naruto's parentage goes over his head, but the ANBU know…I mean, they a** _ **re**_ **ninjas, and it's kind of obvious. So, I had it where they knew, but like his identity they don't reveal it. For those wondering why Hiruzen would keep Naruto in the shadows…it's for the best, for both Naruto and the village.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

 **AN: Hey guys! I'm still working on the outlines for my other story, so…instead of working the outlines I am using my time to continue this story (should have another chapter of GK out by tomorrow though). I had a guest review show up in my mail today and it asked who Boar is. Honestly, I haven't decided yet! I have several canon characters he could be, but have no reason to decide yet! If you guys have a suggestion, please, by all means review or pm me!**

 **One hour later…**

Naruto was having a blast. He didn't know what Boar-sempai gave him that made him so happy and _fast_ but the entire world slowed down. Naruto was currently jumping eight feet in the air and bouncing off one of his new sempai's stomach. The poor man-a Hyuga, who thought he was good enough to handle anything ANBU threw at him- was seriously considering quitting right there. But wait, he can't. That damn Hokage had them sign their contracts for the next three years barring death, before the "final test". All with a smile on his face!

"Yatta! That was fun, can we do it again, at this rate I'll be commander in no time, wow the world is spinning and now I need a nap." And with that ANBU'S mascot crashed mid jump, landing on the now passed out recruit's stomach. Kakashi-His Inu mask on his belt- and Boar appear, surveying the carnage and taking pictures.

The entire arena had holes, craters, and scorch marks, mostly from Naruto's bouncing and traps. All ten of the recruits were on the ground, most twitching and at least four were passed out.

"Well, Boar, it looks like our Mascot needs a nap after his "mission". I'll take him to his room." Kakashi scooped up the child and had to snort as he attempted to cling to the Hyuga recruit's armor.

"Thanks, sempai. Tell the brat that I'll teach him a new seal tomorrow for this." Boar chuckled darkly, causing Kakashi to shiver. Boar was always…eccentric by most standards, and he hoped the agent didn't doom them all by teaching the nine-year-old something volatile.

 **Later, with Naruto…**

Naruto stirred in his fox print bed, feeling very refreshed and somewhat blurry on what he was doing before he took a nap. He knew it had something to do with explosions and meeting his new sempai's. Naruto sees Inu-sempai reading his book next to his bed. His room-painted blue and decorated since it would always be _his_ room, was dark with just a lamp on to illuminate his visitor.

"Hey, Inu-sempai, what was I doing before my nap? I remember explosions." Thankfully for Kakashi his mask covered his face, thus hiding his nervousness. It wouldn't do for Naruto to remember that they essentially drugged him for a good laugh, mainly because they couldn't handle him trying to search out more coffee. So, a lie smoother than a slit throat slid out Kakashi's mouth, the same lie offered every six months after the "final test".

"Oh, you just met your new comrades and all of you played… hide and explode. You ran near one and the blast knocked you out." Naruto stared at him for a minute, and it almost seemed he caught on to the fact that practically the same lie was told every time. Then Naruto's stomach saved the day by growling.

"Okay! Let's eat!" Naruto zoomed out the room, ignoring Kakashi completely.

"Wait! Boar said he'd teach you a new seal…tomorrow" he trailed off, shaking his head. He'd tell him tomorrow.

Naruto made it into the cafeteria in record time, rushing through the line. He noticed some older ANBU were talking to the new ones who had their new masks on.

"And remember: the "missions" he gets are basically E or D rank, and you have to train him in payment."

"Don't forget: no ramen! And absolutely scary stories if you tuck him in or bringing to his attention that the "missions" are chores, or so help me." Naruto paused at the urgent whispers. If they were planning something he wanted in!

"Hey! What are you guys talking about?! I want in!" Naruto plopped his tray on the table before climbing into one of the new guy's lap, ignoring the shudder the guy gave when he leaned into his stomach (lol, guess which ANBU?).

"Ahh, Kitsune. We were just…explaining the rules about your identity to them! I see you and Flamengo are already best friends, eh?" Neko asked, sounding amused at the visible shudder.

"Oh yeah! I want Flamengo-sempai to train me sometime!" Naruto shouted as he dug into his meal. Boar sniggered, and decided to put fuel on the fire.

"I'm sure Flamengo-kohai would _love_ to teach you his specialty: wire traps. Why, he'd probably enjoy it so _much_ after he bragged to us about your skills from your _game_ today." Flamengo, even with the pink outlined mask, somehow pulled off a Hyuga glare. The man hated his life currently, as the little devil-his _mascot_ apparently- cheered and tried to hug him. Maybe he should try to attack Hiashi-sama tonight and go out by curse seal. It would certainly be less painful. He wanted to refuse but all the older agents seemed to aim their killing intent right at him.

"U-uh sure, Kitsune-kohai. I w-would love to help." Flamengo managed to say. Naruto cheered. Most of the new members had to wonder how they basically signed up for babysitting duty.

 **Five months later, class…**

Naruto had to admit: the traitor was good. Even after months of him going over everything he said Naruto couldn't sniff him out. Boar-sempai even had him take the tests to check for codes or misinformation, but nothing turned up! It was frustrating, but he wouldn't give up! He had to protect Sasuke, make the traitor Iruka reveal himself, and pretend to look after the whole class! All the while keeping up with his other missions and training. The new ANBU were always giving him new missions and teaching him, along with his usual sempais.

"Sigh, ANBU really is troublesome" he muttered to himself in his current position, repeating the phrase his Nara charge would say when he played shogi with him sometimes. His charges were kind enough to put a perch for him on the ceiling as a late birthday present, such kindness!

"Kitsune, would you mind not muttering during my lectures? You sound like an old man!" Iruka said with a tick mark. So, the traitor wanted to play it that way. Boar-sempai had started teaching him the finer points of messing with people. Let's see how the lessons paid off.

"Oh, of course, Iruka! At least I'm not _actually_ an old man like you!" Iruka gaped at that as the class busted out laughing at that. Iruka growled, no way was a kid younger than some of his students pulling one over him. He had to end this. The perfect revenge came to mind. His ANBU "watcher" was always sore about a certain subject…

"Humph, at least I'm not shorter than the first years." The class gasped as Iruka did a mental dance. That dance ended quickly though as Iruka was yanked into a desk, and Naruto stood in front of the class, somehow pulling a pair of glasses over his mask and holding a book titled "It's okay to be a midget".

"Let class begin. Today we will be discussing the finer points of midget-hood. Now, as many of you know, ninja are notorious for being slightly…less tall than others. However, what you may not know is that ninjas under five-feet two inches will live on average five years longer than their taller counterparts. This is due to being hard to hit. Additionally, most shorter ninjas have superior speed and can use their stature to get into their taller opponent's guard. Now, as most would think, midget-hood is a blessing in disguise and" On and on Naruto lectured from the book, much to the shock and horror of Iruka and amusement of the class.

Iruka Umino, esteemed teacher and academic, fell asleep for the first time during a lecture, and learned why height was not to be brought up around Naruto.

Sasuke Uchiha, supposed genius and "cool kid" found his eye twitching dangerously. If only he could hit the small basterd, but it was impossible. It was during this lecture that Itachi Uchiha took second place on Sasuke's hit list, to be replaced with the most annoying creature he'd ever met: Kitsune of ANBU. God, if he would just shut up and stop watching him! However, Sasuke soon calmed down. He was just paranoid, right? Kitsune wasn't stalking him, right?

 **Hokage's office…**

Sarutobi facepalmed as his surrogate grandson and favorite ANBU was teaching the class about midget hood and ninjas. His ANBU guards shook silently with laughter.

"Tell me, who gave Kitsune that book?" His voice commanding. Boar appeared.

"I believe it was agent Mouse, sir. He saw a… kindred spirit in our mascot."

"Get me Mouse. I believe Kitsune would benefit from another…playdate." Everyone shivered at the vindictive smile their boss gave, fearing for their comrade. At least Kitsune would sleep well that night. After all, caffeine crashes worked wonders as sleep aids.

 **One week before Naruto's tenth birthday, weapon's class…**

Sasuke Uchiha was officially weirded out. That ANBU-if you could call the idiot that, even if he w _as_ strong enough to beat him- was clearly watching him. During lessons Sasuke could feel Kitsune's eyes on him. During tests he couldn't concentrate, practically hearing Kitsune's eyes looking at him. And during practical classes, Sasuke was too worried about those _eyes,_ even if it was two black holes, staring at him. He shuddered.

Naruto was impressed. His charge had begun using real weapons for the target practice and did very well. Naruto silently cheered as they hit 15/20. While not like he could do- Flamengo-sempai insisted he hit 30/30 with senbon when he trained him- it was a start. Now if only he could figure out why Sasuke shivered sometimes. It wasn't cold and no danger was around except the traitor, but Iruka was too good to be detected by Sasuke.

Oh well, he would worry about that later, after tonight. Anko-nee had a spy they caught and tortured for him to kill. His first kill…

 **End! Naruto's growing up, and Sasuke's growing paranoid. And poor Flamengo! First his "play date" with Naruto and then training! May God protect the ANBU headquarters.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

 **AN: Another chapter! Hope you enjoy, for those interested my other story is starting to wrap up so go there and check it out! It's not as good as this one, but I worked hard on it.**

 **T and I…**

Kakashi and the other ANBU stood vigil outside the execution chamber for their mascot. Even Dragon in his ever calm way was there pacing. Cat was idly sharpening her sword, muttering. They all knew how important and damaging the first kill could be but getting it out of the way in a controlled environment was better than out in the field and freezing. Kakashi eyed the basterd who stole his little brother's heart as the favorite with smugness. When Naruto came barreling out of the room in a few minutes he would need a shoulder to cry on and someone to talk him through it.

That's when Kakashi would make his move. He just oozed the 'cool big brother' vibe and made sure he was positioned between the door and Boar, as statistics showed children will latch onto the first person in their line of sight. That affection stealing animal would finally fall back to number two most favorite ANBU on Naruto's list. When Kakashi found the piece of paper in Naruto's room ranking how much he liked each of his sempai's Kakashi wanted to make the competition…disappear. Now though, it would be sweet revenge to rub in Boar's face as his little brother went back to where he belonged: with Kakashi.

The door opened slowly and everyone's breath hitched, waiting. Naruto stepped out without his mask on, some blood splattered on his face and rubbing some tears away. Kakashi kneeled down, arms open wide. Naruto bolted forward. Yes, he was getting closer, just a little more.

"Boar-niisan!" Naruto cried, barreling past Kakashi like he was a statue and into his nemesis's- eh comrade's- arms. Kakashi's world shattered, ego destroyed.

"It's okay, Naruto" Boar's annoyingly comforting voice soothed the crying child. "Let's go to our spot and talk about it, okay? You know, where the Hokage and I told you about the kyubi?" Wait, _their spot?_ And BOAR got to tell him about the kyubi? No, this wasn't happening. Kakashi was the big brother. Ever since _Boar_ joined he had wheedled his way into every part of Naruto's life, and it wasn't acceptable! He turned mechanically behind him to chew the basterd out, only to find the remnants of a shunshin.

"I think you've been replaced" Flamengo said dryly, very Hyuga like. Kakashi glared at the man, though his mask hid it.

"I have _not_ been replaced. I just…need to show Naruto who his _real_ big brother is." Kakashi chuckled evilly, thinking of how he would prove to his little brother that Kakashi Hatake, Inu-sempai, was stronger, faster, and cooler than the loser Boar.

"I was not aware the mascot's affections were a prize to be won." Dragon said before leaving.

 **With Naruto and Boar…**

Naruto and Boar appeared on the top of a cliff behind the Hokage Monument, and sat to watch the sunset. Already Boar had a scroll out, and out popped popsicles. Naruto-who had already put his disguise back on- lifted his mask slightly like Boar and the two ate in unison.

"So squirt, your first kill."

"Yeah. I know he was evil and from Iwa, but his eyes…" Naruto sniffled a bit. Boar sighed and lifted him into his lap.

"I know. Killing an opponent who can't defend themselves is always difficult. I wanted you to wait until you killed in the field but"

"But me being a jinchuuriki they wanted to be able to stop me from going nuts, huh?"

"Heh, very perceptive. My lessons finally sinking in, eh?" Naruto giggled.

"No way! You're soo boring!"

"Boring, eh?! You brat! I guess you don't want to learn how to make a timed exploding tag?" Boar teased. As expected Naruto freaked out.

"No, no, no! I do! I do! Your lessons are the best, Boar-nii, even better than Inu-sempai's or Neko-sempai's!" Boar smirked under his mask as Naruto hugged him. It was great to be a big brother.

"So…I'm not a monster for killing him?"

"Absolutely not! Get that out of your head. I've killed many before for the village, and am I a monster?" Boar looked down at him.

"NO!"

"Then neither are you."

"You're the greatest, nii-san."

 **Bushes nearby…**

Kakashi felt more weight drop on him with each of Naruto's words hit. _Best, Boar-nii, better than Inu-sempai's. That's all I am now. Down graded from Inu-nii to Inu-sempai._ Then Kakashi's head shot up. Boar may have helped him today, but the first mission outside the village is always memorable. Kakashi would make sure Inu-sempai was the one to take him. Plan in place he headed off to the Hokage's tower, cackling. He never noticed a small wild pig watching him from the underbrush that disappeared as he left.

 **Thirty minutes later…**

Boar stormed into the Hokage's office at the same time as his sempai. After his summons informed him of Kakashi-taicho's plan he used a sleep jutsu on Naruto-the kid needed it anyway- and had a shadow clone take him to base. Now the two men eyed eachother under their masks, lighting flying between the foreheads.

"Hokage-sama! I have a request!" The two said at the same time. They glared at each other.

"Listen here, _kohai-basterd,_ as a captain and your sempai, I have the right to speak first."

"And as such you should show comradery in allowing your kohai to speak before you, Taicho-basterd." Boar shot back. This continued on for a few moments as Sarutobi watched in amusement. Ever since Kakashi found Naruto's list the two were in a sort of battle for the heart. Oh how he was going to love this.

"Achem. Gentlemen, if you please." Both stopped preparing jutsu and saluted. "Thank you. I understand that you both care deeply for Naruto, but this…this is ridiculous." He held up a hand to stop any arguments. "I have decided that you both would benefit from some bonding time. As such, I have an easy bandit mission in the northern part of Fire. There seems to be a missing ninja from sand that has started up his own gang. He has about two hundred bandits. I want you two to go and clean them out."

"B-but Hokage-sama, Na- I mean Kitsune is set to have his first mission tomorrow out side the village after classes let out for the weekend." Kakashi said, and felt a shiver run down his spine as the Hokage smirked.

"Oh don't you worry about him. He is going with the perfect operative."

 **With Naruto…**

Naruto just finished his academy mission for the weekend and was bouncing from foot to foot in the Hokage's office.

"Now, now, Kitsune. This is serious. Your first time outside the village is an important milestone. As you are young" _and have no sense of direction_ "I have assigned Tenzo to be your partner to deliver a message to our southern outpost." Tenzo, in a tiger mask, jumped down. Naruto slumped slightly.

"Why Tenzo-sempai? He's more boring than Inu-sempai and doesn't know cool stuff like Boar-nii." Tenzo was offended, not cool?! His mission just changed. Over the next two days ANBU's mascot will realize that Tenzo was, indeed, 'cool'. And he had just the thing.

"Say, Kitsune, can Inu or Boar do _this?"_ And Tenzo had a tree grow out of the floor. Naruto's eye holes had stars in them.

"AMAZING! DO IT AGAIN!" Tenzo preened. Tenzo, one, Kakashi and Boar, zero.

 **Two weeks later…**

"Finally back, I need to see my little brother" Kakashi panted as they walked into base. The bandit eradication had taken longer than normal as the two ANBU would not stop insulting eachother.

"Don't you mean _my_ little brother?" Boar replied. They growl at eachother and walk into the cafeteria as it was dinner time.

To see Naruto sitting on Tenzo's lap eating some rice and going over his notes.

"And then, Tenzo-nii, the traitor slipped on Kiba's spilled milk and fell on top of Mizuki!" He said excitedly. Tenzo, the child snatcher, chuckled.

"I'm glad, little brother. Just remember even if you find it funny, you can't laugh while on a mission."

"I know, Tenzo-nii. You always give great advice." And with that Naruto hugged him. "You're the best!" Tenzo turned slightly and saw Kakashi and Boar. He lifted his mask, and mouthed.

"Who's the best? I AM."

Kakashi looked at Boar. Boar looked at Kakashi.

"Truce while we take out the trash?"

"Truce. A certain kohai that I s _aved_ needs to be reminded of his place."

 **End! What do you think? I always found it odd that any ninja-especially Naruto, whose emotions could easily destroy the village- went on missions and didn't know a thing about the realities of ninja life. I would think they'd get their first kills out of the way. The Kakashi vs Boar was a thought I had in the middle of watering the plants yesterday and I doubled over sniggering from it. I find Naruto's switching around realistic for a child his age, even if I exaggerated it just a little…**

 **Anyway, have a great day guys!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

 **AN: I'm glad people seemed to like chapter 6! This chapter will hopefully bring laughs to everyone as well.**

 **Ninja academy, three days later…**

Naruto stared at Sasuke's head. He kept twitching and Naruto couldn't figure out why. _I have the afternoon off because all my sempai's have "adult" issues to fix, whatever that means… I know! I'll follow him and find out!_

Plan in mind the young ANBU focused again on the traitor's voice, as Mizuki assisted him. Poor Mizuki, having to deal with a traitor for a superior. _Don't worry Mizuki, I'll free you soon enough! He'll slip up eventually._

Kiba Inuzuka was sitting right in front of Kitsune's perch, and couldn't help but shiver at the laugh he heard. _I hope that laugh isn't meant for me._

Sasuke bolted out the door the second Iruka released them. School was a lesson in fear. Wherever he went, Kitsune was there. In class, his black holes of eyes seemed to gaze only at him. During outdoor classes Kitsune would give hints…to him, and him alone, and though those tips were useful he couldn't take it. Even in the bathroom Sasuke has caught him hanging on the ceiling, watching him.

Always watching.

And then the **notebook.** Wherever Kitsune went, he had the book, and wrote in it constantly. _Probably notes about me_ and he went green at the thought.

At least after school he was free. Or so he thought. _Oh come on!_ Sasuke mentally screamed. He had made it to his kitchen to pour a drink, only to spot Kitsune on the ceiling, hiding behind a palm leaf from his plant below. _Tell me he doesn't actually think he's invisible._ Sasuke stares for a moment, then decides to ignore it in favor of leaving for training.

Naruto breathes out in relief as Sasuke left. _I knew that disguise worked! Haha, completely hidden, good job Naruto._ With a final look around he slips out, following Sasuke.

Sasuke was ill inside. Clearly the ANBU was stalking him. Kitsune was sitting in a tree on the training grounds, following Sasuke as he worked on a fire jutsu.

Naruto was amazed. He didn't know a fire jutsu! He could only use a couple wind jutsu, not cool fire jutsu like Sasuke. He teleported down in front of Sasuke, making him fall.

"What the hell, Kitsune?!"

"Show me the fire jutsu! Please! Please teach me!" Kitsune bobbed from foot to foot, fists clinched in excitement. Sasuke blanched, not quite understanding why an ANBU-no matter how young and stupid- wanted to know a D rank fire jutsu. He was about to say no, then realized he could use this to his favor.

"Sure, Kitsune. But only if you show me your note book."

 **ANBU meeting hall…**

"Stop acting like children!" Yugao Uzuki banged the three dolts together by the heads, livid that her afternoon off with Hayate was pushed back to end this stupidity. The Commander ordered Inu, Boar, and Tiger to work out their differences but the three couldn't, hence her "womanly touch" was needed to coax them into agreement. "It's pathetic that three high ranking shinobi are fighting for a ten year old's favoritism that changes daily!"

"But Neko"

"Don't "but Neko" me, Kakashi. We all know you were supposed to be his brother but your sensei is gone, and you can't hog him." Boar sniggered.

"Yeah, sempai, don't hog him."

"And you, Boar. I'm delighted you teach Naruto every day and care for him, but keeping him from Kakashi is just childish. Now Tenzo" Said man squirms under her gaze. "Good work." The other two sputter.

"B-but Neko!" The shout in unison. "That basterd took Naruto away!"

"And kept him safe on his first real mission, taught him shinobi and mission etiquette, and has yet to show signs of perversion around him, such as reading smut or making him take pictures." Her eyes narrow. "Naruto will be back tonight and I expect you three to _share_ him. Understood?"

"Yes, Neko-sama."

"Excellent. Now if you'll excuse me I have a date with a swordsman."

 **With Naruto and Sasuke…**

"Seriously? Iruka? A traitor?" Sasuke felt his intelligence dwindle as Kitsune used his notes to explain-in great detail- how Iruka was most certainly a spy and that he would catch by writing everything he said down. Absolutely ludicrous, especially that the HOKAGE ordered it. Life just couldn't get any weirder. He almost wished the notes were about him, at least that would be simple, but nooo, the village funds were going towards investigating a chunin and "protecting" his class.

"Yes, so you see, this is my top secret mission. Now, the fire ball jutsu please." Sasuke sighed and led the ANBU to a secluded lake.

"Here are the hand signs, got them?" Seeing the nod and quick practice he continued. "Now, the trick is to build the chakra in your lungs and release it in a steady stream. The more you use, the bigger the fire ball. Don't feel bad if you make a tiny one at first, it took me weeks to learn." Sasuke smirked slightly, anticipating the promised failure it would be.

Naruto ran through the hand signs. _Let's see what happens if I put most my chakra in it!_ He breaths in and blows, the fire starting.

Sasuke's jaw dropped. _No freakin way. This little stalker…_

Sasuke was shocked as Naruto's fire ball was twice the size of _Itachi's,_ and he shot it up into the sky, a beacon for all. Naruto collapsed.

"Is that good enough?!" He said, panting. Sasuke just nodded dumbly, brain broken.

"I'm going home now," He said weakly. He needed to get away from this freak of nature.

Yugao and Hayate were walking towards the training grounds when they saw the massive fire ball jutsu lighting up the sky.

"How the heck"

"Let's go!" Yugao cut in, and the pair was off, swords ready for trouble.

What they found was a panting Kitsune, sitting on the bank of a lake. Yugao sighed, of _course_ he learned a fire ball jutsu and made it larger than possible. The two jumped to them. "Kitsune, what were you doing?"

"Neko-sempai! I had Sasuke teach me the fire ball jutsu. He said the more chakra you used the bigger the ball got and so I thought "what if I put almost all my chakra in it" and wow! It was cool!" Naruto explained with hand gestures. Yugao pinched the bridge of her nose and Hayate snorted. Naruto looked at him. "AHH! Neko-sempai look out! It's the ghost of the guy you killed!" Naruto placed himself between the two and pulled out his new book: how to ward off ghosts of past victims. Mouse-sempai was kind enough to give it to him after his first kill. Yugao face palmed in embarrassment as he opened to a page.

"Oh spirit that died, build a bridge and get over it. Cease your hauntings and accept that I-er Neko-sempai defeated you and stop being a sore loser!" He read word for word.

Hayate listened to the shrimp try and exorcise him in amusement. He almost died laughing at the "holy water."

"It says I need holy water. Well, that's just discriminating, what if normal water wants a shot! That's it, I'm exorcising using this lake water! Begone!" And with that proclamation Naruto splashed lake water on Hayate.

"Kitsune, stop." Yugao said, picking Naruto up. "Hayate isn't a ghost but…" How does she cover this up? "Hayate wasn't the target, his brother was! Now we're dating, so be nice!" She mentally patted herself on the back for the story. Naruto tilted his head.

"You must be pretty stupid to date the one who killed your brother."

"He was adopted." Hayate said smoothly, ignoring Yugao's sputtering.

"Ohhh. That makes sense! Hey, Hayate-sempai! Want to go eat?" Naruto ask, his stomach grumbling. Hayate sniggered as Yugao turned red.

"Now Kitsune, you can eat"

"With us. How about barbeque?" Hayate grinned mischievously. "Maybe you can tell me about some of the 'missions' you do?" ANBU's mascot had become almost famous in the jonin bars, his "missions" bringing loud laughter. Naruto climbed up to Hayate's shoulders and settled down.

"Yeah! There's this one time, Boar-nii wanted me to spy on the travelling theater and get the signature of the famous actress so he could copy it! But then I forgot who I was looking for and ended up falling on stage in the middle of the show! Thankfully I know how to juggle and showed everybody, saving the show!"

"Uhh, what play was it?" Hayate ask. Yugao answered for him.

"It was Romeo and Juliet, at the death scene! Honestly, I was so embarrassed when I saw him up there, singing the ABC's and juggling!"

"A-any other missions?" Hayate said between howls of laughter.

"Yep! One time I had to rescue the laundry from the top washing machine! I fell in…"

For the rest of the afternoon, Naruto Uzumaki gained a fond friendship in Hayate Gekko. However, three nosy men were observing with scowls.

"How dare that teme, trying to take the mascot away"

"He needs to be taught a lesson!"

"Truce?" Kakashi asks, looking at his fellow Hayate haters. The two crack their muscles.

"Truce. Tonight we shall have a _chat_ with our dear friend Hayate."

 **End! Short chapter but next time, will Hayate survive?! And will Sasuke's paranoia ever be relieved? Find out next time.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

 **AN: I wasn't expecting people to like this story so much, but apparently, I found my niche. I hope I can continue to make y'all laugh with Naruto's antics.**

 **Nighttime, Hayate's apartment…**

Hayate awoke to the akward feeling that all was not right. The first clue was the fact he was tied with chakra draining rope. The second was the fluorescent light waving in front of him hypnoticly.

The third clue was three of his girlfriend's collegues- Boar, Kakashi based on the hair, and Tiger, it seemed- were surrounding him. Hayate couldn't figure for the life of him _why_ Yugao's friends were doing this, and tried to speak.

Oh wait, Boar was pretty damn clever with seals, at least enough to create a silence seal.

"Figured it out, eh, you snake." Boar chuckled ominously, aiming the light right into Hayate's eyes.

"Thought just because Yugao likes you you'd get away with it?" Kakashi quipped.

"But you didn't take into account of _us._ " Tiger got close and played with a rather sharp kunai. Hayate was sweating. _What'd the hell I do?! I'm just the sick swordsman, and I haven't pissed off Yugao in weeks._ He looked at his captors, questioning their sanity.

"Tsk, tsk, he thought we wouldn't notice him seducing the mascot today." _Mascot… oh, Kitsune. Crap, what are they, his fan club?! Think Hayate!_

"No matter, we just came to warn you: Kitsune is my little brother and ANBU's mascot, find your own!" Tiger said. Kakashi turned to his partners in crime.

"I agree with everything except that Kitsune is MY little brother, not yours."

"I believe he likes me more than both of you combined but we can argue this later, for now…Hayate, stay away from Kitsune!" Boar warned, and something hit him on the temple, knocking him out cold.

 **Root base…**

Danzo sat in on his rolly throne that none would dare call an office chair, gazing at the perfect operative for this mission.

"Sai, you will enter the academy to watch the Uchiha and Naruto, who you are to refer to as Kitsune" He ordered. Inside Sai was both thrilled and wincing. His 'friend' was enjoyable, but just being around him attracted trouble.

"Yes, Danzo-sama" He bowed. "How am I to act?" Danzo thought for a moment.

"You will behave normally, but stay in the dead last position in order to be assigned the Uchiha's team."

"Yes, Danzo-sama."

 **Morning, academy…**

"Class, this is Sai, a new student who was homeschooled. Please make him feel welcomed." Iruka ordered. Sai bowed and tried a smile.

"Thank you for allowing me to be your comrade." He bowed again and walked towards Naruto's perch, sitting to the side of it. Class started and he began to draw- he had to maintain bad grades, after all.

"Psh…Sai" Naruto whispered. Sai turned his head and raised his eyebrow.

"Yes, Na-Kitsune?" He whispered back.

"You're good at spying, right?" Naruto asked. Sai nodded. "Then I need your help."

"With what?"

"With rooting out a spy. Iruka's a suspected spy and traitor, but I can't catch him do illegal stuff or sabotaging! Please, I need your help." Sai thought about it. A spy was a major risk, but with Iruka being such a public figure, they couldn't just make him disappear. But leaving him was not an option.

"Alright, I will help, for Konoha."

"And, I also need help with Sasuke." Naruto rubbed his head sheepishly. "He is acting jittery, and I want to find out why." Was the Uchiha contemplating defection? Yes, Sai decided, they would need to find out why. If only Danzo-sama didn't cut him off from Root for the remainder of the academy to not draw suspicion.

"I will help you. Here's what we will do…"

As the duo talked so quietly not even Kiba heard, both Iruka and Sasuke jolted, a shiver running down their spines. _I feel I should defect/run away._

 **Afternoon…**

Currently Iruka was dealing with a teacher's meeting over the first year desks being glued to the ceiling. _Sigh, looks like another late day._

Naruto was tasked with searching Iruka's apartment for clues. Entering through the window and disabling a trap, he began going through everything. Soon he came across a box stuffed with note books.

"Ooh, a diary? Iruka, age ten…I'll bet he's a fake Iruka and used this for study! I must examine every one of these!" And he began reading the innermost thoughts of one Iruka Umino.

Sai followed Sasuke to give his friend time with the traitor's apartment. Sai hated traitors, and the more he observed Iruka during lessons, the more he could see it. Every smirk could be a signal, every scratch of his nose an admission to guilt. Yes, Sai could see it.

But, alas, his job was the Uchiha, and so far the target simply trained angrily. Suddenly he shuddered, just like Naruto said. Interesting.

Sasuke Uchiha had _that_ feeling again. That feeling of being watched, stalked. He shivered against his will, and expected to catch a glimpse of Kitsune. It was worse, the new Kid, Sai, was in the tree, writing in his _own_ notebook. _One was bad enough, but two!_ Sasuke Uchiha went home. He had to update his hit list: Itachi just went down to third.

 **That night…**

Naruto left the traitor's apartment after reading through two diaries. Tomorrow Sai would take the Iruka shift, while he would tail Sasuke. Together they would solve these mysteries!

Naruto was walking down the ANBU hallways when a hand pulled him into the arena.

"Kitsune, where have you been?" Dragon asked. Naruto sweated a bit. "Sigh, I'll deal with that later. For now, I need you." Naruto perked up at this. Dragon led him to the center of the arena. Inu, Boar, and Tenzo were hog tied with multiple bruises present.

"Why is Boar-nii tied up? I have more notes to go over!" Naruto asked. About twenty ANBU were around the room, sniggering at how the mighty have fallen.

"Well, my minion, these three idiots seem to have forgotten how to share."

"But sharing makes good teamwork and in ANBU teamwork makes missions work!" Naruto shouted. He couldn't believe his three favorite sempais would do this. "What aren't they sharing? It's not desert, is it?" Neko snorted in the background.

"No, it's not desert, but something much more serious." Naruto took off his mask and glared at the three.

"Well then! Until you guys start sharing I won't talk to you! You are no longer my nii-sans and sempais!" And with a huff he walked off. "Neko-nee can you help me with my notes?" He grabbed her hand.

"Of course, my little brother. Let's go visit Hayate and he'll teach you a new sword strike."

After the two left the three men slumped to the floor, devastated, while everyone else laughed at their expense.

"I believe you three have some work to do." Dragon said with a hidden laugh. It was always amusing how a ten year old could break his men faster than any enemy interrogator.

 **Hayate's apartment…**

Yugao gasped at her boyfriend's bound state, and quickly freed him.

"Hayate! What happened, who did this?" She asked, slapping him from his daze.

"It was…those three jelous basterds, Kitsune's fan club. Said I had to stay away." He got out between coughs, his cold coming back. Yugao narrowed her eyes and then grinned, the perfect payback coming to her.

"Say, my dear Haya-kun, you always said you wanted to join ANBU, right?" Hayate paled a bit. He never liked that particular smile, and he didn't remember dreaming of ANBU. But his girlfriend said he did, and like any good and whipped male his survival instincts kicked in.

"Y-yes, dear. I've always dreamed of it." Naruto jumped for joy in the background.

 **One month later, T &I…**

Naruto was watching Anko-nee have her fun, eating Dango slowly through the observation window. Ibiki sat next to him. Sai and him had gone through the traitor's apartment several times, and nothing panned out. Their methods of detouring the traitor had dried up as well. It was time to take the heat to the suspect, but Sai only knew extremely obvious methods of extraction.

"Ne, Ibiki-sempai? How do you interrogate someone without leaving a mark?" Ibiki paused in his snack of red bean buns, secretly thrilled. He always resented that the mascot spent most of his time in the main base, and talked endlessly of taking that Dragon basterd's job. Now, if played right, Ibiki could get the man back for his endless bragging, and gain a new apprentice in the process.

"Well Kitsune, I like to think of it as more of an…aggressive conversation than torture. It's such a nasty word. In reality, it's an art form, and there are many ways to express yourself through it. Take Anko, for example. Watch as each slice of her kunai serves a purpose, and speaks louder than any words." Ibiki continued, and poor Naruto became enraptured in the rather decorative explanation.

Hours later, Boar walked in with Tenzo, having been forced into "sharing" Naruto. The two paled at the scene, as their sweet mascot was studiously taking notes while the sadist Ibiki demonstrated on a prisoner.

 **Root base…**

Danzo sighed at the report. His agent Sai managed to sneak a report in, explaining that he had been helping the bane of his existence- er, Naruto- to uncover a traitor and follow the Uchiha. This wasn't good, as they found nothing. Danzo doubted anything was available to be found, but Shin, the _current_ bane of his existence with the pranks he learned from Naruto, would be able to discover something if there was. Besides, the menace deserved to suffer in the academy for the next eleven months. If Danzo couldn't kill him, he could at least bask in his suffering.

"Get me Shin. I have the perfect mission for him."

 **End! What do you think? What will Shin do? Will Hayate survive his girlfriend's plan? Can Sasuke's nerves handle a THIRD stalker? And when will Naruto figure out he's been duped into learning?**


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

 **AN: Oi! Another adventure! I was reading "Outfoxed", which is quickly becoming one of my favorite fanfics simply due to the sheer amount of belly laughs it gives me, and the butchering of ANBU caused me to fall out of my chair, laughing so hard. In chapter 19 ANBU becomes "All of Naruto's Bitches United". Somehow, that led to inspiration for this chapter (not really sure how, lol.). I recommend checking it out!**

 **Next day…**

"Class, please welcome Shin. Like Sai, he was homeschooled until now and I expect you make him feel comfortable." Iruka glared at the class to get his point across. Everyone but Sai and Naruto gulped.

Shin was ticked. When he was told he had a "special mission" that "only he could do" he was excited and honored that Danzo-sama seemed to finally forgive him.

That was until the mummy basterd informed him-with a pleasant smile no less that would put Sai's to shame on the creep factor- that he would be masquerading as an _academy_ student three years his junior. Shin winced slightly as the loyalty part of the seal burned for the mummy thought, but it was worth it. He stood looking at the brats impassively, but a slight twitch at the introduction would let any Root agent know he was ticked.

However, that impassiveness turned to a cruel smirk that made everyone sweat as his eyes landed on his brother and partner in crime holding a silent conversation in the back. Heh, if they were here, maybe this "observation" mission of the brats wouldn't be so bad.

"Hey, Shin! I see Danzo-jiji got Sai's message." Naruto whispered. Shin quirked an eyebrow.

"Eh, kohai? What can Shin the Great do for you?" He asked. Sai twitched slightly. His brother had the annoying habit of boasting and giving titles in the third person: completely against Root code and could result in being…taken care of. Granted, Sai had to admit Danzo-sama seemed unable to go that route with Shin for some reason, even paying to treat his illness. Then again, the entire time Danzo-sama was muttering about "rational side" and "wishing he could give in and kill the three basterds." Sai could only hope those three weren't him, his brother, and his friend. For now, time to reign in Root's most colorful operative.

"Shin, we need your help. We have two targets: Iruka Umino and Sasuke Uchiha." Sai butted in.

"Assassination? Why do you need help with that?"

"No, not assassinating, just information gathering. Kitsune here is on a mission to uncover Iruka as a spy as well as observe and guard the Uchiha. Unfortunately the spy is good; we've gone through his home, office, and notes _many_ times to no avail." Shin nodded in understanding.

"And since I'm one of the interrogation and information specialists and this is a public target, you need my help breaking him without evidence?" At this both nod. Shin grins evilly. "Very well, we'll strike the first of next month, right before the weeklong break. In the meantime I'll help observe the Uchiha as well. This gives me time to gather psychological triggers and create a plan. Sai, kohai," He looks at them both, "let's have some fun."

Iruka Umino, the poor chunin instructor being run ragged by mysterious pranks done every day that caused headache inducing staff meetings, trembled while writing down one of the Shinobi codes. He shook it off. First he was sure someone kept breaking into his home and read his diaries-but that was stupid, right? And now that foreboding feeling. Nah, he just needed a vacation. Thankfully he had the weeklong break coming up planned out: sleep and laze around all day in his apartment. Ahh, the sheer bliss of it.

 **After school…**

Sasuke Uchiha couldn't believe it. The new kid, Shin-who looked too old for his class now that he thought about it- joined in the "Sasuke Stalk Club", or ssc as he thought of it. Now he had **THREE** unwanted followers, and this one had his own notebook as well.

Itachi just lost third place.

 **Afternoon…**

Naruto sat in front of a very frazzled Dragon.

"I hear you spent time with Ibiki Morino yesterday learning torture?" He asked hesitantly. Naruto blinked and then smiled widely.

"Yep! Me and Ibiki-sempai had loads of fun! He even said I could come anytime to help and learn from him." Naruto suddenly shifted nervously in his chair across from one of his idols, who appeared to have stiffened at this.

"So, I see that the vultures have started to swarm. No way will I let this slide!" Dragon muttered. Naruto tilted his head. "Oh, sorry, Kitsune. I just called you in here to ask: how would you like to be my personal assistant and apprentice?" Naruto gaped and cheered.

"YES! ABSOLUTELY!" He jumped up and down. Dragon chuckled. Let's see what the torture brute does about this. Now, all he had to do was take the paperwork to officially make the mascot his apprentice. First, though, time for the first benefit of having a slave- er, unpaid apprentice.

"Now, now, calm down. First part of Commander is learning how to do paperwork as quickly and accurately as possible. As soon as you can correctly complete a day's worth of unclassified paperwork in two hours-time I will teach you a new jutsu." Dragon mentally cheered as the kid bought it, like always, one of the benefits of masks and the ability to sound truthful. It would take the kid years to be able to do this, so until then Dragon could bask in his free time. And the first hour of said free time would be used to gloat over Ibiki. It was good to be Commander.

 **Later…**

It was late, and Naruto had just completed his lessons with Boar-nii and Neko-sempai, massaging his hand from his paperwork training. _Dragon-sensei is so nice, letting me learn from him now! Though the paperwork challenge is difficult. I know! I'll ask Hokage-jiji the secret to paperwork!_

 **Hokage Office…**

Sarutobi made the first sign of his favorite fire jutsu. Tonight was the night: he would defeat his greatest enemy: paperwork.

"Sir, please stop." Flamengo begged his leader from the corner. If his boss burned the paperwork they'd be here all night re doing it. Sarutobi was going to ignore him when his favorite distraction ran full force in.

"Hokage-jiji! I have an urgent question!"

"Oh, what is it?" Everyone braced themselves. Last time Naruto had an "urgent question" he had been forced to explain the cycle of life after Boar-that no good traitor- told the young boy that "only the Hokage is authorized to explain baby-making".

"Dragon made me his apprentice today!" Most in the office held back sniggers, Sarutobi included. Dragon had been by earlier to gloat to Ibiki-who was himself filing for Naruto as an apprentice- that the mascot was his now, and as such Dragon had more free time, whatever that meant. "And now he is teaching me the way of the paperwork until I can do a whole day of paperwork in two hours" the office winced at the truly devious plan-poor Naruto would be working on that task until he was fifteen probably. "Once I can he'll teach me a jutsu! So I figured that since you're Hokage you would know the secret to beating paperwork! So, how do you do it?"

Hiruzen Sarutobi, the god of shinobi, shook, tears flowing down his face. The guards held their breath: their mascot had stumbled across the most taboo subject, the one problem their 'god of shinobi' couldn't solve.

"Listen here, Naruto. I have wasted many years pondering this question, and have deduced there is no true justice in our world as the evil that is paperwork triumphs every time. Go, and learn to put up with it." Naruto paused, then stomped his foot in defiance.

"Don't you worry, Hokage-jiji! I will find the secret to defeating this ultimate enemy!" And he stomped out. Sarutobi watches him go.

"May that foolish quest leave some of his sanity intact."  
 **Root base, Danzo's office…**

Danzo's hand hovered over his hidden kunai. It would be so easy to stab through the eye. Nobody would even know!

"Hey! I asked a question. How do I defeat paperwork?"

Danzo Shimura, the darkness of shinobi, mocked by a child who was untouchable about his sorest subject: paperwork.

 **Week before break, Sai and Shin's apartment…**

Naruto sat with the brothers in a circle, discussing the plan of operations.

"Kohai, how many shadow clones can you make?" He asked.

"Fifty-six now without collapsing, why?" Naruto asked.

"Great. I'll need them to post them as guards and help the interrogation." Shin replied like it was obvious.

"But…it isn't training or a battle."

"And?"

"Hokage-jiji said using shadow clones for other purposes would make a fox die!" Ahh, there was the problem. Shin had long since figured out how the Hokage and ANBU duped Naruto into following rules or doing their dirty work, and no amount of reasoning would convince him they were lying. Heck, if Sai didn't insist Iruka was a traitor Shin would believe it was another setup by the Hokage. _Think, Shin, think. Light, meet bulb_ (AN: Same thing Sarutobi said with the shadow clone lie).

"Well Kohai, I have come across a solution to the problem." Naruto looked up hopefully.

"You have?"

"Oh yes, I have. I find that if you shout "Shin is Great" then the Shinigami is appeased and doesn't take the fox!" Sai looked at him, wondering how he thought Naruto would fall for it. Of course, though, Naruto gasped in amazement.

"The Shinigami thinks you're great?!"

"Definitely. He finds my overall awesomeness too much to ignore. The shadow clone jutsu is super useful in everyday life, even if I can only make one. They can cook for you, clean for you. Heck, I even make them do my mission reports!" A blast of air is the only indication Naruto was there, as he ran full speed to his jiji.

 **Hokage Office…**

Currently the Hokage and Dragon were having an inventory meeting. Normally Sarutobi would be talking to Naruto about how his day went, but since those two Root boys joined- he really couldn't complain as it evened the class out- Naruto had come back later and went straight to missions, training, and his apprenticeship. He knew the two boys were talked into helping with 'rooting out the traitor'. He just prayed the three wouldn't do anything drastic. Just as the two were discussing the woes of careless shuriken use, the object of his thoughts came in with an air of triumph.

"I DID IT! I SOLVED IT!" He shouted. Sarutobi winced at the volume and asked kindly.

"Oh? What did you 'solve'?"

"Just the secret to paperwork." Instantly both Dragon and Sarutobi were shaking him.

"HOW?! HOW DO YOU BEAT IT!" Naruto grinned behind the mask.

"Just say "Shin is Great" and make your shadow clones do it!"

Mechanically the most powerful shinobi in the village put his hands in the cross sign. "Shin is Great: Shadow clone jutsu!" And five clones appeared for paperwork duty. "Naruto: my pride and joy. You have saved the village. What can I do as thanks?" Both men bowed to the ten year old.

"Umm…"

Up in the rafters Boar shook with laughter as his little brother managed to get both his bosses to admit defeat. He made sure to take a picture for blackmail later.

 **Danzo's office, later…**

"Danzo-jiji, I solved the paperwork mystery!" Naruto shouted happily. Twenty Root agents had their swords at his throat, and Danzo looked hysterical.

"HOW?! TELL ME!" He grabbed his menace and shook him ragged.

"Easy: Say "Shin is Great" and make a shadow clone and make them do it!"

Much like his rival Danzo followed that order blindly, not realizing he just called his most hated and unkillable operative Great.

And thus Shin would inadvertently go down in history as the only one who made both the darkness and god of shinobi say he was 'Great' in the same day.

 **END! How was that?! I have to wonder how Sasuke's genin introduction will go considering "Itachi just lost third place". Have an awesome Friday.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

 **AN: On to the next chapter! I hope everyone's weekend goes well, so enjoy.**

 **Night, Iruka's apartment…**

Chunin Iruka Umino loved his job, he really did. Torturing and nurturing young minds into loyal Konoha soldiers brought a smile to his face. But, breaks were always welcome. Weeklong breaks were even better. And weeklong breaks he can spend in his tub, soaking his muscles and not think about the possibility somebody was entering his apartment while he was away? Perfection.

Aw yes, holidays were amazing. The tub, the bubbles, soft candlelight that softened Kitsune's mask staring at him.

Wait. Iruka would never admitted but his scream was shriller than a Haruno's.

"AHH! KITSUNE WHAT THE HELL!" He screamed. The ANBU was perched in front of him, balancing on the sides. He put a finger to his lips and shushed him.

"It's kind of hard to kidnap you if you scream, traitor." Naruto chided.

"K-k-kidnap me?!" Iruka moved to kawarimi with his towel but ink snakes wrapped around him, one biting him.

"Nighty night!" Naruto waved cheerfully as Iruka faded.

After Iruka passed out Naruto turned to his friends.

"It's a good thing Mizuki told us about Iruka's bath ritual." Sai nodded.

"Yes, the man may have been instrumental in taking down a traitor. Though I do have to wonder why he was cackling while he told us."

"I bet he was the one who originally told Hokage-jiji about Iruka!" Naruto rationalized.

 **Unknown location…**

Iruka Umino had been in many awkward situations, but finding oneself sitting in a bedroom filled with princesses painted on the wall, stuffed animals on the bed, and a four poster bed while you yourself wore a ballerina outfit took the cake as the weirdest- not to mention Iruka hated the color pink ever since he started teaching. The color reminded him of his student Haruno but he only told his diary about it…he facepalmed. Remembering who his captors were Iruka paled, knowing he had to get out of the room immediately. He tried to use his chakra but found it was blocked somehow. The door slid open, and Iruka cautiously stepped out.

His greatest fear awaited him: ungraded papers. Everywhere- the walls, ceiling, floating in the air- were tests, ready to be graded.

"I must finish this" He said, frantically whipping his head around for a pen: one kindly dropped from the ceiling and a desk fell down for him to use. In a daze, Iruka started grading, intent on leaving no paper without feedback.

Naruto, Shin, and Sai watched this scene play out from the rafters, amused.

"Are you sure this will work?" Naruto whispered. Shin nodded seriously.

"Most definitely, my doubting kohai. The pink surroundings and outfit and chakra suppressants made the genjutsu effective. His rational thought went out the door when he saw the tests, and each one has a minor genjutsu on it. As he is forced to read through it each one he will become more and more open to suggestions, thus making him _want_ to admit his crimes." Sai sighed slightly.

"Why must you go over the top, brother?"

"Hush. Now kohai, are you sure the owner won't interrupt?" Shin said. Naruto waved dismissivly.

"Not a chance. This is Neko-sempai's off duty apartment and she's on guard duty for Hokage-jiji the next several days. There's no way she'd find out."

Poor Naruto didn't know there was a certain crystal able to see everything.

 **Hokage's office, sixteen hours later…**

"Sir, we haven't seen Kitsune in almost a day." Boar said, worried. Neko chimed in.

"What if he's hurt?" She was worried. Naruto was a little brother, and the thought of him missing or getting injured was too terrible to think about.

"Sigh, fine, we will search for him. Honestly, he's probably just bothering Danzo or stalking Sasuke Uchiha, the poor boy. I would talk to Naruto about boundaries but reports show Itachi is now fourth on his hit list. This is a good sign as he is less likely to defect if his top three are right here in Konoha." Sarutobi got up from his comfortable reading chair to grab said ball, his two clones glaring at his paperwork.

"Or drive him away, sir. I mean, have you seen him lately? More skittish than our Mouse." Boar snorts.

Somewhere in ANBU headquarters a certain ANBU operative sneezes and bolts, startled. In their retreat they drop their newest book: How to not be scared by your own sneeze!

Sarutobi banged his head on his desk at what the crystal ball scene. "Where did they take Iruka to?"

"Is that…a tutu?" Flamengo asks, idly pushing the "Macot viewing button". Within seconds ten ANBU appeared with popcorn, the Commander in front. They crowd around and most sweat drop.

"Our kohai is so devious."

"Are those the Root kids he hangs out with?"

"Shh! We aren't supposed to know about Root!"

"Wait, is that a pink bedroom? Whose apartment is that?"

One Yugao Uzuki started trembling in rage. She let Naruto sleep over once, and now her greatest secret was out.

"That little bastard. That's my favorite outfit. When I get my hands on him." She storms out, murder in her eyes.

All of the males in the room had their jaws on the floor. Their Yugao Uzuki, Konoha's demon sword cat, lived in an apartment more suited for a small child and had a _tutu._

"Should we save the mascot?" Boar asks in a worried tone.

"And face that, men?" The Commander asked incredulously.

"NO SIR!" They chorused.

"May he die a painless death." Another adds. Everyone agrees before turning to the crystal ball. It would take an invasion to keep them from watching this.

 **Yugao's apartment…**

All three boys screamed when a demon appeared in the hallway, eyes red and hair waving wildly.

"Oh BOOOOYS- Come out and PLAY" A sickly sweet voice sang. The demon walked past the frantic Iruka, swatting him through three walls with her sword. Iruka would stumble home in a daze that night, his memory gone, and would be confused the next morning as he woke up in the tutu.

"N-Neko-sempai, what a nice surprise" Naruto tried.

"Tsk Tsk, _boys,_ stop trying to run." She said. The three culprits gulped. And then took off their masks.

"Okay men, defensive maneuver 12!" Shin ordered. Sai and Naruto gave stiff nods.

 **Office…**

"This otta be good" Boar laughed.

"I wonder what this is?"

"Defensive maneuver 12"

"Whatever it is, it won't work, not against an angry woman." Kakashi drawled. "He is too young to survive this".

 **Apartment…**

"READY?" Shin calls. "FIRE!"

"REVERSE HAREM: HAYATE STYLE" Naruto screams, and twenty Hayate Gekko clones appear. Yugao stops.

She stares.

And falls back in a nose bleed. Shin gives the signal and the three monsters run for their lives.

 **Office…**

Everything was silent. Nobody stirred, their eyes bugging. Hayate-the real one- chose that moment to step into the office with his ANBU paperwork to join. He wades through the stunned crowd. When he saw his girlfriend with twenty of him clad only in smoke he stopped.

He stared.

And he walked out.

"Excuse me, gentlemen. I believe I have to kill myself twenty times and take my rightful place."

"…"

"First the paperwork and now this."

 **End! How was this chapter? I don't know how the idea came to be but it happened while I teaching a piano lesson. Enjoy your Saturdays!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

 **AN: Hey! SOOO… since I kinda just enjoy finding new characters to embarrass for humor, I want your opinions if you ever have a favorite character that should make an appearance.**

 **Later that night, Root base…**

Danzo was a cross between sick glee and embarrassment. On one hand he had the three bastards **asking** asylum in the base for the rest of break- Naruto even brought a signed permission slip from Hiruzen- to escape Yugao Uzuki's wrath. The whole week was his to do to them as he wished.

But on the _other hand_ the incident that led to this was utterly humiliating for his Root program! He gazed down at the slightly nervous Sai-good, nervousness at his presence was one of the few emotions he allowed and encouraged- a sheepish Naruto- at least he was repentant-…and a grinning Shin. "While I care not for that chunin spy" He began. Hiruzen didn't want Naruto to know he was being duped yet so the three couldn't be punished for their stunt. Apparently Iruka couldn't remember anything so the old monkey covered it up. "I cannot condone you getting caught! He is high profile, and using such methods were just ASKING to be found out! You three have all, no matter how hard to believe, been trained by ME at various lengths, and thus represent Root." Naruto raises his hand, and Danzo's eye twitched but complied.

"Yes, You little heathen?" _Must not strangle Jinchuuriki, must not strangle Jinchuuriki!_

"Danzo-jiji I thought nobody knows about Root, so how do we represent it?" Danzo grit his teeth. _Breathe, you handsome devil, remember the sessions with Fuu. Just remember: you are top dog, show them whose boss, for killing is too merciful!_

"Well…how about a mission to show you?" Danzo's oh so innocent smile made Shin and Sai pray Naruto had the brains to turn it down. When that smile came out, puppies died, babies cried, and volcanos erupted. That smile meant the one mission that sent even the most loyal Root agents running for the Hokage mountain-death was preferable to this. To their horror, Naruto did not in fact, possess the brains to say no.

"A mission?! Is it outside the village?!" Naruto quivered in excitement: he rarely ever left the village for a mission. The last time Inu-sempai and Boar took him to get magical milk or something from another village for Konohamaru.

"Oh yes, very far out of the village. In fact, it's a special assignment only you three can do." Shin chanted to whatever god would listen to trained assassins _Please no, please no, please no._ "My dear mother lives halfway between here and Tanzaku Gai. Every week she prepares the most delectable brownies in existence for me, but sending them through a ninja carrier would be sacrilege and she enjoys company. Normally I would have an agent go spend a few hours with her but the break from school presents a unique opportunity. You three will go to her house and spend the week with her. You will cook for her, talk with her, and tend to her house. At the end you will preserve my brownies in a scroll and escort them back like they are the daimyo himself! Am I understood?"

Danzo smirked maliciously as the three set off. There was a reason he moved his mother away from him so many decades ago.

 **On the way to Danzo's mother's house…**

"Wow! A mission with just us three!" Naruto shouted happily as they traveled faster than most chunin, Naruto because of excitement and the Root boys from experience. Shin and Sai were green behind their masks.

Sai was apprehensive. Tell him to blow an orphanage up and torture their puppy and he would whistle while he worked. Make him assassinate the Daimyo's mother that mocked Danzo-sama and it was just another Tuesday. But to have the double SS class mission of "Brownie visits" and he seriously considered defection to Orochimaru and asking to be an experiment.

Shin marched to his assured death. Two days was the longest an agent's sanity had remained intact around Lady Shimura. Going a week? Shin was sure they'd have to send the Hunter nins to put him down for insanity.

"When we get there maybe she'll give us more brownies like last time! What do you think, Shin, Sai?" Naruto was oblivious to the tension in the air. Sai decided that even if they were not going to live past the week, protocol should always be followed.

"Kitsune, we are on a mission. Call us by our codenames. I am known as Viper's fury- Viper for short- for my quick and precise attacks and Shin is known as"

"Don't you dare." Shin hissed. "You will both just call me Sempai. Am. I. Clear?" Both nodded with passion. Shin couldn't let his codename get out there- Danzo picked them and Shin was on his bad side that day for a prank involving laundry- the moniker was not going to be spread to his Kohai- the hero worship he enjoyed would be shattered.

"Hey! We should come up with a squad name" Naruto blurted out after ten minutes of silence. Sai shrugged but Shin… Shin was Shin.

"Hell yeah! That's my little kohai, now what's the perfect name to show my greatness?"

 **Morning, Lady Shimura's house…**

The three black op agents arrived at their target's house. The outside looked normal enough. A white picket fence, immaculate yard with a garden, and a semi modern house greeted them. The door had a daisy doorknob and smiley face bell. Knocking, Shin- the self appointed squad leader of "Team Shin and His Lackeys- SHL for short- gulped. Soon, the door opened.

And even Sai had to fight his instinct to laugh, and Naruto had to use what he learned from Mouse's "How to Appear Like You Don't Give a Damn When All You Want To Do is Laugh volume one" to keep his cool appearance.

The woman that greeted them was Naruto's height but weighed more than two hundred pounds. Her eyes-beady like Danzo's- were covered in wrinkles and purple mascara that clashed with her burnt orange lipstick. Wearing a traditional pink kimono, Lady Shimura had her copius amounts of white hair twisted up into a drill on her head (AN: Watching the end of Incredibles and I saw the Under minor drill- light, meet bulb) with a red bow on top.

"Oh! My little Dani-chan sent me some visitors!" She gushed, and ripped the mission scroll out of Shin's hands. He didn't care- he had potential blackmail on _little Dani-chan_. She scanned through it several times before yanking the three inside to sit at her polka dotted table. "My my my! I get you three cutie patooties for an entire week! I can't wait to go shopping with you, Kitsune, Viper's fury, and…Rabid Bunny Slippers?" She asked. Shin banged his head on the table. There goes his manhood.

 **Hokage's Office…**

Three ANBU quickly becoming known as "The Kitsune Fan club" were angrily staring at their boss.

"You let Danzo send Kitsune on a mission?!" Kakashi roared. Sarutobi chuckled a bit.

"Why yes. He and his two friends are on a special assignment for Danzo."

"You couldn't, Hokage-sama!" Boar yelled. "We were going to take him on his first assassination mission!"

"I was going to help him scout the target" Tiger muttered.

"And I would show him the cleanest way to slice the throat" Kakashi added.

"I would show him how to seal the head!" Boar finished. Sarutobi sweat dropped.

"I would never dream of taking your family bonding experiences. They are on the "Brownie visit" job to Danzo's mother for the week." Tiger jolted.

"I take it back. Send him on an assassination mission! One week with that, that _woman_ will drive them insane! The record is two days before it's too late." Tiger gripped his head, remembering when _he_ ticked Danzo off enough to be sent on that mission. It's really what made him despise Root.

"I am sure it's not that bad, Tenzo." Sarutobi said placating. He never met the woman, much to his surprise, but she couldn't be that horrible.

"Hokage-sama, you are too trusting in the human race."

 **END! How will Naruto survive? And will Shin recover from his "loss of manliness?" Find out soon!**


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

 **AN: Time for another adventure! I wanted to shout out one of my favorite fanfictions right now, "Orphan" by KingsofSarutobi. I swear it's amazing and unique, his writing style is captivating! I plan on reading the new chapter, chapter 9, as soon as I finish this update. You guys should check it out too!**

 **Lady Shimura's house, day 1…**

Unknown to many, Danzo Shimura didn't always want to be a shinobi or have 'hidden' goals of world domination. No, despite the fact that the old war hawk had a lifetime membership to Conqueror's United- a very prestigious group of individuals all encouraging each other in their take over goals- Danzo Shimura used to have another dream.

To be a singer. Oh yes, the 'Darkness of Shinobi' used to practice his do re mi's and breathing exercises everyday for his dear mother. Who recorded every bit of it. And chose to share it with her three guests.

Now, most would find it hilarious, and the boys did- but there was a reason Danzo never became the next "King of Folk" or father of the newly invented "Metal" music popular amongst the new generation of angsty Shinobi as they bemoaned killing and seduction in favor of world peace and negotiation. Bah, fools, all of them! No, Danzo didn't become either those things- his voice, while an effective interrogation tool, was not meant to be listened to by the innocent. Unfortunately, Lady Shimura didn't share this sentiment.

"Oh, isn't my Dani-chan a genius! His voice soothes the birds, and mice fall into a trance at the sound!" What she failed to realize was the birds outside dropped dead as they flew past the open window, and the mice willingly went to the mice traps figuring it was a valid escape from the decades old recording of a failed singer.

"Y-yes, Lady Shimura. Of c-c-course, Danzo-sama should quit his job and join a band." Shin said diplomatically as the three sat on her overstuffed couch. His ears were bleeding from the screeching. If only his curse seal didn't have a failsafe to prevent the Root agents from spreading these videos- torture they may be, but black mail they deffinetly were. Shin looked at his two comrades. Neither were cringing and Naruto looked asleep. _What the, not even Naruto would find this pleasant._ It was then Shin noticed a crumpled note in his Kohai's hand. Discreetly opening it while Lady Shimura danced along to the video, he read his reason for homicide.

 _Sempai,_

 _Sai and I couldn't take it so I_ _made clones and had us switch with them. Don't worry, we'll bring some take out from the town tonight, Sai said you wouldn't mind watching Danzo-jiji's mother for the day!_

 _-Kitsune_

Shin blinked. He crumpled the note. And then he smiled behind his mask. _So, they want to play it_ _ **that**_ _way, eh?_

 **Day three…**

"Oh, I am so excited! To be escorted by two handsome devils to my weekly spa trip! And to offer to guard me the entire time? My, how sweet." Lady Shimura waddled down the street, hold Naruto and Sai under her arms. The two still weren't sure how she got the impression they offered to follow and watch her while she did her mud bath and massage, but they knew who set it up.

 _Shin._

The jerk was high above their charge's sight, sitting on a lamp post. The mask made it impossible to see his facial expressions but the sign he held up said it all

"Payback's a bitch, brats. Enjoy hell."

"V-viper," Naruto wheezed. Sai looked over the mountain of flesh separating them.

"Yes, Kitsune?"

"We're going to get him back, right?"

"…"

"Viper?"

"If we survive."

"What are you two whispering about?" Lady Shimura asked, swinging the two high into the air.

"Nothing!" They both exclaimed. "Just…planning some activities for you and Sempai." Naruto continued. Sai snapped his fingers.

"I would like to inform you, Lady Shimura, that Rabid Bunny Slippers adores your gumbo that you give Danzo-sama. He always talks about his desire to eat more of it, straight from your kitchen." Lady Shimura grew stars.

"THEN I WILL MAKE HIM HIS OWN POT OF IT!"

 **Day four…**

Lady Shimura had delectable brownies, but somehow the food deity could only shove that one recipe into her skull. Everything else was declared highly toxic by the Shinobi Food and Drug Association- SFDA for short- and as such Danzo was known to use it in interrogations.

And Shin was sitting in front of a three gallon pot of it. The goo bubbled up, and a fly buzzing over it hit one of the steam trendels.

And promptly burst into flames. Shin's eye twitched. _Those little bastards. I_ _ **will**_ _have my revenge, but first… how to live through this? Think Shin, think!_

Bingo. He smiled slightly as Lady Shimura squiggled in front, giggling at seeing her guest enjoy a meal.

"Lady Shimura, if I may… Would I be able to look through Danzo-sama's old photo albums while I eat?" The woman nodded eagerly and ran-somehow – to the back room. Shin whips a storage scroll out of his uniform, seals the whole pot up, and is calmly wiping a napkin over his mask when she returns. "Oh, forgive me, Lady Shimura, but that gumbo was so divine I ate the pot too."

"Oh! You and Dani-chan are the same way! He always eats even the pot while I'm out of the room!" Shin grins slightly and nods.

 **Day seven…**

The three ANBU or ANBU wannabes bowed to their charge and took to the trees. Somehow they survived, with only minor twitching in the limbs. Every night Danzo's voice rang through the house singing "And I will always Love you" and "What a Wonderful World" , which considering the man was the definition of hate, bitterness, and deceit, the result was nerve racking. During the day between helping Lady Shimura complete her Zumba and "Ninja training for the civilian" it was no wonder the former operatives lost their minds.

Only Naruto's shadow clones saved them from ingesting the horror that was the home videos of Danzo's potty training.

Day five was the day they banded together, setting aside their differences and becoming a truly inseparable team. As Shin led them back to sanity, he heard Naruto snickering.

"I know that laugh. What did you do?" He asked, worried. Thankfully Shin was carrying the scroll with the brownies so Naruto couldn't eat them, so that was out.

"Hehe. I know _you_ guys can't spread Danzo-teme's darkest secrets, but I can do it for us." He holds up three tapes and the photo album. Sai and Shin can't help it: they cackle madly, Naruto joining in.

"May the bastard rue the day he messed with team SHL!" Shin declared and ignored the burn of an activated curse seal. It was worth it.

 **With Danzo…**

Danzo shivered. "I feel as if I unleashed a great evil on myself. Also, why do I feel the need to put the seal on Naruto before he goes home?" He shrugged and turned back to his work: calligraphy. Hiruzen may have become a better ninja, he may have taken the hat, and he may have aged better, but Danzo Shimura would win at this.

"Just you wait, old rival, I _will_ win this year, if it's the last thing I do." He took a glance at his entry form on his desk.

This year, the 'calligraphy international' magazine would put his picture on the front after he beat the monkey in the annual contest.

 **END! I hope this was enjoyable, I loved writing it and any comments or suggestions are always welcome.**


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

 **AN: I see many want Hinata and the Hyuga clan… why not?! Let's see how Flamengo feels about the mascot coming for a visit, poor man.**

 **Root base, upon Team SHL return…**

"Agents Kitsune, Viper's Fury, and…me, returning from SS-class mission "Brownie visit." Shin ground out to the receptionist- a sadistic little brat named Akuma-, still recovering from the ordeal.

"I'm sorry, but there are no agents called "me" at this time. Please tell me your code name or be **exterminated"** Akuma cheerfully informed him, her red hair bouncing as she spoke. She secretly hoped he refused- her experiments had all died out and willing subjects were so hard to find nowadays. Shin sweated. Akuma sometimes made Danzo-sama wince at her ideas.

"N-no need for that, Akuma-sempai! Agent Rabid Bunny Slippers here!" He waved his hands in surrender. Losing one's pride was better than losing one's life. Akuma pouted but waved them in.

"Well, if Danzo-sama declares them insane from overexposure to Lady Shimura I bet he'll let me have them!"

All three boys shivered at the giggle she let out.

 **Danzo's office…**

Danzo sighed at the completed mission that _didn't_ result in loss of sanity for even Shin- though the occasional twitch by the three spoke of at least some success. Now, though, his beloved brownies called.

"I take it you three enjoyed yourselves?" He inquired pleasantly, fully enjoying the ki emanating off of them. _Thank goodness they have the curse seals though- I can't have them spreading my…foolish childhood among Konoha._ Suddenly all three smirked, and Danzo's stomach dropped.

"Oh, it was…informational, Danzo-jiji" Naruto sniggered. "In fact, we learned _so_ much from your mother about you that I gave them to Hokage-jiji since he never saw them before and he's your best friend!" Danzo paled, then he saw red. Screw rationality. Screw needing a weapon. Screw Hiruzen. THIS. WAS. WAR.

Unfortunately for the old war hawk, the three brats had taken the cowards way out and fled instead of facing their punishments like men.

"CURSE YOU BASTARDS!" He pulled at his hair. His greatest embarrassment, in his rival's hands! Then he calmed down. "Hehe. Hiruzen doesn't want _his_ darkest secrets to come to light, and he mentioned Naruto needed a place to stay over the summer in a few months for training and to give Sasuke a break. Let's see how my nemesis's like three months of Camp Danzo. After all, death would be too lenient for them.

 **With the Hokage…**

Sarutobi chuckled darkly. These videos were amusing-if watched on mute, of course. And the album? Nothing made Sarutobi's day like seeing his old political rival in a nappy or with long luscious locks in his teen years. Of course he'd never share them with anyone- he couldn't have his rival allow his cross dressing stage come to light, after all, even if they were just for Biwako. No, these would be for his pleasure alone. Suddenly his three favorite people at the moment showed up in a rush, their forms haggard.

"Hokage-sama/jiji!" They chorused. Naruto continued in a pant.

"Danzo-jiji wants to kill us! Save us!" He collapsed on his knees, begging. The two Root agents- weren't they supposed to be emotionless- followed suite, crying in fear. It was most amusing, and he made sure Inu grabbed some pictures.

"I have no intention of killing the bastards…er, banes of my existence…er, children." Danzo said smoothly as he strode in the door. He gave Sarutobi a hand sign. _Play along. Get the video rolling._ Sarutobi smirked inwardly.

"To what do I owe this pleasure, Danzo?"

"I am just here to get approval for the summer camp I'm running after the academy lets out in six weeks. I know Naruto is always up for training and his two friends wouldn't want to be left behind." He held in a malicious grin as the three paled.

"Danzo-sama, we wouldn't want to trouble you for extra training" Shin tried. Danzo cut him off.

"Oh no, it's no trouble, Rabid bunny slippers. I always strive to improve young talent. That errand you three ran this week proved you all deserve my _personal_ instruction, seeing as you have all slacked on training to complete your spying missions." Shin tried to hide his displeasure at his name, only to fail miserably.

Sarutobi chuckled darkly. It was time for Naruto to learn that if he messed with a shinobi, he best be prepared for the consequences, and a jab at his skills would be plenty.

"That sounds wonderful, old friend! I'm sure Naruto and his friends appreciate any extra training you can give! Their skills are lacking for their positions, especially Naruto's. It's official: come summer vacation they will be the test subjects for 'Camp Danzo'."

 **Class, next day…**

All three members of the team were queezy. Naruto couldn't focus on his notes- the traitor would probably not slip anyway today. Sai casually wrote a will, leaving everything to his old orphanage. Shin racked his brain for defection routes to Iwa- let them hang him for their hatred of Konoha rather than go through Danzo's "training". Yes, all three boys were down in the dumps that they didn't notice a certain Hyuga walking up to them.

Hinata Hyuga was a a kind and shy child; she'd cut flowers than throats. Normally in class she would timidly sit next to Sakura, barely there in the eyes of the class. Today, however, Hinata found her seat after lunch taken- Sasuke Uchiha moved there for some odd reason as he hated fangirls. Hinata didn't question though. Instead, she went to the only other available spot not in the front- next to the two 'weird ones', Sai and Shin, and in front of the class ANBU, Kitsune.

Now, Hinata had no reason to doubt Kitsune's abilities, but he seemed too vibrant to be an ANBU. Today, though, all three looked like they were sent on a suicide mission. "U-um i-i-is e-everything alright?" She asked meekly. Shin raised his head and Sai quit signing over his pet rock collection. Naruto lifted his head a bit.

"Sorry, Hinata Hyuga, but we are being sent to a madman's camp in six weeks for summer." Naruto sighed. Hinata was curious.

"A m-m-madman's c-camp?"

"Yes, the Hokage feels we need more training" he pouted, oblivious to the fact it was more punishment and jokes than training. The still socially stunted Root boys also completely believed it was because their skills were lacking.

"W-what i-i-if you got s-stronger b-before c-camp? Ma-maybe you w-w-wouldn't h-h-have t-to go?" She tried. Seeing him so down made her heart flutter, and she couldn't help but feel sorry for him. Shin felt hope rising, and Sai prepared to seal his will away. Naruto rubbed his hands together.

"That…could work! But, the other ANBU are all busy…" All three drooped their heads, and Hinata thought fast.

"What about the H-hyuga clan? M-my f-f-father a-and tutors w-would l-love an A-ANBU t-to train with, a-and c-classmates are a-always w-welcome. We c-could h-have tea too" She pushed her fingers together. Naruto was grasping her hands, grin evident in his voice.

"Thank you, Hinata! We'll come over tomorrow at four!"

Hinata, seeing the close proximity to her and him, promptly fainted.

 **ANBU base…**

ANBU agent Flamengo loved his job, really. It got him out of the compound for most days, as ANBU could only live in their homes off duty, and he eventually grew to enjoy the mascot's presence- training him was always a breath of fresh air, and he bragged to Ko about how fast his kohai picked things up compared to the heiress and Neji.

Now, though, he questioned his love and bragging of said mascot as he stood bouncing uncontrollably after informing the ANBU that he was going to be training with his clan, mainly Hiashi-sama, tomorow. No. This couldn't be happening.

"You…are going to be training and having tea with the HYUGA HEAD?!" Flamengo lost his composure. Naruto cocked his head, wondering what the problem was, it was just tea and training. His kohai was going to embarrass himself and by proxy Flamengo because he had no concept of noble behavior. "Kitsune."

Naruto shivered. Flamengo-sempai only used that tone once when he had to practice calligraphy for twelve hours. It was punishment after Boar-nii had him steal Flamengo-sempai's "Icha-Icha" for blackmail training.

"Until morning I will be drilling you in the art of tea ceremonies, how to be courteous to hosts with an ANBU mask in place, and Hyuga manners." Naruto tried to bolt, but a juuken to the legs made escape impossible.

"NOOOOOO" was heard all throughout the base. Unfortunately, all of Naruto's favorite ANBU were out on missions and the Commander was enjoying the new "Icha Icha black ops" volume twelve to care.

 **End! Next chapter is the long awaited "Hyuga clan" fiasco. How will such a stiff clan survive "Shin and his Lackeys" over the next several weeks? And any ideas for "Camp Danzo?" Finally… The CALIGRAPHY contest! Oh, how will that intense battle play out? Will Danzo** _ **finally**_ **win at something?**


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

 **AN: Wow! A lot of people are enjoying the Hyuga idea! Also, the idea a guest reviewer gave about having the Konoha 12 join Danzo's camp is truly devious and I might do it…I don't know. If you guys have any characters or ideas for the "camp" please send them! So far I have gotten most of my training ideas for it from one of my favorite anime "Kenichi the Mightiest Disciple"- love that show, please watch it.**

 **Finally, Danzo need to give our blonde mascot a code name for Root missions-any ideas? The more embarrassing the better.**

 **Hyuga compound…**

Hiashi Hyuga was a proud, calm, and regal man. He never showed his displeasure or sadness when amongst others. But the three boys in front of him pushed his Hyuga powers to the mask.

Was this karma for the Kumo incident? No, not even karma was this cruel.

It all started when his sweet eldest daughter brought the ANBU guard and two classmates to train with the Hyuga. Hiashi originally was delighted- the two classmates, Shin and Sai he believed, were obviously Root with their uniforms and the ANBU agent was young- a prodigy no doubt, and the Hyuga in the ANBU spoke highly of his abilities. They would be good training partners and the political prestige would be enormous. Yes, everything was going well until the tallest one opened his mouth.

"Prepare for trouble, make that double…crap, wrong speech, rewind!" He coughed and restarted "We are the strongest black ops team. Hailing from the shadows, women shout our name! Men fear us! Children try to be us! Holding the record of longest sanity remaining intact in the only weekly SS-mission, never showing enemies anything but our badassness- we are team SHIN AND HIS LACKEYS!" They strike ridiculous poses in a totem pole fashion.

Sai was on the bottom, looking resigned and giving a crane pose. "Thank you for your hospitality" he said in a monotone.

Naruto was on Sai's shoulders, holding fire crackers in each hand and waving them around. "Never fear, future ANBU Commander here!" he chirped.

Shin was on top, standing on Naruto's head, victory sign in place.

Overall it was the most embarrassing thing Hiashi had ever seen. And they did it in the street.

Sniggers were heard from both the guards and everyone around. Hiashi swore he heard a camera click. Hiashi resorted to what worked on most annoyances- ignore them.

"Yes, very well, welcome to the Hyuga compound. Please follow me for training and tea." Hiashi Hyuga made the biggest mistake of his life- ignoring Shin and Naruto.

"Sempai, he ignored our awesome entrance!" Naruto stage whispered. Shin had murder in his eyes, a look Sai always dreaded.

"I know, Kohai. Don't worry though, they _will_ acknowledge my awesomeness." Naruto nodded, ignoring Shin didn't include him in the "awesomeness".

 **Rooftop nearby…**

Flamengo began ritualistically banging his head on the roof top.

"I'm doomed! I might as well just never go home! No no nonononononon!" He continued. Boar and Tiger were sniggering next to him, taking plenty of pictures.

"I knew that suggesting a flashy entrance was worth it." Boar howled, clutching his sides. Tiger joined in as Flamengo whipped his head up and glared at Boar.

"IT. WAS. YOU! I SPENT HOURS TEACHING HIM MANNERS AND YOU **RUINED IT!"** Flamengo's eyes bulged behind his mask. "Prepare, sempai, for today you will die for corruption!" Boar dodged a juuken strike to his center. Laughing, he taunted his kohai, and for the next several hours calls of 'take your death like the filthy scum you are' could be heard around Konoha.

Tiger watched them go. He knew Naruto would cause plenty of black mail worthy situations, but agent Tiger had always wanted to know if Hiashi Hyuga had a secret pleasure for perverseness like Hokage-sama. Chuckling, he made a seed, and had it take a message to his Kohai.

Now he just had to sit back with his roasted peanuts and enjoy the fruits of his labor.

 **Hyuga compound, tea time…**

 _Calm, Hiashi. Think of this as training for dealing with unpleasant situations. Yes, you cannot kill them- Danzo and the Hokage would not stand for it- so just calmly sip your tea. Ignore the bouncing ball of ANBU destroying the tatami mats and the tall Root agent laughing manically while throwing senbon at unsuspecting elders. Take your revenge out on the cooks._

Hiashi Hyuga's predicament came to be because a rather foolish side branch cook gave the three boys caffeinated tea. Judging from the now shambled room Kitsune and Shin were obviously both 'decaf' people.

The intentions were pure; after an arduous three hour sparring session complete with an apparent trap war between his youngest and Shin it seemed logical that caffeine would perk them up.

 _I say the objective has been complete._ Hiashi pointedly ignored Shin as he landed on the clan head's hair, munching on it like an animal. The others in the room were less composed. Hinata was even curled into a ball praying for mercy.

Except Sai, that is. He serenely drank his tea, using a silk napkin to dot his face. Whenever a launched tatami mat hurled at him a tanto would appear out of nowhere and slice it in half.

"You knew they acted like this?" Hiashi seethed inside as the boy smiled in his creepy way.

"I have no idea what you mean, Hyuga-sama. No idea at all." _That little punk! He's lying through his teeth and knows I can't do anything!_

An hour later everyone but Sai was collapsed, either from a caffeine crash or from watching the display. Naruto sat up in jerk soon after, and looked over to Sai.

"I believe, Kitsune, that you have a mission to complete?" He asked politely. Sai wondered why his friend was given the B-class mission of seeing Hiashi's "dirty little secret" but let it go- a mission was a mission, after all.

Naruto creeped through the main house, wishing to not wake anyone. He made it to his target's study, and made shadow clones with the required offering.

"Shin is Great: Shadow clone jutsu!" Five Naruto's popped up, and fanned out.

"Hey Boss" one said immediately. "Think it's in that giant vault right there with a sign "do not enter: man cave?" All Narutos blinked, then ran over to the now obvious- how did he not notice a seven foot wide metal safe door?- before pulling out a safe breaker kit.

"Heh… let's see. 0…0…0…0." Naruto paused. "The guy was really that lazy?" The clones shrugged and they opened the door slowly. Light creeped in. Naruto could tell it was full of shelves and displays. He held his breath in case of traps. Looking closely, he was able to see hundreds of his target's…

China doll collection?

 **End! Nice obsession for Hiashi? And this was just the first Hyuga visit. And Sai, that little devil.**


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

 **AN: Time for chapter fifteen already. Please enjoy, and review/comments are welcome.**

 **That night…**

Laughter was heard throughout the ANBU base as the pictures of Hiashi's doll collection spread. Even Flamingo was frothing at the mouth when he realized his stoic clan head was girlier than the Yamanaka. Only two ANBU were not enjoying the boon and potential black mail material.

The commander and his apprentice.

"Faster, Kitsune. I wouldn't want your friends to die because you can't outrun a sloth!" Dragon said in a sing song voice, grinning under his mask at his apprentice's plight. They were at their weekly training session and today Naruto was working on speed. By outrunning Dragon's sloth summons. While carrying both Sai and Shin. One really felt low when a sloth was gaining on them.

"Yeah kohai! Pick up the pace, Shin the Magnificent will not go down as the man beaten by a sloth!" Shin tugged on Naruto's hair like reigns.

"Shut it, bunny slippers! You try running from a sloth with two people on your shoulders!" Naruto yelled up, only to realize Shin wasn't listening.

"Why would I ever do something like that? That would be beneath me." He drawled while examining his fingernails. Sai sighed at his brother's antics.

"Shin, please act your age. And Naruto, think of how strong you'll be after this. Oh, and please stop swaying- it's hard to draw." Naruto tries to retort but Shin gags him.

"Less chit chat more escaping! That sloth is vicious looking!" He said franticly.

Said sloth grinned, drool running down as it dragged itself by the arms towards them. It was motivated- if it caught the odd trio and drooled on them it would have a month of no summoning to look forward to.

An hour later Naruto was crawling to the finish line. Shin and Sai were glancing nervously at their pursuer that was a mere foot from drooling on them. Three feet to the line.

Two feet.

Six inches.

Naruto's hand is almost across the line when the sloth swallows his foot.

"Glad that isn't me." Shin deadpans as Naruto screams in horror.

Dragon takes a picture before releasing his summons, and Naruto pants as his passengers dust themselves off.

"Next week you can carry Boar or Tiger if they're back from their mission!" Dragon pats the groaning heap that is his student and leaves to catalogue the newest photos.

"Sai. Shin. Water." Naruto begs. Unfortunately both were already gone, leaving a poor mascot to suffer alone. "Guys? Please?"

 **Hokage's office, days later…**

"This is a mission of both national and personal importance." Sarutobi spoke with the seriousness of a war meeting, causing Naruto to shift nervously. His first solo mission outside the village. "This is my entry to the annual Calligraphy contest, which I've one first place many times. This year will be no different. You are to take this parcel to Tanzaku Gai and protect it with your life, as sending it through the mail would be foolish. Expect opposition from Danzo's men as the bastard always tries to steal my rightful place as king. Deadly force is authorized, for the good of Konoha!" Naruto accepted the scroll, glancing at the poem inside written out in beautiful script.

"Understood." He sets off, vowing not to lose, even to Danzo-jiji.

 **ROOT…**

"My old rival is entering the most prestigious Calligraphy contest again this year. My entry _must_ win first place. Sarutobi is sending Naruto to Tanzaku Gai with his poem- intercept him and destroy his entry while ensuring mine makes it to the entrance office. Deadly force is permitted if need be. Do not fail me. If you succeed I will waive you from the camp." Sai and Shin gulp but bow, hopeful.

"Yes, Danzo-sama."

 **Hours later, half way to Tanzaku Gai…**

Naruto barely touched the branches as he headed towards the town. Failure was not an option- if he succeeded Hokage-jiji would let him not go to Camp Danzo. Nobody would stop him, not even Sai or Shin. A volley of shuriken and ink beasts stop his thoughts.

"Oi! Come out, Shin, Sai. I know you're there." Naruto shouts after he dodges the attack. Out steps his comrades, his brothers, his friends.

His enemies.

"Tsk, tsk. My little kohai, much improved. But you're not strong enough to fight both of us yet. Give me the scroll and we'll let you go." Shin said with steel in his voice. _Sorry Naruto, but our lives this summer are at stake!_

"Not going to happen! Shadow clone jutsu!" Thirty Narutos appear and charge the boys in different directions as Naruto tries to escape. It works too, except Shin was better at telling which was a clone than Naruto thought.

Shin draws his tanto, meeting Naruto's in mid air. The struggle for dominance freezes time until Sai's bird breaks them up. Landing on opposite tree branches they face off, both having their scrolls strapped to their backs . Soaring into the air both Naruto and Shin send shuriken at the silk straps, cutting the entries that flutter to the ground.

"Fire style: Great Fireball jutsu!" Were the twin calls, as both scrolls incinerate in mid air. Sai face palms at the sight as the two jutsu happy ninjas look triumphant.

"Guys…you doomed us all." He informed them, causing both to shiver as they saw the twin piles of soot.

"Maybe they wouldn't have won anyway?" Naruto tries. Shin snorts.

"Hardly. The Hokage always wins and Danzo-sama is consistently in second or third. They'll notice alright." Sai pulls his will out again. Time to prepare his estate. All three sit down in despair.

"…"

"…'

"I GOT IT!" Naruto bolts up. Shin looks up, hopeful behind the porcelain. "We'll just make our own calligraphy poems and sign up as them!"

"Kitsune, that won't work." Sai tries. Shin though, is buying into it.

"Yeah, that could work! I bet they only win because of their stations anyway- I mean, have you read Danzo-sama's poem? It was about emotionless love. How does that even work?"

"I know, right? Hokage-jiji wrote about life's greatest pleasure being tobacco- boring. I'll bet we can make their entries better!"

"But how do we plan to make both have first place?" Sai, the voice of reason, asks. Naruto thinks for a moment before clapping.

"The rules allow couples to enter together for the same placement! We'll just put Danzo-jiji and Hokage-jiji as a couple, that way they both win." Naruto said this as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Sai would have corrected him in his error of putting the two most dangerous and powerful men in their lives as an item but Shin was eating it up.

"Genius! That solves everything. Okay, SHL, let's make a poem."

Over the next hour Sai acted wrote out the rather…unique poem by Naruto and Shin in his fluid handwriting. He attempted multiple times to interrupt them and have them pick a less…controversial subject, but they were adamant.

When they turned it in the contest's facilitator read through it and gave them an 'are you serious' look, to which they expertly ignored. Shrugging the man filed it away. Who was he to judge other people's love lives? 

**Next issue of Calligraphy international…**

Sarutobi lovingly used his letter opener to slice the manila file holding his victory issue. Sliding it out he smiles as his face comes into view on the cover…and Danzo's? Sarutobi breathed out- perhaps they tied and Danzo had sent another entry after Naruto incinerated his old one?

Thumbing to page thirty six he pales and goes red.

 _Congratulations to the couple entry by Sarutobi Hiruzen and Shimura Danzo! The lovely couple combined their talents and created a true testament to their growing feelings over the years. Titled "Two sides of the Leaf" the epic love poem talks of the forbidden nature of two boys turning into men, both destined to hide their feelings for the good of the village! Oh, how romantic._

Sarutobi's door slams open to a very irate Danzo.

"Hiruzen"

"I know" Sarutobi grinded out. "I believe three young puppies need to learn not to mess with the wolves."

"Camp Danzo is too far away" Danzo pointed out. Sarutobi nodded.

"True. They will be going, but until then… I think the Hyuga might want to help in their 'education'."

 **End! This chapter just sort of came to me- I hope that while unexpected the results of the Calligraphy missions brings you to tears of laughter.**


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

 **AN: Poor Naruto and his friends! The next couple of chapters (I might combine a couple) will be focusing on some of the payback missions the Hyuga, Hokage, and Danzo thought up. I also had inspiration for a joke by Boar- let's see how it goes.**

 **Academy, Kawarimi learning day…**

Boar was somewhat of a jokester and found joy in getting under people's skin. When he was called into his leader's office and ordered to take over for Iruka and teach the kawarimi jutsu, he finally had an excuse to mess with the mascot again after months of being too busy.

"Alright class, today I must speak to you on a matter of grave importance." Boar kept his voice grave. Naruto perked up at his fifth favorite ANBU's voice- Flamingo and Dragon took the top two spots for the week. "I must teach you…the Will of the Log." Cue twenty pairs of eyes staring blankly. "I can feel your apprehension but to be a leaf shinobi you must embrace the very idea of what it means to be a shinobi.

For in your time of need, call on me. For an instant we are one before the pull sacrafices me for you. I am the log. You are the shinobi. Through enlightenment you will become something more than you are- that is the Will of The Log." Sai, Shin, and Naruto were considering his words while the rest of the class had one collective thought.

 _Are all ANBU this nuts?_

"Umm, sensei?" Sakura asks with her hand raised. Boar nods.

"Procede, young sapling."

"Riiight. I thought we followed the Will of Fire, not Log?" Most nodded along, indeed raised on such an ideal. Boar knew he'd probably regret this but then threw caution to the wind in favor of a good laugh.

"Blasphemy!" He shouted, causing everyone to straighten. "We are the village hidden in the leaves, not fire! Fire's will is against the Log's will. Everyday shinobi disgrace their protectors- the logs! As punishment you will all learn to become one with the log!" And thus everyone learned the kawarimi, ignoring their crazy sensei.

Except Naruto. Shin caught on to what Boar was trying to do and reinforced the prank, much to Sai's dismay.

"Listen kohai. The Shinigami has spoken to me." Naruto gasped. Shin used this excuse anytime he wanted Naruto to follow him to the end, not that Naruto knew. "I know, it is a blessing. He has decreed that the Log must be respected; failure to do so dishonors him, and will be met with sacrifices of fox kits." He paused, then added one last nail. "Anytime you follow the Log to safety you must not speak the blasphemous name "kawarimi" but instead my name. From now on, when the pull beckons say 'Shin' and you will be saved." Naruto nodded fiercely and took notes.

The students caught this conversation and had multiple reactions.

Sakura and Ino banged their heads on the table in despair for the village if everyone was this crazy.

Chouji and Shikamaru considered if ninja life caused psychotic breaks.

And Sasuke? Well, he just prayed this didn't somehow come back to bite him.

It did. That afternoon Naruto tied up his charge to the training log to "feel the log" as Shin recommended. What made it worse for the Uchiha was that the ANBU tied himself up next to him and started speaking of the teachings of Shin and the Will of the Log.

Sasuke decided Shin was the cause of most his problems. Heck, at this point Sasuke wouldn't bat an eye if it turned out Shin drove Itachi to the massacre. Perhaps being a missing nin was preferable to being within a hundred miles of the self proclaimed "Shin the Magnificent."

 **Week later, Hyuga compound…**

Naruto finally got rid of the Log worship after thirty ANBU surrounded him, demanding he fix the mascot. They watched in growing fascination when Shin simply walked up to Naruto while he hugged a log and said.

"Kohai. The Shinigami and the Log are at war. Which side do you chose to revere?"

And like that Naruto used the fireball jutsu to incenerate every log within a hundred feet distance. The ANBU had one thought.

 _Note to self- when needing to trick/ teach Naruto, call Shin._

Now the three boys were in Hiashi's office, being told of a "mission" *cough* revenge *cough*.

"As you are aware, us training you without you giving anything in return goes against everything Konoha stands for. As such, I have gotten permission from the Hokage to send you three on an errand." The three smiled at the thought of a mission. Hiashi his sadistic smirk behind his tea cup. "The Hyuga clan prides itself on having the best hair in the Land of Fire, no small part is due to our bathing rituals. Our servants use a specialty shampoo from the town of Becauseyou'reworthit that is run by Loreal. Problem is, we are low on our supply" _We only have two years back up_ "and Loreal only allows women to enter the town and all our females are busy. Loreal is a master of the Shampoo style and will be able to detect a henge six miles away. That is why… you three will be dressed as women and act like women for the entirety of the journey. Can I trust you with this mission of grave importance?" He smiled benignly at the three. Somehow, all thought that though it was a question, refusing to accept the mission would result in unpleasant results.

"Count on my team, Hiashi-sama."

"We will not fail you."

"As future ANBU Commander I will complete this mission!" Hiashi paled slightly at the thought of that ANBU becoming the second most powerful ninja in the village. _Maybe I should order the Hyuga 'Flamingo' to become the ANBU commander for my sanity._

 **Hokage's office…**

Danzo chuckled evilly at the scene from the crystal ball. None of them had yet to learn how to act like girls- that lesson was scheduled for the summer- so Loreal would be able to tell they were males right away.

"She won't kill them, right?" Sarutobi asked a bit worried. He couldn't let them die before he had his revenge.

Using three S-class missions the Hokage managed to get ninety percent of the magazines within the land of Fire but he already received letters of congratulations for "finally realizing the real you" from Onoki and A. That humiliation could not go unpunished.

"No, of course not. They might be…taught a lesson on proper behavior of women but they won't die." Danzo didn't sound completely sure, but Sarutobi has long since realized that Naruto always came out on top, somehow.

 **On the road…**

Walking in Yukatas should be considered a viable torture mechanism, all three decided.

"Curse the Hyuga name," Shin grumbled in his pink dress with bunny slippers adorning it.

 **End… soo, how was it? I hope everyone has an absolutely positively amazing FRIDAY! Whoo!**


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17**

 **AN: Hope the weekend went amazing, everyone! Listen, I am trying to update everyday so when I get a pm saying to "update more" I get kind of, well, offended. I'm sorry if my super fast writing speed of spending an hour each day completing a chapter doesn't work for you but I have a life. Also, this week I might not get to update everyday due to it being Southwest Believer's Convention- basically a week of church. Rant done, I realized I have never done the infamous disclaimer for this story so here it is:**

 **I do not own Naruto because if I did the ninja ostrich would be cannon. Maybe even a summons (am I the only one who loved that episode?).**

 **Gates of Becauseyou'reworthit…**

"Grr. If I have to spend another day dressed like this I'm going to go four tails" Naruto threatened in a whisper. The poor ANBU wore an orange yukata with bow wearing kitsunes printed on it. His hair, dyed black also sported a bow. What really sealed the hatred though was the makeup to hide the whisker marks- Sai had a taser to shock him every time his hand inched upward to scratch the torture cream. Another shock hit Naruto in the side, causing him to glare at Sai.

"Keep quiet and walk like a girl, Nanachi. And Usagi (rabbit) stop fixing your wedgy- it's unladylike!" Sai admonished. Since leaving Konoha he had referenced the book Mouse gave him, "How to be the Girliest Girl around yet still look good in blood for kunoichis." By this point the eleven year old truly fitted into his snow white yukata with snakes embroidered and veil. It was rather unnerving.

"Halt, fair maidens. What business do you have?" The guard, a busty brunette guard asks. Shin answers with a cocky grin.

"Greetings, fellow members of the fairer sex! I am Usagi, and these are my sisters, Nanachi and Sai- er Saiyuri! We are here for the ultimate shampoo made from the sweat of your fair labor, to take back to the Hyuga clan!" He gives a thumbs up and a wink. Sai's eye twitches dangerously at the moronic and obviously male greeting. Naruto tries to smooth things over as the guards eye them with suspicion.

"Ah, ah, please forgive my sister, pretty ladies! She just learned how to speak like you do this week!"

"Like we do?" One questions.

"Yep! Like women!" Naruto blurts out. Cue face palms as instantly twelve sword wielding women surround them.

"Code balls! Take these imposters to the dungeon where Lady Loreal will decide their punishments!" The heard guard barks.

"Oh my, to think- that's the second attempted break in this week." One of the women murmurs to her companion.

"Men. They never learn" the other says sadly.

 **Prison cell…**

Deidara couldn't fathom how he was in this situation: him, an S-class criminal, helpless in the dungeon of his favorite place- the village that made heaven's blend of shampoo. He had been here before and none of the guards ever questioned his femaleness.

Deidara didn't know whether to be joyed that his masculinity was finally being recognized, or offended that people no longer thought him pretty enough to be female. The iron-clad door creaks open and three boys dressed as little girls fall in a heap, bickering among themselves.

 **With our…heroes (what exactly have they saved? Oh well, it sounds cool)**

"Brother, Nanachi, this is why you should have read Ch,12! It goes over a script for infiltrating a village as a lady!" Sai waves the paperback in Shin's face, who bats it away.

"Shut it, Sai! I refuse to be bound by society's norms of what defines a woman!" He ranted, causing Sai- and Deidara, who was watching them in fascination- to sweat drop.

"That mindset is what got us into this mess, Shin. You should have let me handle it! And Nanachi, you should know better than to blurt out our cover." Sai ground out.

"Hey! Why am I the only one who can't use their name?" Naruto puffed his cheeks out.

"Sigh…because your real name is too obvious- so you shall stay Nanachi."

"So…what are they going to do to us?" Naruto questioned. The youngest- and most naïve- of the group was worried for his safety. Inu and Tiger often warned him that "an enraged Shinigami is preferable to a slightly angry woman" and the women he saw were more than just 'slightly angry'. Of course, Boar told him that women were easy as long as you gave them the puppy dog eyes jutsu… "Hey! I know how we can survive this!" All three other occupants congeal around him. "Here's the plan…"  
 **Thirty minutes later…**

"Good plan, un." Deidara complimented. Naruto beamed at him, but Sai and Shin started sweating.

"My apologies, but what is terrorist bomber 'Deidara' doing here- you could break out rather easily." Shin reasoned. Technically they could to, but their orders were to not comeback without the shampoo- and mission before life and all that.

"Un. This shampoo is heavenly and divine! To damage the sacred grounds would be treasonous!" Deidara fumed. Deciding that having an angry S-classer mad at you was hazardous to one's help Shin waved his hands in surrender.

"Of course, of course. I was just testing your resolve to the sacred brew!" Shin backpedaled.

"A true believer! Let us discuss our devotion to it!" Deidara held up copies of 'The Holy Manifesto of Loreal!' "I can make you a member of the order!"

"OOH! ME! ME! I want to join too!" Naruto waved his hand in the air. Sai groaned. For being chunin level, Naruto resembled more a first year academy student than ANBU.

Fai loved her job- thirty years of torturing males and putting them through 'female boot camp' kept her young. Currently the older woman had four recruits to nurture into 'femmales' within a week. It was all a part of the Priestess's glorious plan for domination of the male race. But she would let the higher ups deal with the long term.

Fai had new students, one of whom was a known criminal who was working with some group called Akatsuki. If she trained him well enough, they would have a puppet that would then turn every male he worked with! With that kind of fire power the world was at their fingertips.

She stuck her key in the lock. With a deep breath Fai stepped in to see her new students, well aware the first meeting had to establish her as their boss. Opening her eyes Fai looks…and sees the infamous 'Puppy eyes Jutsu' at its strongest.

"Alright future femmales let's get to work!" Too bad their attempts were futile- to beat her they needed the forbidden version- the chibi puppy eyes of madness. Seeing their flabbergasted expressions she smirked. "You will learn that such weak attacks have no effect on a true female!"

One thought echoed in the four males- _We're screwed!_

 **END! Next time- mutual bonding through suffering. Haha.**


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18**

 **AN: Yo! Here for another wacky update. Just fyi, one of my favorite currently updating stories, "Orphan" by KingofSarutobi has a new chapter and I love it like always. Seriously, if you guys haven't checked it out please do. It's completely different in style and humor from mine but amazing.**

 **Also, I started a new story "From Academy to ANBU" so if you like this one, I believe you'll enjoy my new one!**

 **With SHL and Deidara…**

"I won't do it! Not even Anko-nee is this cruel!" Naruto wailed. Fai just snapped her fingers and three masked women force him to hold still.

"Don't even think of disobeying me, shrimp. These beauties are our improved version of ANBU- the CONDITIONER squad! Through the power of beauty and product they can take out any target. You stand no chance. Now sit there and be reborn." Fai leans forward and plucks Naruto's eyebrows one by one. Every time Naruto tried to move a whip made of scrunchies tightened around him. Freedom was impossible.

Shin was in a similar situation as Naruto, only the target was his legs. "Femmales take pride in being waxed" Fai said maliciously and another woman started the painful process of ripping hair out.

"No! Please not that! My mustache!" He screamed as the lone hair that popped up last week on his upper lip was viciously extracted.

Sai took his punishment like a good solider and only spat in their faces. _You will not break me_ his eyes promised. Or, at least they did until the eyelash roller came out. After that Sai did what any man would do and pleaded for mercy.

Deidara, the new addition to the group, found out the new meaning to pain and it wasn't from his insane leader. No, he was enlightened by the fine tooth comb being dragged through his wet hair (AN: I have waist length hair and those combs are more painful than anything else beauty related in my humble opinion.).

After the body preparation class, the boys were dragged to 'shopping till you drop 101'.

"I can't go on, guys! Make the nightmare end, leave without me" Shin cried after an hour of shoe identification class and collapsed on the ground. Sai and Deidara soon joined, and motioned for the youngest to abandon them for the greater good of the mission- it had be completed. However, Naruto was raised on the ideals of Konoha's Will of Fire and Kakashi's nindo.

"I refuse to abandon my fellow man! A great man tells me that those who break the rules are trash but those that leave their comrades behind are worse than trash! We are Konoha ninja! Do we give up?"

"NO" All three replied, even Deidara who hated Konoha was moved.

"OF COURSE NOT! And do we back down from a challenge? Do we FAIL a MISSION?!"

"NO!"

"Who are we?"

"Konoha ninja!"

"And what do we do?"

"Triumph!"

"Because that is"

"OUR WILL OF FIRE!" The four say valiantly in unison. Many of the populous had gathered around and were moved to tears with fires in their bellies from Naruto's speech.

"Then my comrades, let us fear not as we march through the valley in the shadow of woman's scorn. For Konoha's honor rest on our shoulders! March." And they did, side by side, down the street with their watchers baffled by their conviction.

The next day Naruto and company were forced into chairs facing a wall sized screen.

"Mwahaha. You bastards may have withstood day one with your petty words, but after this you will become the perfect vision of femmales. Sheila, hypno beam please." For the next several hours the four endured the strongest hypnotizing ray in existence while a monotone voice spoke soothing orders.

"Real men wear frills."

"Men serve women- it is for the best."

"I am proud to be feminine- to show the primal urge of males is a sin."

"I will serve Loreal's goals."

On and on it went. Naruto sniffed at the lame attempts- if Fuu couldn't break him, neither could these armatures. But, his comrades were not so lucky and started repeating the phrases in reverent tones back to the speaker.

"Oh yes, Loreal-sama! I live to serve you!" Shin shouted with hearts in his eyes. Naruto steeled himself- time to save them.

"Oi! Are you really that weak? Who are we?!"

"KONOHA NINJA!" were the automated replies and within seconds the three former zombies became whole once more.

"Forgive me, for I had lost my Will of Fire." Deidara said mournfully.

"I had forgotten that ROOT doesn't give into the temptation of ending the torture- I will not fall" Sai added.

"Kohai, brother, new brother, we shall stay strong." Shin said. As one they spit at the screen, daring it to try and break them.

Fai took it as a great challenge.

A week later, three brainwashed males and one unbreakable one stand outside the gate in the woods nearby, Naruto holding the scroll with the mission's objective- the blasted shampoo. Shin dabs his eyes.

"Oh, I must not cry- a lady simply does not let her make up run."

"Oh, sister, but if you must cry do remember to do so gracefully." Sai admonished, keeping his parasol up- a lady must not get a sunburn after all.

"My sisters, I simply must leave you with a heart as heavy as lead, for my organization needs me. Rest assured though, our bonds of sister hood will always remain until the day we die. Remember, we are Femmales because"

"WEAREWORTHIT!" They fist pump into the air and squeal. Deidara gracefully hops onto his bird and takes off, his lace parasol glinting in the sun.

"Well my brothers." Naruto started.

"Sisters, Nanachi! We are sisters!" Shin cried and wrapped his- her?- arms around Naruto's neck.

"Oh forget it" He muttered and stuffed a well known sedative plant given to him by Anko-nee for his last birthday into their mouths- their ninja skills were hindered by the tight dresses and parasols while Naruto had unsealed a spare uniform and changed as soon as they reached the tree line. The two drop like rocks and with shadow clones Naruto drags his fallen comrades back.

 **Root base, two days later…**

"Fuu-sensei! You gotta help them!" Naruto begged as he burst into Fuu's office while the man was breaking an inmate. Fuu sighed in annoyance- Naruto was back.

His annoyance turned to intrigued as Sai and Shin, his two least favorite colleuges, were dropped in a heap while dressed like noble women. _And I thought I'd seen it all._

"Yes, Kitsune? What can I do for you?"

"They were brain washed by Loreal!" Naruto panicked. Fuu perked up at this. He'd always wanted to study the reversal process from his rival in mental torture, Fai. And what better way than to reverse engineer it with two new subjects?

"Say no more, I'll fix them for you. Come back in a month." Fuu shooed the boy out and smirked slightly at the brats on the ground. _Fix or kill them mentally- either way this should be fun._

 **Akatsuki base, one week later…**

"Sir, we've reversed the brainwashing but now Deidara-sama seems to be…" An aid pauses and Pein snaps.

"Seems to be what?!"

"A die hard believer in the Will of Fire. He already has Konan-sama and Kisame-sama joining in on his declarations and prayers- it's becoming a cult sir. What should we do?"

"Sigh… Isolate the ones infected. For if Deidara infects Tobi and Itachi with that crap, all is lost." Pein says gravely and leaves to think over his plans.

"WHO ARE WE?!"

"TOBI IS KONOHA NINJA!" A voice is heard and Pein fears for his life.

 **END! MWAHAHAHA. Yes, I know who Tobi really is. I don't know if it's possible, but if the Akatsuki really fell because of Naruto's 'therapy jutsu: will of fire style' I would be okay with it. Haha. Next chapter, Naruto and the Inuzuka madness.**

 **I do have a question for you viewers: do you guys like the silly missions or do you want Naruto to start taking 'serious missions' now? Or perhaps later?**


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19**

 **AN: I have never gotten so many reviews and pm's for one chapter! Wow, thanks for the love! I'm not completely sure what made chapter 18 so popular but I suspect it was the Akatsuki. Do y'all want me to include the red cloud cult some more?**

 **Academy…**

A dark cloud had descended upon Iruka's classroom: their resident ANBU hadn't been in class for a week- Hinata said he was on a really dangerous mission according to her father- and the whole class noticed his absence.

Sasuke loved every second of it. Finally he could brood by himself without those _eyes_ on him. He hadn't had a spasm in six days! Six days of peace, of not looking over his shoulder. While everyone else- even Iruka- sighed in mourning, Sasuke sighed in bliss.

"Never fear, my charges! Rising from the depths of hell, surviving a fate worse than death! It is I, future ANBU commander Kitsune!" A childish voice rang out from everywhere. Sasuke suppressed the urge to crawl under the desk.

Naruto landed on Sasuke's desk, worried. He was gone a long time and he wouldn't forgive himself if the traitor harmed his assignment. "Sasuke? You okay?" Naruto asked as Sasuke turned white as a sheet.

Meanwhile, Sasuke was panicking. _WHY? WHY CAN'T HE BE OBSESSED WITH SOMEONE ELSE- SAKURA OR IRUKA-SENSEI. ANYONE ELSE!_

"Iruka! He's hyperventilating! I must take him to the hospital!" Naruto yelled and swung the older boy over his shoulder. Without a second thought they were off.

 **Meanwhile, Sarutobi's office…**

"Hokage-sama, that poor Uchiha" Flamingo muttered. No self respecting Hyuga would show concern for an Uchiha, but then again no Uchiha had ever before had to survive being the center of Naruto's concern (especially mission Naruto: the boy would do insane things to make a mission successful, the 'calligraphy incident' being a prime example).

"Should we pull Kitsune off of the academy watch job? He knows the curriculum well enough now, Iruka is not a traitor, and the Uchiha can't take much more." Lizard questioned. Boar and Sarutobi snorted.

"And lose this source of midday entertainment? Hell no" Sarutobi said. Lizard sweat dropped a bit before trying again.

"But his hit list! Aren't you worried about him going after the Mascot? Or even being ready for active duty with his mental state?"

"Psh. My dear underlings: having an impossible goal is healthy for a ninja. Sasuke will never be strong enough to kill or even maim Naruto- especially when he take the caffeine pills Boar made him for emergencies- and it's better than him leaving for Itachi. And if he becomes too damaged for duty, I'll just have Inoichi wipe his mind, problem solved" Sarutobi finished with a wave of his hand.

"H-hokage-sama! That's so…ninja like of you" Lizard said reverently. The other ANBU nodded along and started whispering.

"Yeah, tell me about it- he's usually so political."

"More paper pusher than jutsu thrower."

"I guess he was a ninja after all."

"The 'God of Shinobi' is back."

Hiruzen Sarutobi had never felt so betrayed by his men. It was time to show them he wasn't useless like the Haruno clan (AN: Couldn't resist- love Sakura, but couldn't resist) is at everything.

"Cha! ANBU! Gather all forces for a week long camping trip- Shikaku will assign the jonin and chunin to cover and Danzo will act as Hokage- Boar, go grab Kitsune and bring him to me. Everyone: we leave in one hour from the tower!" Sarutobi would teach the youngsters why he was s _till_ feared by Kumo and Iwa.

 **Thirty minutes later…**

"He cannot stay with me" Danzo pounded his cane on the floor. Shin and Sai were still recovering from the brainwashing and he refused to allow the bastard the opportunity to corrupt more of his men.

"Nor I: the Hyuga would not survive" Hiashi said gravely. A week to punish the ANBU would be welcome, but suicide without the Hokage to control him.

"The Aburame are having their yearly insect mourning for the fallen allies during the past twelve months- outsiders are not allowed."

"I understand having Dragon and one other ANBU left behind in the village- especially as he is the Academy guard- but why can't he just stay in HQ?" Inoichi asked. He had never met the ANBU, but they were supposed to be professional.

"Inoichi-sempai…never suggest such a foolish idea again." Ibiki shuddered: he and Anko suggested Naruto stay with one of them, but Dragon shot it down while also refusing to look after him. Something about not allowed to steal other's apprentices.

"The Nara clan….too troublesome to have him based off my son's reports." Shikaku grumbled. The Akimichi were overflowing in lodgings as were the Inuzuka.

"Sigh. Not good." Sarutobi said. Boar stepped forward, a mischevious grin hidden behind his mask.

"Hokage-sama. Why not Iruka? The two know eachother somewhat." Sarutobi thought about it.

"Fine, I'll allow it- as long as you place hidden cameras with enough storage for the week- it will be perfect for comedy night." Everyone but the ANBU and the Hokage face faulted a bit at the admission.

 **One the way to Iruka's…**

"And remember: sleep deprivation for a week will make him putty in your hands" Boar said sagely. He had just given his little brother his next 'mission'. Iruka would survive- unless suicide became preferable to him- so no harm done.

"Yes, nii-san! I will make the traitor confess once and for all."

"Good, Kitsune. I know you will. You make me so proud." Boar patted Naruto on the head.

Iruka took a deep breath when he heard the door bell. _Okay, Iruka. You can do this- a babysitting job that is S-rank pay everyday? Should be easy. You'll finally have enough for that vacation and new house you wanted!_ Game face on Iruka opened the door.

When he sees both ANBU looking _too_ innocent he knows he's screwed.

 **End! I will have the Inuzuka madness next time- this was just too funny to pass up and acted as an interlude. How will the ANBU survive Camping: Hokage style? And will Iruka finally go off the deep end? What about Sasuke? Have a fantastic Wednesday everyone.**


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20**

 **AN: Already twenty chapters? Wow! Well, anyway, Naruto and company will be getting summoning animals soon, and thus open new path ways for hilarity- problem is I can't really think of any animals for them to summon so I turn to you guys! Review or private message me with what ever animals would fit our hero and his pals for the coming battles (not really- more for fun, but still) only rule is: no toads, snakes, slugs, or dragons.**

 **Iruka's apartment, right after ANBU leave…**

Iruka sits at the table, sipping his tea slowly, the apartment quiet. This would usually be the part where he contemplated how peaceful everything was or the meaning of life- not today.

Today, his oddest student of sorts sat across from him, drinking from an identical cup, going _through_ the mask. Minutes tick by, the clock in the corner driving Iruka mad. Finally, he had enough. He had to know.

"Er, Kitsune…." He begins.

"You wonder how I am able to use such a super secret awesome method of masking my face?"

"Um, yes, actually. Come to think of it I've never seen an ANBU lift their mask to eat, except you and even then it was only to the nose." Iruka rubbed his chin. He never questioned it till now but even during the few missions with ANBU members Iruka had not once seen a glimpse of their faces.

"Oh! Boar-nii taught me the trick to eat while with a mask on right before I came here. It's my advanced payment." Naruto said cheerfully. Iruka suddenly felt very cold.

"Oh? Payment for what?" Iruka was nervous, though he didn't know why. It's not Kitsune had ever hurt him or even been in his apartment before- though for some reason he kept getting flashes of Kitsune in his bathroom and kidnapping him- must be the late night ice cream runs.

"To break you mentally" He said with an innocent tilt of his head. Truthfully Naruto was well aware of what he was doing. Iruka blanched and tried to reason with him. Not like Naruto would ever reason with a traitor.

"P-please, there's no need for that! I'm sure Boar was just messing with you, Kitsune."

"Hehehe. Maybe, traitor- I mean Iruka" Naruto corrected his mistake with apathy. Iruka twitched at the fate the Hokage left him too.

"Well anyway, I have papers to grade so be quiet, okay?" Iruka scolded. Naruto simply perched on top of the ceiling, boring his eyes into the back of Iruka's skull.

Hours pass with Iruka marking each paper methodically, attempting to ignore the child taking notes on his every move- it wasn't working. Finally around six it was time for a break.

"Ahh, I think instant ramen for dinner tonight. Want some?" He said, trying to break the ice.

Instead it got frigid in the room as Iruka ate the first bite.

"Y-you MURDERER! YOU EAT FOXES!" Naruto screams and tackles the chunin to the ground. The last thought Iruka had was _Why me? Why'd I have to get the crazy ones?_

Iruka comes to in his bed around midnight, feeling very…refreshed. He couldn't explain it but he had the sudden urge to run around the village till his job at the academy started. The last day felt blurry so he ignored it and stretched briefly.

"Yosh! Time for exercise!" And he was off, sprinting around the village walls for seven hours at a pace that would put Gai to shame.

Arriving at school all his pent up energy was evaporated and he felt himself grow sleepy.

"Perhaps a quick nap- oh, what is this?" On Iruka's desk sat a golden muffin, shining in Konoha's glowing morning light. It beckoned Iruka closer and after reading the note attached,

 _Dear Iruka,_

 _I know you have been working hard, so I will be providing your breakfast, lunch, and dinner for the week. The meals will be left for you either in your home or at your desk._

 _-Third Hokage._

 _Such an amazing boss,_ Iruka thought with tears. He took a bite out of the gift, and found himself unable to stop. By the end of the muffin he was jittier than a squirrel and ready for anything.

"Yosh! Time for class!" He announced from atop his desk to his students who looked a mixture of horrified and comatose. "Don't just sit there- no lectures today! Let us burn through our energy together!" And for the rest of the day the class went through a grueling work out while their formally mild mannered teacher whipped them into shape. No one noticed Naruto taking pictures from different hiding spots around the academy.

 **That night…**

Iruka couldn't close his eyes- he was too pumped! The food the Hokage had delivered on his door step was addicting and amazing. Now Iruka felt even running laps weren't enough.

"I should go climb Hokage mountain- without chakra! Yosh!" And he was off. As he ran through the village he felt he was forgetting about someone who he should be looking after- _probably nothing_ he assured himself. Too bad Iruka didn't see several henged clones keep vigil over him, or bother to look up at home- if he had, he'd have seen Naruto with his note pad, taking his notes.

 **With the ANBU…**

"What's wrong, ladies? Sleepy already? Need a nap?" Sarutobi asked in a false concerned voice. All the ANBU were in a heap on the ground after the 'easy' one hundred mile run after the 'beginner' obstacle course. Sarutobi had led them to the 'cliffs of despair' for training, and the wind howled ominously.

"Hokage-sama, a rest would be nice" a foolish young member said. Curses could be heard among the ranks.

"Oh? A day without rest would be nice? Very well then, up! Time for survival training." He smiled benevolently, but it promised pain when he summoned Enma and said "Enma, these ANBU have asked specifically for your extra training- would you indulge them?" Enma smiled evily.

"Why of course, old friend. The Will of Fire burns brightly in them- I shall not disappoint."

 _Is defection justified here_ was the general consensus amongst the victims. The only exception was Inu, Boar, and Tiger. Those three were lounging with magazines on a cliff top.

"Think they'll realize we're just Tenzo's clones?" Boar asked idly as he flipped through a 'Dating weekly'. Kakashi scoffed.

"As if: wood clones are durable, and it's not like Hokage-sama will be sparing with everyone, and he wouldn't waste Enma on something like this" Kakashi assured them.

"Brilliant as always Sempai" Tenzo drawled, architecture book in hand. The Mascot wanted a tree house for his little group to meet, and Tenzo was secretly determined to make it so grand that he took back first place- he may get along with his fellow brothers, but Kitsune's adoration was fair game.

"Oh ho ho. What do we have here? Three volunteers to go first?" The monkey king said from behind, holding the destroyed wood clones, smirk on his face.

 **Meanwhile…**

"ALL HAIL THE WILL OF FIRE" A certain blonde Akatsuki bangs a gavel on a desk. Nodding once the small group of loyalists Deidara looks with pity at the captured non believers. "My brethren, today we gather to show the light to our comrades still in darkness" here he wipes a tear away.

"Tobi is a Konoha ninja!" Tobi shouts happily, and the cult members nod in agreement.

"Yes, Tobi, everyone is a Konoha ninja- for that is the birth place of THE WILL OF FIRE!" He shouts. Konan and Kisame cheer. "Now let us hear the testimonies." Kisame steps forward. Hidan, Kakuzu, and Sasori (the only ones too slow to escape from capture and indoctrination- I mean initiation) twitched as Kisame steps forward with a Konoha head band in his hand.

"My fellow members- I too, used to be a doubter. I used to find murder a great pastime and world domination through the tailed beasts to be okay- but then, Priest Deidara showed me the light." Here he paused to dab at his eyes. "I have seen the light- completing missions in the name of the Will of Fire, protecting comrades, and screaming your ninja way is true happiness. For though we walked through the valley of the shadow of doubt, the Fire that protects the Great Tree's leaves guides us through the darkness and into salvation."

"Amen" Konan, Deidara, and Tobi intone.

"WHO ARE WE?!"

"KONOHA NINJA!"

"WHAT DO WE DO?!"

"TRIUMPH!"

"MY FELLOWS! WHY DO WE FIGHT!"

"FOR THE GREAT TREE!"

"WHO DO WE SERVE!"

"THE GREAT TREE!"

"HOW DO WE WIN!"

"WITH GUTS!"

"AND?"

"DETERMINATION!" the call and response continues for hours, and before long, Sasori joins in.

"I see the light! My life was meaningless before but now- now I am whole" Sasori cries and accepts a Konoha headband, burning his old Suna one to a crisp. Hidan tosses his sythe away.

"I too have seen the true way! No more shall I follow the false temptress of Jashin, but instead strive to please the Will of Fire's tree! Let us renew our image, Kakuzu, and spread the true way across the land!" Hidan ripped his old head band off and blessed his new one before putting it around his neck.

"I'm surrounded by lunatics" Kakuzu muttered. He wouldn't give in- he was too intelligent to fall for it. No. Kakuzu was strong! He didn't follow anything but money.

"Now let us offer up our praise to the Will's high priest- Nanachi Kitsune!" And a wall sized poster unfurls to show the tiny ANBU giving a thumbs up in his mask. As one the believers bow in thanks.

Pein slouched in his chair. If 'Tobi' had truly fallen to the cult, hope looked dim. He kept hearing the shouts from down the hall, and Zetsu looked lost.

"Leader-sama, **what should we do?** Tobi serves Konoha now. **It's all Nanachi's fault** that's not fair! **That brat started this."** They argued unintelligibly. Pein's eyes sharpened.

"Nanachi, eh? Then I will find this Nanachi and kill them, destroying this cult at the Roots."

"It was a boy a **nd he changed into a Kitsune ANBU outfit.** Deidara and the others found the picture we captured **and are now worshipping it."** Zetsu said. Pein smirked.

"An ANBU? Excellent. A truly formidable foe then, and when he falls the whole world will know pain." He cackled to himself, pleased with his plans. Meanwhile Zetsu was having an internal debate: if Tobi, the true leader, believed this ANBU was a high priest and savior, should he really be helping this puppet leader kill him?

Meanwhile, Itachi was hiding in the rafters, watching the events play out, and smirked.

"Hn. Good work, my kohai. At this rate I'll be home for Sasuke's graduation." Itachi whispered in happiness. If the Akatsuki disbanded, or better yet became a world peace organization, Itachi could go home and the Hokage would pin the blame of the massacre on Orochimaru or some other traitor (AN: why exactly didn't this happen originally in cannon? I was thinking about this last night and figured: heck, let's role with it. It's my AU, after all.). "All I have to do is keep leaving Konoha head bands and the code of conduct and philosophy book and the pack mentality will take care of the rest."

 **Hokage office, one week later…**

Danzo shoved the hat back in Sarutobi's hands.

"I'll let _you_ deal with him." He muttered and escaped through the window. Sarutobi and the bloody and dirty looking ANBU turned to a dusty corner to see Naruto tied up and covered in dog slobber. On the desk was a request for 'agent Kitsune' to be executed, banished, sold to Iwa, or forced into D-ranks for a year, all from the Inuzuka clan.

"What was it this time, Naruto?" Sarutobi sighed, not really wanting to hear the answer if it made _Danzo_ run.

"Hehe. Well, it all started on day three when the traitor started having side effects"

"TO WHAT?" Sarutobi interrupted.

"To Boar-nii's sleep deprivation medicine. Anyway, I came to Danzo-jiji but he looked tired from all the Hokage duties so I thought 'why not give him some energy too?' And that's when everything went kablooy…"

 **End! Next chapter: The flashback! I hope this chapter brought some grins- I was going to do the flashback and a scene with Shin and Sai, but didn't want to make it too long or keep you guys waiting till tomorrow or Saturday for me to post. Anyway, I pray your day is filled with happiness and fun!**


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21**

 **AN: Another chapter, this one primarily a flashback chapter. Enjoy, I got a day off today and the weather isn't great today so I decided to write- which is why Academy to ANBU got finished and was updated today as well.**

 **SHOUT OUT: One of my favorite reviewers and readers, eniox27, gave me this idea for Kiba- thank him/her for this.**

 **Flashback, day three of Danzo's reign…**

Danzo spat at his rival's picture- the jerk went on a bonding trip with his ANBU, leaving Root and Danzo to keep the village together. Sarutobi assured him it was just a coincidence the treaty with Suna needed a final draft by Friday-all one hundred pages- but Danzo knew: Sarutobi was lazy and wanted to avoid thinking about it, and thusfound an excuse to pass the hat off to him.

"That monkey." He growled as he looked at a useless tax report while a clone stamped mission records. At least it was quiet, he mused.

"Danzo-jiji! Save me!" the bane of his existence barged in. Danzo suppressed a shudder. He was sure Sarutobi had pawned him off to the chunin.

"Yes, Kitsune? What do you need?" Danzo asked plaintively.

"Oh, uh, well…I sortakindadruggedIrukawithinsomneadrugsandnowhethinkshe'sapuppy." Naruto blurted out. Danzo blinked. Then shook his head.

"Try again. Because I know you didn't just say you drugged a chunin teacher with something that makes him unable to sleep and now he's broken mentally and regressed to being a dog." Naruto chuckled nervously and Danzo groaned. He would have to kidnap the chunin and the subject a Root agent to cover, and then have Fuu fix said chunin. Unless…

"Say, Kitsune. The Inuzuka would be perfect to fix this- they do work with dogs, after all." Oh yes. Naruto would take his temporary pet to the dog clan, where the laws of the universe would bend to the blonde's craziness, and thus create mountains of paperwork not even clones could counter.

And Danzo would leave it all for Sarutobi. After all, he had no authority over ANBU, after all, and his powers as interment Hokage didn't extend to punishing shinobi. By the end of the week, his rival would learn not to shirk his duties and the bane of his existence would be given some suitable punishment- Camp Danzo was still weeks away, and Danzo didn't feel vindicated enough.

"Great idea, Danzo-jiji! I'll go get the traitor from Dragon's office and find Kiba!" And he bounded off, leaving a smirking Danzo. Even better, the old warhawk would have vengeance on the ANBU commander who cleaned him out the last poker night.

 **Dragon's office…**

Dragon was not a man easily scared- he lived through the third shinobi war, completed hundreds of S-rank missions, and- most impressively- survived after swiping Kushina's ramen _twice,_ which was two times more than many others.

But somehow, his ten year old slave/apprentice proved on more than one occasion the ability to drive him bonkers.

Walking into his office after a coffee break to see one Iruka Umino- one of the few non-ANBU who were aware of Naruto's identity- frothing at the mouth with paper sticking out of his cheeks, tied to his chair, finally did it.

"I saw nothing I know nothing" He said dryly. Draining his cup, he tosses the cup into the trash and grabs his wallet. "I believe Ibiki-teme would appreciate another poker match" Dragon muttered to himself. Vowing to never speak of what he just saw, Dragon abandoned the poor chunin in his office, vowing to give Naruto a particularly nasty mission later.

 **Inuzuka compound…**

Naruto dragged a struggling Iruka down the street without a care in the world.

"Make way, for the friendly neighborhood ANBU and his pet!" Naruto called cheerfully to the passerby. Ringing the doorbell Naruto bounced on his feet. A startled Kiba shows up with a dubious look.

"Kitsune, why is Sensei on a leash…and acting like a dog?" Naruto rubbed the back of his hood sheepishly.

"He, uh, had an accident! And now your teacher believes he is a beast. I need him coherent for interrogation later so can you fix him?" Naruto begged, activating the masked version of puppy dog eyes. Kiba falters, and Akamaru tries to snap his master out of it. Naruto, seeing this, adds Shin's super secret ingredient: bribery. "Help me out, and I'll give you some explosive tags" Naruto said, playing every boy's love of explosions and mayhem. It worked.

"Deal" Kiba said immediately. Pulling on Iruka's leash he yanks the two inside. "We'll hide him in the kennels- I'm in charge of them for the week! Though, how are we gonna cover him at the academy?"

Naruto thought for a moment.

"Oh! I'll just let Mizuki-sensei know- he always helps out."

 **Next day…**

When Mizuki was told by a whispering Kitsune- the densest ANBU he'd ever met- that the man the ANBU thought was a "spy or traitor in disguise", his 'friend' Iruka, was tied up in the Inuzuka kennel going through withdrawals from anti-sleep drugs and currently fancied himself a mutt, he did the only appropriate thing.

"Sure, I'll lie that he's sick and cover for him." Mizuki said with a smile. After all, he was the actual spy, but helping ANBU deal with his annoyance would take suspicion off of him.

 **Next Morning…**

Tsume Inuzuka quietly crept towards the kennels, going to check on her pup's work. She trusted him- he was ten and very responsible, if a bit obnoxious- but there was no way in hell the Inuzuka matriarch would not confirm that the dogs were taken care of properly. Opening the supply closet to grab the clip board, she comes across a sight she never thought she'd see.

An ANBU- the short one Hiashi complained about, she realized- and her son's academy teacher, were asleep… and Iruka was curled up like her ninkin while the ANBU snored on a high shelf.

"KIBA INUZUKA! GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE, BOY AND EXPLAIN WHY I HAVE A MISSING CHUNIN AND AN ANBU IN MY KENNEL" Tsume Inuzuka screams up the stairs, and a petrified Kiba barrels down the stairs, falling on his knees.

"I'm sorry, okay! But Kitsune needed help with Iruka-sensei after he started acting like a dog and he gave me explosive tags for it and then we stuffed him in the closet to let him sleep off the medicine." The boy hyperventilated at the end, his mother's glare growing stronger.

"And _how_ would you have helped that man 'become human' again if he was acting like a dog?" Tsume growled, not knowing who she should be angrier at- Kiba for his guallableness, ANBU for his using explosive tags as bribery, or the Hokage for not being around to keep a leash on the brat- everyone knew the youngest ANBU was Sarutobi's pet project.

"W-well… we didn't think that far ahead- but Iruka-sensei should be waking up soon." Kiba chuckled nervously. Tsume has Hana summon Danzo- the poor soul stuck with the hat- and drags Kiba to the kennel to wake up their 'guests'.

Naruto was having a wonderful dream- Dragon retired, Naruto became commander, and he made foxes official ANBU pets. That dream was broken when a clawed hand yanks him off the cozy shelf he found last night.

"Get up, you lazy brat. The interim Hokage will be here soon and YOU will be the one to explain." Naruto blinked blearily, wondering what was going on but fearing for his life.

 **Later…**

Turns out Danzo wasn't a morning person. He had Fuu take bring a note that stated

 _Do what you will with the bastard. Just keep him alive and don't reveal his identity._

Danzo Shimura.

As such, Fuu dragged Iruka away for studying…and therapy, of course. Naruto and Kiba were tied to heavy rocks and told "clean the kennels till I say stop" and left to suffer.

"Kiba" Naruto whispered later.

"Yeah, Kitsune?" Kiba answered back, attempting to sweep the floors with a tooth brush while Akamaru whined in the corner.

"Inu-sempai showed me another wind jutsu a month ago"

"So what?"

"So, if we open the doors, I can use it to clean the dust out! I read a book a while back about a wolf that did something similar- it should work." Naruto grinned beneath his mask, and Kiba grinned back. It was a good idea, he reasoned. And it's not like Kitsune could blow the kennel down, right? Famous last words.

"Do it."

Naruto saw how dusty the place was and decided half his chakra should be enough. Nah, all his chakra to get out the rough spots. He wove through hand seals. "Wind style: Great Breakthrough!" And thus, the multimillion Ryo kennel roof and western wall was blasted away.

"Oops… I guess I overdid it?" Naruto chuckled nervously at the sight, and the various dogs previously contained found themselves free.

"Nice doggies" Kiba begged, as the horde of various breeds eyed the Inuzuka gates. The animals eyed the two weak children blocking their path, looked at each other, and charged.

 **Back with the Hokage, present…**

Sarutobi palmed his face as Naruto finished the story of how he and the Inuzuka boy successfully rounded up all fifty dogs, but not before they over ran the main street and wrecked havoc. The Fire Daimyo's wife was traumatized when her 'innocent kitten' was frightened away from her. _If the cat had actually died, I could forgive this, but not only did the brat almost drive Iruka off the deep end permanently- thank God for mind wipes- but also cost us millions in repair!_

"Well, Naruto, let us discuss your punishment." He felt a smirk blossoming at his youngest ANBU's sudden fascination with the floor. Despite everything it was a beautiful week- first he got to torture his elite in the name of training and payback, bug Danzo by putting him in charge during a treaty revising, and now he could punish the Mascot. And he had the perfect payback. "I have a mission for you, one of grave importance."

 **End- next chapter- next chapter: a mission with Sai and Shin and…Hiashi? How will the clan head survive? And what could the mission be? After that, I might do the summoning contracts in the same chapter, it depends. I am trying to include characters throughout the story, is there any ideas or characters you want fleshed out? (My plan is to do an Inuzuka kennel part two- but it requires some characters that haven't been introduced yet- I wonder how Tsume will react to take two). Have a nice Friday.**


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter 22**

 **AN: Yo everyone! Had a great weekend- lots of spending time with family and I even almost won a game of dominos against my dad! (Random, I know, but I never win against him on anything but Mario kart- not even chance games. It's frustrating so coming close was like Naruto's equivlant of proving Iruka is a traitor lol).**

 **Next Day (AN: Hiashi's mission has been moved back, as after writing the current chapter for ATA, This mission came to mind-too beautiful to mess with)**

"Sempai! Sai! You're all better" Naruto cheered, meeting the two at the East gate. He missed his two best friends, more than most would say was healthy. Sai looked normal, but Shin…

"Greetings, Priest kohai! We shall forge a new peace for the world together, and fight for the Great Tree, for that is our Will of Fire!" Shin was enthusiastic. Fuu had managed to deprogram the femmale brainwashing, but found Naruto's 'Will of Fire' programming to be impervious to normal methods of extraction. Fuu was able to tone it down, but Shin still had random bouts of passion, and Sai would occasionally say "My ninja way" and "Will of Fire" at moments of solitude or defeat. It was rather vexing for the prodigious mind walker.

"Uh, yeah Sempai. What's with the speech?" Naruto was confused- why was Shin shouting like a maniac?

"Priest Kohai! Surely you jest- for it is you that showed me the way, the truth, and the light! For we live under the shadow of the Great Tree, and ask our selves, 'what are we' and then answer 'KONOHA NINJA!' You must remember the fire you sparked in us!" Shin pulled out his "Will of Fire" pin that a raven had started distributing, and pinned it to his ANBU cloak, as did Sai. Naruto chuckled nervously, wondering what horror he unleashed, when Kakashi dropped down.

"Yo, little brother" He greeted. Naruto hugged the man- he hadn't seen him since he returned from the camping trip.

"Inu-nii! Are you our fourth member?" Naruto looked up hopefully.

"No, unfortunately not. In fact, your squad leader is none other than that green beast I told you about in our bed time stories." Naruto gasped, and Kakashi nodded. "Yes, indeed. This is grave. Your mission is to help him take care of some crime lord in Wave. I have a side mission for you three- an S-rank one. If you succeed little brother, I will let you each summon dogs." Kakashi smirked at Naruto's awed expression. _That's it, little brother, and to a lesser extent your friends. You will MY mini me's, not Tenzo-baka's or Dragon-teme's or even Boar-baka. They will all bow down to the power of DOG SUMMONS!_ He cackled for a moment before continuing. "Since by your expression (on the mask, of course) says yes, here is what you must do…"

Might Guy (or is it Gai? I see both, honestly) appeared in a whirlwind of dust and leaves, striking a 'nice guy' pose. The three ANBU sweat dropped at the scene, but quickly became horrified when they realized that not only was the man wearing a _skin tight_ green jump suit, but also had living eyebrows.

"YOSH! GREETINGS, MY YOUNG COMRADES! Let us bask in our YOUTH together and complete this mission through the SPRINGTIME OF YOUTH!" Sai and Shin ignored him, as were their orders. Naruto tilted his head up lazily.

"I'm sorry, did you say something, Guy-taicho?" He drawled. Then, as one, the three pull out books in a familiar shade of orange. Guy gaped, and sputtered.

"M-m-my rival has three disciples in the 'hip and cool' movement while I have the beginnings of one? How old are you?" He asked in a serious voice.

"Ten"

"Ten"

"Twelve-ish. Don't really know" Shin said bored. Guy rubbed his chin, then grinned.

"ON THIS YOUTHFUL MISSION TO BRING AN UN-YOUTHFUL MAN TO JUSTICE I SHALL TURN YOU THREE AWAY FROM THE DISGRACE OF UNYOUTH AND TOWARDS THE SPRINGTIME OF YOUTH! IF I DON'T I WILL RUN AROUND KONOHA FIVE HUNDRED TIMES ON MY HANDS! AND IF I CANNOT DO THAT I WILL CLIMB HOKAGE MOUNTAIN WITH MY TEETH! AND IF I CANNOT DO THAT" He rambled on, only to realize his three subordinates had already started lazily walking forward without him. "CURSE YOUR HIPNESS KAKASHI!"

Up in a tree Kakashi, Tenzo, and Boar (AN: I will reveal him…one day) were snickering, Kakashi reading his book.

"Sempai, that was perfect" Boar said between gasps of air. Tenzo nodded.

"Indeed, but I have to ask: you didn't really give them 'Icha Icha' right?" Kakashi looked up.

"Of course not. Our mascot is far too innocent and I fear for Konoha if Shin ever discovers Jiraiya-sama's habits."

"Then…what did you give them?" Boar asked. Kakashi eye smiled.

"Just a little something."

"Sigh, fine. Is anyone else pissed that Kitsune won't be doing his first assassination with us?" Tenzo asked.

"AYE" Was the reply of not only the three, but also every ANBU in the area. It wasn't fair, they cried- Guy didn't deserve to teach their kohai how to slide the knife across the throat just right or plan the getaway. No, Guy would ruin the special moment, they were sure.

 **Road to Wave…**

Naruto, Shin, and Sai were engrossed in their respective books. Naruto was reading a book on pranks, Sai one the proper way to smile, and Shin…actually Shin was indeed reading 'Icha Icha,' not that his brother or Kohai needed to know. No, they weren't as world wise yet.

"Yosh- we will be travelling as a genin team. I am aware of your identity, Naruto, no need to fear. You may change in the bushes." Guy said, surprisingly calm. The three shrug, and Naruto seals their masks and cloaks away, revealing them all wearing standard Root uniforms, Naruto borrowing Sai's extra.

"Call me Nanachi" Naruto says, using his now formal code name, his hair already dyed brown.

Guy looks at them, and then face faults. Their head bands had an eye covered and they wore face masks. "NO! You should wear these" he pulls out the green spandex "and I will show you the power of YOUTH!" Shin bores a lazy eye into Guy.

"You say something?"

"ARG! CURSE YOU KAKASHI!"

 **Gato's lair…**

"Stupid Kaiza, escaping to Konoha before I could kill him. Reports show a genin team- can you handle them?" Gato asks from behind a too large desk. Kaiza, the leader of the resistence against him, had managed to run to Konoha, escaping execution and was waiting back there while Konoha sent someone to 'deal' with him under the guise of a trade alliance. The chunin who tipped him off cost thousands, and warned of a famous jonin coming for him. No matter, he hired Zabuza Momichi and his vicious little apprentice, there wasn't a chance that three children a single jonin would survive.

"Don't worry about it; the agreement is I keep the bounty and your payment?"

"As long as they die, I don't care." Gato growled. Missing ninja were always so jittery.

"Excellent."

 **Wave country…**

Getting off the boat the four trekked carefully. Their orders were to find Gato, kill him, and set up a trade treaty with the Daimyo. A bunny rabbit jumps out of the bushes and Shin scewers it with a kunai. A giant sword swoops down and team SHL duck while Guy jumps back.

As one they look up to see the famous missing-nin, Zabuza Momichi.

"Impressive, you dodged well. Might Guy- Green beast of Konoha. You'll make me a lot of money. Though I do wonder why you let three brats read that smut."

As one the 'three brats' put their books away and put their hands on their head bands.

"You'll find us worthy adversaries" Sai says in a monotone. "Will of Fire" he adds subconsciously.

"We're students of a famous ninja"

"A man feared throughout the world"

"Kakashi Hatake!" They shout together and lift up their head bands to reveal…

The Sharingon?  
"W-what the hell, brats?!" Zabuza sputtered.

"My youthful students?!"

 **End- this is a two, maybe three parter! Know that the Wave arc will not end in death of Zabuza and Haku- too dark for this fic. How will it end? Find out soon! Anyway, I hope this chapter was enjoyable as always, and that you laughed somewhat. Have a great evening!**


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter 23**

 **AN: Glad everyone liked the cliff hanger. For those that don't know, I got the idea from "Rock Lee and His Ninja Pals"- it's a spin off anime. Watch it and prepare for sore sides due to excessive laughing.**

 **Also, I read a really good Fanfic recently, called "Sightless Eyes" by MisteryMaiden. Check it out- I had a good laugh throughout. But, it got me on a 'blind Naruto' kick- anyone have a favorite in this genre they recommend?**

 **With the chibi Kakashi gang…**

"We are three young geniuses in training" Shin starts off, starting the pyramid formation.

"We protect the world from devastation" Naruto adds.

"And cause havoc in other nations" Sai chimes in with a drawl.

"To denounce the evils of Youth and Spring" Shin shudders.

"To spread the truth of Kakashi-nii!" Naruto jumps up with a thumbs up.

"Shin"

"Sai"

"Surrender now or prepare to lazily fight"

"Nanachi, that's right!" And with that the three heathens draw out blades, ready for anything.

Guy, for once, is speechless.

Zabuza is agape.

Haku, in the trees however, is seething. How dare that Shin-brat kill Savage Bunny?! He named the bunny after a witnessing an ANBU agent slicing through a horde of enemies, before loudly proclaiming his code name as 'Rabid Bunny Slippers'. Haku had stars in his eyes from then on, and vowed to train his cute little ball of fluff into something even deadlier than that ANBU agent. Now, however, that would never happen.

"Brats… bravo, bravo" Zabuza clapped. Never before had an entrance been so moving, so heartfelt. And with the Sharingon in them they were deadly. "Too bad I have to kill you… unless, want to join team Zabuza and help fight Yagura?" Zabuza asked hopefully. He felt Haku's chilly killing intent above him, but figured having more allies would make it worth it.

"Sorry, but I'm under contract till "I'm older than dirt"" Naruto said sadly. "But, why not join Konoha!" Naruto adds.

"Hahaha- no. Pansy tree lovers with your "Will of Fire" crap-no thanks" Zabuza now had three sources of killing intent- Sai and Shin joined in on Haku's, and he felt oddly terrified.

"Kohai- do you have that special 'food' pill?" Shin asked, looking over to Naruto. Naruto nods happily. "Eat it."

"My youthful students- has Kakashi taught you how to use those eyes?"

"Hell no" Shin said.

"They aren't real- just really cool transplants"

"Now everyone can have the blessed eyes!" Naruto cheered. Zabuza growled at being duped and actually believing they were real. Then again, the one that acted part energizer bunny had his spinning like a real one.

"Prepare to die then, brats"

"YOSH! I AM YOUR OPPONENT, YOU UNYOUTHFUL MAN" And Guy opens three gates to prepare.

"Not a chance, Guy-s _ensei"_ Shin sighs and Sai uses an ink snake to inject a paralyzing poison into the man's neck. Guy protests, until Naruto creates an almost sonic boom darting in front of them, eyes crazy.

"PLAY! LET'S PLAY! WILL OF FIRE DEMANDS PLAY!" He screams gleefully. And for the first time since he was three, Zabuza Momichi was terrified.

Ten minutes later a broken and bloody Zabuza and Haku- who Sai had found in the trees and incapacitated- were tied up in front of a still jumpy Naruto.

"Ha! The Power of YOUTH has permitted these three to VICTORY!" Guy boasted as feeling came back. Shin snorted at this.

"Kohai- lead the mantra for the unbelievers" He ordered. Naruto, not really understanding why Shin called them 'unbelievers' like they were a cult, complied.

"For we walk by the shade of the Great Tree. It asks us: WHO ARE WE?!"

"KONOHA NINJA!" Shin, Sai, and Zabuza shout, Guy joining in on the last phrase. Haku spits defiantly.

"DO WE GIVE UP?"

"NO!"

"Abandoning comrades are for worse than scum: TELL ME: ARE WE SCUM?!"

"NO!"

"WHO ARE WE?"

"KONOHA NINJA"

"AND WHAT DO WE DO?"  
"TRIUMPH!"

"Because that is"

"OUR WILL OF FIRE!" They finished together. Guy ripped off his green spandex to reveal the standard jonin uniform (because why not), and wept.

"Great Priest: you have led me to the light from the darkness of the false god of youth! Teach me more!" Guy bowed down. Zabuza ripped off his Kiri headband, accepting the new Konoha one from a smirking Shin.

"I was lost, but now I am found; was blind, but the fire illuminated my path." He had tears running down his face.

"Oh get off of it" Haku muttered. Everyone gasped and turned to the bitter boy. "There is no Will of Fire- and stop crying Zabuza-sama! Remember your dreams? We're supposed to destroy Yagura and free Kiri with you as the Mizukage!" Haku by this point was shouting hysterically. Shin interrupted any replies.

"And you still can- go, young disciples! Spread the Will of Fire across the land, making friends from enemies and triumphing over adversity through motivating speeches!" Guy wept in joy at the display. Naruto jumped up and down.

"Do not fear, High Priest! We will spread your word through the lands, and bring everyone under the Will of Fire! Let us go Haku; Gato is the opposite of the Will of Fire. Taking him out will only solidify our conviction!" He got up, dusted himself off, and dragged the masked boy off. Haku removed his mask and gave a final glare.

"I will kill you one day Shin for your crimes! To think you and that strange masked ANBU come from the same village!"

The four Konoha ninja look at one another for a few moments. Naruto keeps jumping before falling asleep mid air, landing on Guy's shoulder.

"So… do we leave?" Sai asked uncertainly.

"We still have a treaty to deliver my…Feiry students!"

"Let a hawk carry it" Shin suggested. With that, the two awake members of the temporary mini Kakashi squad flip out their books and make the slow trek back towards Konoha.

 **Konoha…**

"So let me get this straight: you had Naruto defeat an A-rank missing-ninja, tied him up and his apprentice, converted them to Konoha, and then set them free to kill Gato before fighting under our name in Kiri?" Sarutobi sighed after hearing the unbelievable tale from the three boys.

"And showed me the errors of my ways, Hokage-sama!" Guy chirped. Oh yes. The three made Guy somewhat normal, even if he did seem to think Naruto was some sort of High Priest. _And to think Hashirama-sensei just made that phrase up for advertisement to attract clans in before the founding. Well, if it gets us allies and Guy almost sane, I can work with it._

"Ah, of course. I am pleased you saw 'the light' as you say. Naruto, Sai, Shin, I believe Kakashi has something for you three" Said man jumped down from the rafters, as does Tenzo and Boar.

"Inu-nii! Tiger-nii! Boar-nii!"

"Hey mascot…and retainers of mascot? What are your purposes?" Boar asks the two Root agents. Everyone pauses for a moment. Finally, Sai sums it up.

"To add comedic relief" The room accepts this answer.

"Moving on! Time to summon" Kakashi goes through hand signs with a bit of blood, a pug appearing with a summoning contract.

"Boars"

"Turtles"

"No, Dogs"

"Monkeys" Sarutobi gives his two cents.

"Cough. My cough catfish summons are looking for cough new signers" The sickly new member, Catfish, says (AN: Those who know who it is gets a cookie).

While the bickering went by, Naruto had seen the hand signs and blood oath. Figuring he'd be able to summon the dogs too, as no one explained summoning beforehand, he looks at his friends.

"Let's try it!" He says.

"I don't think"

"Quit being such a spoil sport. Okay team, together" And they all complete the ritual.

"Summoning jutsu" was the unanimous shout and three puffs later, Konoha's wackiest squad were gone.

"Crap."

"What now?"

"Ask a summons?" Was Flamingo's suggestion, the Hyuga being one of the few not with a summons yet.

"SUMMONING JUTSU!" Ten shinobi shouted, calling forth their own magical allies for advice.

Meanwhile, three young black ops agents find themselves in different realms, each blinking back their shock.

"This isn't good" was their opinion, even while so far away from one another.

 **End! How did you guys like this? The intro came to me after vacuuming and I had to use it. And don't worry, Guy's YOUTH has a back up plan for later. Asking for a quick opinion: should I add some scenes from here on out of Zabuza's and Haku's pilgrimage? Have a great day!**


	24. Chapter 24

**Chapter 24**

 **AN: Happy Wednesday everyone! Here's another chapter to brighten your days. Shout out to KingofSarutobi and TubFullofDishes345 for their help in picking out the perfect summonings for our favorite team. Thanks to everyone else who gave recommendations as well, I took them all into consideration, I promise. Anyway, enjoy the story and as always any recommendations, tips, or ideas are welcome!**

 **With Naruto…**

"You- pathetic human gaping like a fish: who are you and what are you doing here?" Naruto blinked at the creature it front of him. Based on lessons with Boar-nii and Mouse-sempai, he knew it was an ostrich. But, as far as he knew, ostriches didn't talk.

"I- I used the summoning jutsu and came here…wait! Are you a dog summons in disguise?!" It seemed logical to Naruto: he had thought about summoning dogs, and now here he was talking to an obvious summons- maybe it was a new breed of dogs.

The ostrich was not amused and screeched at him.

"No you idiot! I am Condor, the gentleman ninja ostrich- bow before my greatness." And the ostrich puffed out his chest in pride as his bow tie shined in the sun. Looking around Naruto could see they were in a sort of forest, with hundreds of other ostriches mulling around too. With a shrug, Naruto gave a bow.

"Nice to meet you! I'm Naruto, and I'm here to summon you!"

All the ostriches around stared in shock: they haven't had a summoner before: they had just gotten a license to become a summoning clan from the high council last decade.

"If you wish to be an ostrich summoner, you must first pass our test." Condor finally managed. The boy in front of him looked like a blonde buffoon, and had a stupid Kitsune mask stuck to his belt. Overall, Condor was not impressed as this was obviously a foolish boy- not the hero they wanted to represent them!

"What do I have to do? Because no matter what, as future ANBU commander, I will not fail!"

"To sign our contract you must…defeat an S-rank ninja!" There, Condor realized. This way the brat would die, and thus never bug them again!

"Hmph! Aright, I'll do it. Where's the nearest S-ranker?"

"Hehe… well there's a whole bunch of them in Ame right now, about a day's hike from here." Condor said. Naruto nodded and unsealed his ANBU cloak, becoming Kitsune again.

"See ya soon, Condor! I, Kitsune, will defeat at least one S-rank ninja!"

And with that, the ANBU left in the direction all the ostriches pointed, unaware that in doing so he was walking straight into the Akatsuki's arms.

 **Day later, Pein's office…**

Pein banged his head against his desk, the real him in his dark room doing the same thing. The only ones not brainwashed by this point were Itachi, Zetsu to an extent, and himself. Everyone else had fallen the blasted 'Will of Fire', worshiping 'High Priest Kitsune'. _Blasted! If only I could get my hands on him!_

Some divine being was smiling down on Pein that day, as shouting alerted him to the common room. With a sigh the Akatsuki's leader- as Tobi had completely fallen at this point- walked over to see what crazy ritual they were going on about now.

"Wow, I'm happy you guys like the Will of Fire, but why does everyone keep calling me 'High Priest'?" A childish voice rang out through the door. Pein felt his world stopping. Had the heavens smiled upon him? Was his arch nemesis really behind that door? Barging in he sees his former minions crowded around a pedestal, the Kitsune ANBU standing on it and talking to them.

"Don't be modest! Without your wisdom we would all still be walking in darkness as thieves and murderers!" Konan gushed. She held out an origami rose towards the pedestal, and the snake took it! Seeing red Pein bellowed out.

"STOP! He a false prophet; the world must know pain to know peace! Not wallow in this crap ideology!" Too bad for Pein, it caused all his ex subordinates to turn their icy glares on him. "I am a GOD! Bow before me, not him!" Deidara stepped foreward.

"Peace, my fellow disciples. Let us not despise this unfortunate soul, but pity him. I, just a voice crying in the wilderness, could not sway him from his treacherous ways! But now- now we have the messiah of Fire among us, let us capture our old leader and help Kitsune to teach the heathen!" With a war cry Pein was on the run, dragging Zetsu with him. In the rafters Itachi chuckled in anticipation.

"Just a little longer. When this is over, I'll really have to thank Kitsune- maybe he'd like to learn the exploding shadow clone?"

 **Same time, With Shin…**

Shin was on the run: yesterday he ended up with the chicken summons, and stupidly made the comment how chickens were useless. After that one chicken challenged him to a duel. When the Root agent drew first blood with his tanto, the chicken let out a war cry, calling the who coop!

Now he was trying to survive a horde of chickens, some of them as large as the toad boss Gamabunta.

"Why is it always me?!" He wailed, dodging another dive bomb.

"Brethren! On my mark! Fire style: Fire ball jutsu!" And at least thirty large flames came crashing towards Shin.

"Oh come on!" Shin screamed.

 **With Sai…**

"This is lovely tea, Sora-sama." Sai complimented. He sipped politely, across from the mountainous great owl, classical music in the background. The two sat in companiable silence for hours before now.

"I thank you, young Sai. Your logic and morals show the true way of the owls."

"Thank you, Sora-sama" Sai gave a practiced smile. The piano concerto crescendos, bringing peace between the two.

 **Three days later…**

The Hokage was having a meeting between Enma, himself, and other summons.

"No word on which one they ended up in?"

"This is troublesome."

They had been arguing for almost four days. The spot the three disappeared from was a reminder of the loss.

*PUFF* was heard three times, and the missing boys appeared.

"Never fear! Future ANBU Commander here, back from Ostrichville!" Naruto gave a victory pose atop an irate looking ostrich in a bow tie.

"Brat- get off me!" Naruto ignored him and looked at his friends. Sai was calmly bowing to an oversized owl.

"I thank you Tsubaki. I will call on you when I have need."

Shin looked half dead: scorch marks, torn clothes, and broken mask. His eyes were crazed and the chicken he rode on was clucking in amusement.

"T-thank you f-f-for your help." Shin managed and collapsed on the floor.

"Oh, if it isn't Chicken-teme and stick up your ass Owl?" Condor said with disdain.

"Hmph, you two managed to get summoners? They don't hold a candle to MY summoner, Shin. He lasted four days against the clan!"

"That is nothing- Sai here completed our logic test in record time. He will beat your two brats everytime."

"HAH! You both lose! I, Condor, have here a summoner who beat an S-class ninja, making him admit defeat!" Condor boasted. The three continued bickering as they left for home.

"Why am I not surprised?" Sarutobi managed.

"Hehe. This guy named Nagato or Pein- he had two names- begged for mercy when Deidara and I blew up his army!" Naruto said. At the flabbergasted looks, Naruto decided to elaborate.

"It all started when a bunch of missing ninja from our bingo books chased Pein away! They called me a 'High Priest' and then…"

 **Flashback!...**

"Zetsu- activate your clone army" Pein ordered as his six paths barricaded the passageways. Zetsu looked ready to argue.

"Leader-sama, they are weak, **haven't eaten in days since Kakuzu denounced money** as it **went against the Will of Fire** , and if even Tobi is against us…"

"Silence! The five thousand clones will be enough, I'm sure." Pein looked insane while Zetsu prepared the jutsu. "Soon. Soon you will be destroyed Kitsune. Then my Akatsuki will rise again!"

 **End! Next chapter will be the flashback of the Akatsuki's fall. I originally was going to separate the summons and the 'Akatsuki end' but when I couldn't figure out a wacky challenge for Naruto, I decided this could work. KingofSarutobi helped come up with the way this will go down, so go check out his Orphan fic!**

 **Also, for those who may question WHY I am going this route: simple, Akatsuki are too serious for my series, and Orochimaru adds enough tension thank you very much. Finally… what do you think of Shin's chicken summons? They and the other summons will be occasional guest stars for a few plots I have planned.**


	25. Chapter 25

**Chapter 25-Deidara feeds the masses**

 **AN: Glad everyone is looking foreward to the Akatsuki's fall of sort. This idea came from KingofSarutobi. Please enjoy this. Finally, I was wanting to bring Kurama in soon, so start being on the lookout through the next few chapters and let me know what you think!**

 **Ps. Different chapters coming up will have the old Akatsuki members taking part- send me a private message if you have a mission idea/ preferred character you want and I'll see what I can do (just saying Hidan probably won't happen a lot because I never liked him in the first place.)**

 **Flashback, with Zetsu and Pein…**

As one under the tower five thousand clones awaken from their induced slumber.

"Hungry" was many of their first words and several sniffled. With a sweat drop black Zetsu spoke up, holding Naruto's picture.

" **Quiet! Get your crying faces outside- your mission is to go outside and kill the ANBU in this picture** but don't push yourselves!" White Zetsu finished. The clones salute and work their way outside, still saying how hungry they were as they were almost never fed.

"You can eat the humans outside" White Zetsu said helpfully, cheering them up.

Naruto rode on Deidara's bird, the other Akatsuki members preparing themselves for a fight against the horde of Zetsu. When Itachi had informed them of Pein's plan they had skidaddled outside- killing was so much easier in open spaces after all.

"Hold on your Priestness! I, Deidara, shall protect you!" Deidara boasted as he prepared a clay spider.

"Wow! Can you make them look like anything?" Naruto asked excitably. Deidara puffed his chest.

"Of course! Look- here is a fish bomb!" Deidara holds a perfect replication of a fish. Naruto claps his hands in delight.

The Zetsu clones pooled out of the tower.

"FOOD" They chattered. Seeing the Akatsuki delivered to them on a platter they started to charge. The Akatsuki retreated, creating a barrier of puppets, mud walls, black fire, paper birds and mist to keep the clones busy.

"Crap- I wasn't counting on so many! Oh, if I wasn't a new man I'd pray to Jashin!" Hidan wailed.

"Quiet, fools. How will we win against them and then Nagato?" Konan asked. At this point Naruto and Deidara land, Naruto still holding the fish bomb.

"Huh, they're hungry" Naruto pointed out. Deidara and the others gave a slight 'you think' look. "Could we feed them?" Everyone face faults, and the newly joined Itachi widens his eyes slightly.

"What? They can't comprehend the wonderful Will of Fire! How would feeding help besides making them more energized and harder to kill?!" Deidara said, palming his face.

"What if they ate these?" Naruto held up his 'fish.'

"…"

"…This could actually work, un." Cue most of the Akatsuki looking at him. "What? They aren't smart, and I can mold enough fish to feed five thousand! Priest Nanachi, help me pass out the rations!"

"I have some salt" Kisame adds, pulling out a salt shaker. "It will make them tastier- mother always said salt could bring out the flavor in bricks."

 **Ten minutes later…**

The clones, fueled by promise of food, had demolished the distractions. They were about to barge through the mud wall when Naruto and Deidara flew over head with buckets.

"Greetings, white creatures!" Naruto called. "Before we fight, how about some lunch?"

"FOOD!" Was the deafening cheer as they looked up. Naruto tilts the baskets over, allowing the clay animals to go down. As one the clones open up and allowed the 'fish' to fall in.

"Three. Two. One. BOOM" With a single hand sign the white Zetsu were just flaps of white paste on the Ame land, the village below hearing the explosion but wisely choosing to ignore it.

"That was…easy" Kakuzu managed.

"Our Will of Fire burned bright!" Deidara cheered, and soon most joined him.

"NOOO! YOU WILL CEASE THIS CRAP! I AM GOD!" Pein screamed. "Zetsu- ATTACK!" He ordered. Unfortunately, Zetsu was pragmatic and went over to join the side of Akatsuki members. Both forces prepared to strike, when Naruto stepped foreward.

"Halt! Cease your fighting- aren't you comrades?" Naruto questioned. The combatants looked across, confused.

"Yeah but"

"But nothing! Konoha ninja don't fight one another! All of you have Konoha headbands…though the six guys named Pein don't, but they still look like they'd fit in with Konoha! Comrades protect the Great Tree together, not destroy eachother under it. Tell me: who are we?"

"KONOHA NINJA!" Everyone but Pein shouted.

"AND WHAT DO WE DO?!"

"TRIUMPH!"

"BECAUSE THAT'S"

"OUR WILL OF FIRE!"

Nagato didn't know whether to hate the ANBU or hug him. As the brat spoke his heart felt a pull, something that hadn't happened in years.

"AS KONOHA NINJA WE LIVE AND DIE TOGETHER!" Naruto called as Tobi put him on his shoulders. "I have to beat an S-class ninja and you look like an S-class. Will you surrender? Your friends are waiting." On cue the Akatsuki smile at their old leader, and beckon them over.

"My army is gone" Pein said. "My home is overrun by idiots who together could take even me down. Even the girl I consider a sister chose you over me." Pein looked at Naruto, still sitting on Tobi. "Sure, why not? I admit defeat to you, Konoha ANBU. Not like this day can get any worse can it?" He muttered and stood down. Just then Itachi spoke up.

"I was always loyal to Konoha- so I would have killed you eventually" He admitted. Pein blinked. He blinked again. And he turned the six bodies back towards his office.

"I don't care anymore- I need a drink. Toss me some head bands Itachi." Soon all six Pein wore the standard Konoha head bands. "If you can't beat them, join them."

"Again, way too easy" Kakuzu pointed out.

"Hn." Itachi replied. He turned towards the tiny kid on the shoulders of the other killer of his clan. "Kitsune, it's been a long time."

"Yep… are you still evil?" Naruto asked. He'd always liked Itachi and Itachi _had_ said he was always loyal.

"No. It was…Orochimaru that did everything. I just took the blame to go undercover." Itachi said, telling the lie smoothly. He was counting down the days to go home.

"Hey! But Tobi remembers that Itachi-sempai and Tobi"

"Finish that sentence and I'll tell a certain cyclops you're still alive" Itachi warned, Sharingan blazing. Tobi nodded quickly.

"Anyway, what should we do now, un?"

"Hn. Kitsune, how would you like to learn how to make your shadow clones explode?" Itachi asked. Hearts appeared on Naruto's mask.

"YATTA! Yes! Then I can use them for the next wave of new sempais!" He yelled in victory.

Itachi suddenly felt very bad for the next wave of recruits.

In the end Nagato never fully embraced the 'Will of Fire' but did write a statement that he did in fact admit defeat to the ten year old. He also gave his former subordinates citizenship in Ame, on the condition they were allowed to keep the Konoha head bands and hold rallies for the 'Will of Fire'. At that point Nagato just waved his hand.

"Nagato-jiji! I have to go now- see you later!" Naruto said, giving the real Nagato a hug.

"My name is Pein- and please don't come back." He begged.

"Don't say that! Konan-nee says your birthday is near Christmas- I have to come bring you a present! Maybe I'll bring my two teammates too" Nagato banged his head into his hand- From reports, the brat's 'sempai' named Shin was worse than the Kitsune ANBU! Vowing to take a vacation somewhere far away the week of his birthday Nagato waved a feeble hand goodbye.

"Now I just have to draft trade treaties for Konoha, Kumo, and Suna. Gah! Being a leginament leader of a country is hard! I'd rather be a criminal mastermind!"

 **End Flashback- Sarutobi's office…**

"And that's that! So Itachi-sempai will be back next week after he takes a break in some hot springs he said!" Naruto said. Most just blinked and assumed Itachi was lying until Sarutobi sighed.

"Thank goodness. I'll prepare to tell the village and Sasuke the truth now that his mission is over." He was relieved- killing off the Uchiha was one of his greatest mistakes. At least now he'd be able to fix some of it. Pinning the blame on his psycho student was just icing on the cake.

"So…exploding clones?" Shin asked, giddy. His eyes shinned. Everyone else gulped.

"Boys- classes will be starting soon. Naruto, I'm sure Sasuke has missed you." Sarutobi said quickly, and the three left. Coughing slightly he turned serious. "Now who can pull a somewhat believable reason for why Naruto shouldn't use the exploding clones?" Flamingo pulled out a drawing board.

"Kills a fox kit?" One recommends. "That always works."

"No, that bastard Shin will pull another shadow clone heist" another gripes.

"How just order him?" Catfish suggests between coughs. The others consider it but shudder.

"No-too risky." They chime.

"Okay people, viable answers!" Sarutobi orderd.

 **Meanwhile, Academy…**

Sasuke couldn't deal with this- they were back. His stalkers, after being gone for almost two weeks, they were back. Worse, Kitsune landed in front of him on his desk.

"Hey Sasuke!" He said cheerfully. Sasuke's response was to bang his head on the desk repeatably.

"Maybe it's a dream. Gotta be a dream" He muttered.

 **End- next chapter- Itachi comes back lol. I have a vision of the comedic material I can add. And Nagato- should I do his birthday party later? I'm already going to have him visit Konoha to set up a peace treaty and be saddled with Naruto as a guard. I hope you like the exploding version the popular bible miracle. I'm a Christian so any humor from it I can derive is great.**

 **Finally, have a great weekend and next update should be better as it's back to a bit more relaxed pace.**


	26. Chapter 26

**Chapter 26**

 **AN: Hey guys back for more! I'm glad a lot of people enjoyed last chapter, and I hope I can make this one even better. Anyways, have y'all read KingofSarutobi's 'The Orphan'? He just released chapter fifteen and it is AMAZING. I'm not kidding- and the Gaara fight, while I won't ruin it for you, I feel it was extremely well done and emotional. Go check it out!**

 **The idea for the revised version of the exploding clones is brought to you by TubfullofDishes345. Seriously. I had a completely different idea and story for the chapter today but this was too good to pass up.**

 **Ten Days later…**

Sasuke Uchiha looked at the figure of the man he was supposed to hate. He'd grown up hating him, always trying to beat him, to avenge the clan.

And then he heard the truth- Orochimaru killed them. Now, Sasuke was intelligent- some would say genius- so he was sure there was more to the story. But honestly?

He didn't care one bit.

"Nii-san! SAVE ME!" He cried. The first words Itachi heard from his little brother were cries of help.

"Umm…" Was the intelligent reply of the criminal turned hero. Itachi couldn't sense any danger around, and the only ones in the Hokage's office were them, the Hokage and Danzo, and the ANBU…oh. Now he understood. Kitsune was an ANBU, even if he was currently planning his next 'capture the traitor' with the two little hellions he called friends (AN: Poor Sai, it's really only Naruto and Shin- I guess that's why they always say to watch out for who you make friends with!)

"You don't get it! I go to school- they're there! During meals- they show up! No matter where I go they just appear!" Sasuke clutched his head. "Please Nii-san! Make it stop!" Now Itachi loved his little brother, but seeing Sasuke in a manic episode because of the Mascot and his two friends was just too good to pass up.

Hn. Perhaps he spent too much time with Kisame. Though the shark man now ran a fish reserves, protecting the endangered species with the vigor of a man fighting the fourth great shinobi war, he used to be rather…unique in his humor.

"I am sure you over reacting." Itachi assured him half heartedly. Itachi knew Sasuke was completely justified in his paranoia- Itachi was once the victim of Kitsune's complete and undivided attention- but Sasuke took it to a whole 'nother level.

"Nii-san. I'm not. They are **everywhere.** Before you came back, they were still higher up on my hit list than you!" Itachi sighed, partially in annoyance. Was killing one's clan not good enough for Sasuke to obsess over? Were three children really worth more than he?

"Foolish little brother, what have I told you about hit lists?" If Itachi wasn't number one on this list, then it wasn't allowed to exist!

"You didn't say"

"Fool! Hit lists are not allowed!" Itachi cut him off. "Now favorite lists- especially if I'm at the top of it- are most certainly allowed, hn." Most others in the room, Sasuke included, gave Itachi an 'are you serious' look. Danzo coughed.

"Itachi, now that you're a part of Konoha again… mind explaining why you taught the menace- I mean Kitsune- the exploding shadow clone?! My base is covered in glitter" Danzo fumed. They forbid Naruto from using the jutsu because it was too dangerous. So what did the bastard Shin do?  
He taught him how to make them un-dangerous… by exploding glitter and paint!

"Aye- and the ANBU headquarters can't take much more color!" Dragon added.

"Hiashi-sama went into a regressive state when his doll collection received red glitter. He said it reminded him too much of the Uchiha eyes and hasn't stopped rocking back and forth yet!" Flamingo pointed an accusing finger at the Uchiha.

"Hn. I wasn't thinking?" The genius tried. Everyone gave a dead pan look while Danzo cracked his knuckles.

"Try again." He ordered.

 **With SHL…**

"Sempai, what are we going to do? Camp is almost here" Naruto pointed out. The three had set aside their Iruka mission in favor of figuring out how to avoid 'Camp Danzo'. "Hokage-jiji said that stopping a criminal organization wasn't good enough to be exempt" Naruto pouted. Shin racked his brain.

"Brother, you know Danzo-sama was considering letting us off the hook." Sai said while drawing plans for their Uchiha surveillance mission. The boy was too observant, meaning they needed better hiding places.

"Really?! What changed?" Shin asked. Sai sent him a blank look.

"The exploding glitter clones. One of them ruined Danzo-sama's weekly brownies and another went off right as he and Hokage-sama was set to meet with the Daimyo's representative. Now they are certain that our leaders are in fact an item."

"Heh, totally worth it" Shin said without remorse.

 **Flashback!**

"What's wrong, Kohai?" Shin asked a downtrodden Naruto. The boy looked up in their hide out, tears in his eyes.

"Sempai- I'm not allowed to use my exploding clones in the village because they are too dangerous!" He wailed. Naruto really liked the new version of his clones. Shin thought for a moment, then a light bulb went off- a perfect plan for mischief.

"Heh. Never fear Kohai! I just happen to have an idea- we can make them non-deadly. And we do that with…" Looking around he picks up the first thing from one of their traitor stakeouts. "Glitter. They can't ban it if it's non-deadly." Shin said seriously.

"Really?"

"Really. The…Shinigami decrees it."

"Wow! You're awesome Sempai!"

 **End flashback…**

"Even if it was worth it, we still have to attend the camp now" Sai pointed out. Pacing, Naruto arrived at a conclusion.

"We just have to solve a problem both Hokage-jiji and Danzo-jiji have." Naruto declared. Even Shin looked doubtful at that.

"How? You gave away the paperwork fix- what else could they want?"

"Heh- they were crying over that cat Tora last week, remember?" Naruto asked. Both boys nodded, remembering the scene: two war heroes unable to kill one cat. The last five assassins had failed.

"They say the cat is immortal" Sai mused.

"But if we manage to kill it we'd have them in our debt" Shin added. Naruto nodded.

"Operation: kill Tora, is ago!" And with that the three began throwing ideas around.

"Though I guess this means we'll have to put the Iruka and Sasuke missions on the back burner." Shin muttered.

Throughout Konoha, both an Uchiha and Umino felt the urge to jump around singing "I'm free" for unexplainable reasons. They also couldn't help but have a sense of sympathy for the resident demon cat, Tora, for reasons they couldn't explain.

 **With Tora…**

Tora, the immortal cat of the Fire court, was used to murder attempts. Too bad for them, the cat was vicious and unless Tora wanted to die, it wouldn't. How Tora was granted this gift is a story for another day, but said cat couldn't stop the pit in its stomach from dropping for unexplainable reasons. Tora just had the unsettling feeling that moving to Moon country would be wise.

Unfortunately its mistress loved Konoha for reasons Tora couldn't guess.

Perhaps it was just a furball. _Besides, not like any one could actually harm me._ Tora thought, drifting into another nap.

 **End! TubfullofDishes345- you rule. Simple as that. When I read your comment I wouldn't have come up with the glitter!**

 **Again, TubfullofDishes345 this goes out to you for being a freaking genius. Have a great weekend guys!**


	27. Chapter 27

**Chapter 27**

 **AN: Hey everyone, I hope your weekends were enjoyable! Here's the next installment in mascot, please enjoy.**

 **Two weeks later…**

Tora the 'demon cat' was in heaven. Her mistress was in a meeting meaning nobody knew the feline had escaped, the sun was shining in a nap inducing warmth, and the three brats trying to murder her were no where to be seen. Two weeks of constant assassination attempts really wore an immortal kitty cat out- theres only so many dodged kunai or poisoned mice a cat can take after all. Laying on a high branch Tora flicked her tail, watching a chicken who was clucking on the forest ground below.

Wait, chicken? With a vicious smirk Tora crouched on the branch. Tapping into her hunter instincts she bounded down with a grace unheard of for a creature so overweight.

"Mreooow" the demon cat hissed in glee, digging claws sharpened on foolish genin into the back of the innocent chicken. She thought victory was hers, until her downed victim turned to face its attacker and _spoke._

"CLUCK- Why you! Secret chicken style: Pecking barrage!" The chicken screeched and with a battle cry dozens of other chickens appeared around the area and dive bombing Tora.

"Meow!" The cat cried. She hadn't realized her almost meal was actually a part of the blasted chicken clan, known for their insanity and mass battle tactics. As far as Tora knew no one survived the 'pecking barrage' unless they escaped indoors. Fearing for her immortal life Tora did something she never did before- she ran towards home.

 **Meanwhile, in the trees…**

"Wow! You were right- chickens are awesome!" Naruto cheered when the chickens left in pursuit of their prey. Shin basked in the praise while Sai wondered if his brother really needed an ego boost.

"I know, I know. Your sempai is truly amazing, isn't he?" Shin asked with a pleased smirk.

"Yes, I am" A voice chuckled behind them. The three jumped off the branch and whipped around, weapons drawn. Boar was leaning against the trunk of another tree, mirth evident in his voice and posture.

"Boar-nii!" Naruto cried and glomped the man, climbing up to his shoulders from the legs like an inch worm. Boar allowed this to happen, just rolling his eyes behind his mask.

"Kitsune, Viper…Rabid bunny slippers" He greeted and pointedly ignored Shin's indiginent protests. "While I admire your willingness to rid the world of Konoha's menace, those chickens won't work."

"And why not?" Naruto asked, now doing a hand stand on the older ANBU.

"Oh, it's just that Tora's immortal you know." Boar replied. The boys nodded.

"But my chickens won't stop until Tora's dead or apologizes"

"Or escapes indoors" Boar adds. "And Tora was running towards her house. And the chickens will keep attacking the outside until their chakra runs out." The boys stiffen and pale.

"We have to go"

"I'll prepare to summon Tsubaki"

"Bye Nii-san"

And with speeds the Yellow flash would be proud of they set off to prevent Shin's chickens from destroying the Daimyo's village home.

Sasuke was enjoying a peaceful lunch with his big brother. The two sat in companionable silence at a local tea shack, the late spring afternoon proving to be magnificeint. Better yet, his stalkers were only at school the last two weeks. And even then their attention was focused on a white board with a crudely drawn cat and a book 'How to Kill an Immortal like a badass'. Sasuke didn't ask, he just thanked his luck that he was one hundred percent mortal.

Poor bastard who couldn't die, as Sasuke was certain the three would be the first to break the mold. Suddenly a mass horde of chickens chasing a cat flew by during a sip of tea.

"Itachi-nii?"

"You will find little brother, that in some instances, ignorance is bliss" Itachi said sagely. Sasuke thought for a moment before nodding. He could subscribe to that ideology, especially when Kitsune and his accomplices run in the same direction not three minutes later.

Too late. Too late they called off the horde, and the mansion that had been around since the second war resembled more 'swiss cheese' and 'poop pile' than the 'regal historical marker' and 'beautiful home' that it was usually known for. The Chicken Clan had done something not even the Kyubi could claim in its rampage ten years ago: they had almost demolished the most important building in the village.

"We're screwed" Shin gulped at the sight once all his summons dispersed. That nervousness turned to rage when he spotted their target on the third floor, sitting in a window. The cat looked at them, and stuck its tounge out. "The kid gloves are off! LET'S SEE HOW SHE TAKES THE WILL OF FIRE IN PHYSICAL FORM! FIRE STYLE: PROTECTING THE GREAT TREE JUTSU" Shin screamed, trying out his new jutsu, one he had been planning on sharing with the rest of the followers of the Will of Fire at the monthly gathering. Oh well, the cat was mocking him.

 **Later, Hokage's office…**

Sarutobi banged his head repeatably on his desk as the Daimyo's wife sat off to the side stroking a smoked cat that was slowly healing.

 _Damn it! Why couldn't succeed- at least then it'd be worth it. But now there's six stacks of paper work and the Daimyo will no doubt be visiting wondering why an ANBU helped burn down the village's second oldest home._

In front of him were the three responsible. Sai looked the most contrite, and Naruto at least seemed to be sweating under Sarutobi's aged glare. Shin though was engaging in a glaring contest with Tora.

"I'll get you next time" He promised. The Daimyo's wife sobbed louder and snuggled Tora closer. Tora sent a challenging look, and a new rivalry was born.

"Hokage-sama! I demand these three- three monsters be executed!" She pointed a finger in said 'three monsters' direction. Sarutobi repressed a face palm, knowing she had the right to request it, but that he couldn't- and wouldn't!- indulge her. Suddenly, his ninja skills came back to him, and he pulled out an old Hokage trick his sensei used.

"I'm sorry, Shira-sama, but that won't be possible. Academy students can't be executed, which both Shin and Sai are."

"Then that ANBU!"

"Was not there" Sarutobi assured her. "He arrived on the scene afterwards I'm afraid." He put on a false concerned tone.

"B-but I saw him cheering on the grey one's actions and waving at my kitty as she made a daring escape!"

"A genjutsu, I'm afraid. Actually, the whole situation was a misunderstanding." He said. She gave a deadpanned look.

"Come again?"

"Shin and Sai are orphans and as such enjoy pranking others. Kitsune here is the academy's guard and often times checks up on the unfortunate souls without a role model. Sai is adept at genjutsu" _I hope_ "so he put up that illusion to confuse and cause trouble. Kitsune appeared with the other ANBU to douse the fire. My ANBU would never just watch your home burn" _Without me there- stupid house_ "and as such there is no case."

"Then how will you punish the two?" She asked angrily, knowing ninja were able to do many magical things- why not believe the Hokage?

"Oh? I thought perhaps that Tora and you would enjoy a vacation to Moon country while your house is being rebuilt. I'll send them as your personal servants and Kitsune and Boar as body guards. How about it? A month long paid shopping and vacation experience?" _This will teach them to screw with jutsu inside the village and get that cat out of my hair._

"Oh, Hokage-sama! You really know the way to a girl's heart!"

Up in the rafters a certain ANBU turned to his fellow guard.

"Please just kill me." He begged. The Inu ANBU sniggered.

"Hell no. This is too entertaining."

Meanwhile, a certain cat smiled evilly: oh the joys at the torture it could cause!

 **In Ame…**

Pein himself was having a bad week. His physical body was stronger from not needing to use his paths constantly, but it just meant he himself had to cope with the curse of kages.

"I need a vacation" He pleaded Konan. The woman rolled her eyes but pulled out the map.

"Where? Konoha is said to be rather beautiful"

"NO! He's there" Pein gripped his hair. "Moon country!" He decided pointing to the map. "ANBU don't get vacations so I'll be safe there. Pack the bags, I'm going to Moon."

"YAY! TOBI IS A GOOD BOY! TOBI AND EVERYONE GOES ON A VACATION!" A certain masked Akatsuki member pops out of a floor tile and goes to inform everyone of the plan. Pein just collapsed.

"Well, at least _he_ won't be there."

If only he knew.

 **End! This was an idea rolling in my head for awhile and I hope you people like my next chapter, 'Adventures in Moon'. I watched the Naruto movie about the island recently and it made me want to write about something set there! Just a little note: I know Tobi is Obito, duh, but his childish personality fits- plus, being brainwashed into the 'Will of Fire' has been known to have adverse side effects on the human mind.**


	28. Chapter 28

**Chapter 28**

 **AN: Hey everybody! Riku here, this chapter was born as me and my new internet pal TubfullOfDishes345 bounced a bunch of ideas around the last day or two. I hope you enjoy, and my dear Tubby-chan, thanks for all the help!**

 **Land of Moons…**

"My darling, how are you enjoying your stay?" The Daimyo's wife asked lovingly.

"Meow" came the reply of Tora from underneath an umbrella on Moon's snow white beach. With a contented sigh the woman motioned for her body guard and servant to follow- she had tons of shopping to do!

Off to the side, slowly fanning the feline with a palm leaf, was a murderous looking Shin.

"I didn't kidnapped by Danzo-sama and turned into a tool just to babysit an unkillable feline!" Shin grumbled. _Guess it can't get any worse_

"Yeah yeah bunny slippers, think you could move a bit? You're blocking my sun." Boar complained. _I take that back- now he's on my list too._ The older ANBU was on his stomach sunbathing, swim trunks with boars on them and his mask still secured to his face.

"Aren't you supposed to be guarding the Daimyo's wife?" Shin griped. Boar just lazily waved his hand.

"Maa, Kitsune is taking care of it- we have a system, see. My kohai takes the day shift and I take the night shift."  
"You tricked him into not having any time on the island to relax?!" Shin asked in disbelief. At the resolute nod he laughed. "I like your style. Though I still hate the fact that I have to play maid to a cat."

"Just think of it this way: passive aggressive messing with the clients is how I and most ninja spend our missions. As long as it doesn't endanger the objective and no one can prove anything, you're off the hook."

And suddenly babysitting a cat didn't seem so bad.

 **With Akatsuki…**

Pein stepped off the boat feeling like a new man: by stopping the use of his paths and relaxing on the way over, the red haired Uzumaki could walk in the sun once more. Breathing in the salty air of the docks he had a date with a beach.

"Arrg, Deidara for the last time: art is NOT an explosion!" Annnd his good mood was gone. _Why did I allow these idiots to come?_ Pein wondered as Sasori- without his puppets for once- was having a heated debate with Deidara. Kisame slung his sword between them to break up the fighting.

"Relax chumps. This is a vacation, keep the art crap for back in Ame." _Thank you Kisame- that's it, you're getting a raise._

"But I must prove ART IS AN EXPLOSION that demonstrates my WILL OF FIRE!"

"No! Puppetry is what makes the WILL OF FIRE!" Kisame stood still, thinking.

"Then why not have a contest? You could see whose art is better."

"How?" Was three questions. Pein couldn't deal with the paperwork if they blew up half the island- again, being a leginament leader sucked sometimes.

"Uhh….damn, Itachi usually did the thinking. Oh! I know, you could build sandcastles." The shark man exclaimed. Pein face palmed,

"I don't think that will solve any problems, why don't you two put your argument on hold and"  
"WE'LL DO IT!" The two 'artists' cried. In a bull rush two S-class missing ninja (wearing their standard Konoha headbands of course) made for the beach. Pein decided to let it go- hey, they wore Konoha head bands now so he could always disavow them if necessary- and turned back to the rest of his group.

"Uh, Kisame, you're part shark, right?"

"Hmm? Yes." Kisame said while sheathing his sword.

"Then what's with the shirt?" Pein deadpanned. For on Kisame was a white t shirt with the phrase 'Fish are Friends: NOT food' in bold letters.

"What about it?"

"You're a shark"

"And?"

"…Oh for heaven's sake never mind!" Honestly, he was surrounded by idiots. Konan had taken off with the immortal brother Hidan over the evils of Jashin and invitations for their next cult meeting. Kakuzu was wearing a priest robe while handing out money to random strangers: apparently hording money was against the 'Will of Fire' and as such the man refused to keep more than necessary to survive on him.

Zetsu went to try a new vegan restaurant advertised, both halves arguing over which was better: kale or spinach. And Tobi? Well…

"Tobi is a good boy! Tobi and Pein go shopping!" Tobi squealed and latched onto him. The 'good boy' wore a Hawaiian shirt and Sharingan shorts, still with his orange mask but added the customary sunglasses- had to protect the eyes…er eye.

"Fine, but you will behave! Now let's go. First we need to stop at a swim store before" And Pein stopped mid sentence.

"Hah! Shira-sama, there's ice cream nearby, want to try some?!" That voice. Cold shivers racked his body and he looked around. No, there wasn't any demonic little ANBU anywhere near here.

"Who am I kidding: ANBU don't get vacation. Just get a grip Pein. You're literally the most powerful shinobi alive! He can't touch you. He can't see you. He's probably stuck in Konoha." Reason firmly in his grasp Pein set off. "Come, Tobi. Let's go shopping."

"First icecream! Tobi is starving."

 **Back on the beach!**

"Sasori- you shall fall today to my mighty sandcastle!" A blonde shouted from atop a bird, landing on the sand, shovel and bucket in hand. Sasori stood opposite, equipped the same.

"As if, Deidara. Remember: no jutsu! Just sheer artistic talent and buckets and shovels!" Making the sign to start a dual the two bounded off to display their sand skills. Off to the side was Shin, a still sleeping Tora, and Boar.

"Um, shouldn't we do something?" Shin asked, recognizing the two from the Bingo book.

"Meh, they're wearing Konoha head bands. Maybe they've turned over a new leaf?" Boar suggested and chuckled at- in his own opinion- a clever pun.

"Your wit knows no bounds, sempai." The Root agent deadpanned. "Wait… WHO ARE WE!" He shouted. In response twin calls of

"KONOHA NINJA!" ring out. Satisfied, Shin stops gathering his chakra for jutsu.

"Ahh, they're disciples like I am."

"This cult thing has to stop- not even the mascot believes it." Boar insisted.

"Shut up! Don't mock my Priest-kohai!"

"Whatever- go get me more lemonade." Boar ordered. On the way to get the man's beverage, an 'acidental' wind blew a stray rain drop the size of a horse onto Tora. These 'accidents' almost made Shin's lot in life worth it. Almost.

 **With Naruto…**

Naruto gleefully ate his treat from his mask, feeding some to Condor.

"I am glad you summoned me, Naruto. While humans are still inferior to Ostriches, your race does know how to invent a truly delightful indulgence." Condor complimented. Sai was off to side with a plain vanilla cone with his owl, both bogged down with dozens of bags already.

"No problem, Condor! Shira-sama, how's your cone?" Said Shira-sama was nibbling on a triple chocolate cone. She looked at her guard and servant. Honestly she was having a blast like never before just by talking to them, especially the minature ANBU. He wasn't like the ANBU she'd heard about- more like a cute puppy than killer.

"I am enjoying it, Kitsune. After this I have much more shopping to do before dinner!" She clapped her hands in anticipation. Taking one last bite she jumps up with a speed unheard of for a woman her size. "Shopping time!"

As they waded through the crowds many looked on in shock and awe at the two children riding on oversized birds obeying the wims of the Fire Daimyo's wife. However, they were in Moon country- even missing ninja weren't that difficult to find walking around as there was rumors of ten of them being on the island already. With one last look most went on their way, promising themselves to stay out of their way.

Meanwhile, Pein was making his way to the ice cream shop, Tobi still bouncing up and down. Pein really wished his mentor/benefactor/old subordinate had kept his serious attitude, not the toddler squirrel he was left with.

No. Not here. He spots a certain mask, riding on an…ostrich? No, the sun must have been getting to him. There was no chance in hell that his nemesis had just turned the corner on a summoning animal. Going through the breathing exercises his therapist taught him Pein threw that terrifying possibility out of his mind. _If only I hadn't promised Moon's king to not use chakra while here- damn politics!_

"Come one, come all! I shall lay money at the feet of the poor, to demonstrate my resolve!" Kakuzu's unmistakable voice echoed through the crowd.

"Just…kill me." Pein begged.

"Stop you monsters! Cease your selfish enslaving and butchering of fish! Fish are friends, not food. If I, a shark, can see that so can you!" Kisame bellowed from atop a ship nearby.

"I repeat…just end me, please. It's more merciful than this, I assure you."

"Sir do I need to call the hotline?" A brunette waitress asked, concern evident in her voice. Pein lifted his head from the table he collapsed on.

"Have you ever had all your plans for world domination fall because of a child and then for the rest of your life have to babysit a bunch of insane ex criminals even on vacation?" He asked her.

"Uh…no?"

"Then go away, for you do not know true pain."

"Can I interest you in some ice cream? Ice cream fixes everything."

"…Why not? It can't be any worse than the Will of Fire." Pein decided. The waitress walked away, clearly disturbed but dutifully made the obviously unhinged man some ice cream.

With his ice cream in hand Pein resolved not to think about the possible monster walking around mocking him.

"Ooh, Shira-sama you look pretty in yellow!"

Nope, not going to think about it.

 **End of part one! Next chapter will follow Naruto and company some more! I love messing with Pein right now, and Naruto will have a greater role next chapter, promise. How is it so far? I hope this brings big smiles to your faces today. Have a great Wednesday everyone.**


	29. Chapter 29

**Chapter 29**

 **AN: Heya peeps! Here's another bundle of laughs (hopefully) for you! I noticed a lot of readers like my other fic more, which is interesting lol since my favorite is this one! Anyways enjoy.**

 **Once week later, beach front…**

"They're still at it. And how are their structures standing- there's no chakra!" Shin says, mouth agape. Boar plops back down on the sand.

"Doesn't matter, go get me an iced tea." Boar grumbles. Tora stretches out on the ANBU's back.

"Whatever, lazy ass." As Shin left his foot 'accidentally' kicked up sand into Tora's eyes.

"Hiss!" The cat shot him. Ignoring it the Root agent bemoaned his fate of nursemaid for a cat and ANBU agent.

"Art is an explosion! Of sand!" Deidara added from atop his spire. In a very 'Deidara-like' fashion, his sand masterpiece could be described as unique. A mixture of gothic spires, random bridges in different shapes, and lopsided sand sculptures decorated his space. The 'Will of Fire' was a twenty foot sand tree whose branches jutted out at all angles.

"Get real, Deidara! To show the Will of Fire, one must realize art is perfection! Behold my castle!" Sasori's sand had become a traditional castle (Think Disney) complete with a sand flag waving in the wind. On his 'lawn' were symmetrical statues of different important historical figures from Konoha. In the center was another symmetrical figure, this one a roaring flame with 'fire' ingraved in its heart.

The two artists looked around for a judge, only to spot Shin making his way back with two iced teas.

"Hey- you're the kid that was at that shampoo town! You've watched my masterpiece come together, un! Tell this Sasori-baka that my CASTLE IS BETTER THAN HIS!"

"No brat, inform this upstart that _my symmetrical_ masterpiece is a million times better than his lopsided hut." Shin sweat dropped at the two, then an idea played out. With a smirk he cleared out his throat.

"If I may, my little kohai, Kitsune, is here with the Daimyo's wife- I'm sure he'd _love_ to judge you both- after all, he is our venerable priest!" The two S-rank ninja pause, then growl at each other.

"FINE/SURE, UN!" They yelled together, then barreled towards the town. Boar looked up lazily, mask covered in sand.

"You really are evil, you know that?"  
"I have no idea what you're talking about- oops! Sorry Tora, my hand must have slipped!" Shin apologized as Tora darted away with iced tea on her back. "Good think I brought a back up."

 **With Naruto…**

"This is boring with a capital B!" Naruto complained in the waiting room. The young ANBU was upside down from the ceiling, pouting. Sai sat across from him painting and shot him a bland look.

"Kitsune, you know our job- just be grateful Shira-sama isn't making us go shopping again" the two share a wince for their feet and shoulders "and the spa is as comfortable as the hotel. Just be patient." Sai chided. Naruto huffed but nodded.

"Oh Kitsune, could you be a dear and come here? I need my purse." Shira-sama called. Naruto jumped off from his perch and dashed inside, purse in hand. As the black robe turned the corner Pein came in.

"Was that- no, not possible. Pein get a hold of yourself!" The rinnegan user admonished himself and went to the secretary. "Excuse me, me and my…friend here would like a spa day." He told the woman. Tobi bounced in a hand stand and the two were led through the man's side.

As the paranoid man left the lobby Naruto skipped back.

"Sai! I'm back- think you could teach me to paint?" Sai looked up sharply.

"No. Never again."

"Ah, but that was ONE time."

"You made your painting explode- I don't know how that happened but no. You are forbidden." Sai held his book far away from his friend's reaching hands.

"Sai!"

"No!"

"Sai?"  
"No!"

"Sai!"

"Shut it, both of you!" The secretary griped.

 **Hours later…**

Pein rolled his shoulders in bliss.

"Nothing like being pampered to alleviate unneeded fears. Though I must ask, Tobi- was Sharingan nail polish really necessary?" Pein eyed the masked man's fingers and toes.

"Of course! Tobi has shorts with Sharingan- why not fingers and toes too?"

"Fine, there's no sense trying to reason with you. Let's just find Kisame and the others"  
"Hehe- Sai! Let's go back to the hotel- Shin was supposed to pick up food." A familiar satanically sweet voice echoed down the street. Pein whipped his head around towards the sound, but there was nothing there. His good mood was gone.

"Never mind, let's just go back to the hotel. Damn nerves, seeing things not there."

Just then the artists in the group, Deidara and Sasori run past, forehead to forehead.

"Priest Kitsune will see my castle beats yours every day of the week!"

"Get real- mine will please the priest!"

As they continued on Pein sank to the ground.

"I won't believe it- if I pretend he's not there he won't be there." Pein reasoned out loud. Mind made up he made his way towards his hotel, Tobi hot on his heels.

 **Back with Naruto…**

"Can we switch places?" Shin begged his brother at dinner. Sai smiled sweetly.

"Hell no. Kitsune, stop eating so much dango!" Sai ripped the twentieth stick from his comrade. Naruto let out a feral growl.

"Dango is God's gift to man- release the dango!" Naruto ordered. Boar face palmed.

"Only Shin would find a way around the ANBU's attempts to keep the Mascot from breaking the food budget." Two pairs of eyes turned towards the older man in confusion as Naruto reached, as if possessed, for another stick.

"What the hell? You told us Ramen was forbidden- nothing about Dango! And hasn't he eaten Dango before?"

"No- the few times he's gone out with Anko for it she's always gulped his portion down before hand. You've doomed us all!"

Naruto finished the rest of the Dango and looked around crazy.

"More! I must have more!"

"The Hokage's going to kill us, isn't he?" Sai asked. Shin and Boar nodded.

"Him or Anko- he's eating more than she can!"

 **Konoha…**

Sarutobi was peacefully destroying Danzo at their weekly shogi match.

"My friend, your strategy is weak compared to mine- sacrificing all your pieces for 'the greater good' leaves me with an army to wipe you out" Sarutobi cackled. Danzo grew a tick.

"You're lucky I'm not actually a power hungry war monger or I'd kill you right here for that statement"

"Bah, stop it- and it's check mate. That's right. Hokage thirty seven wins, and thirty six losses! Beat that, Danzo-teme."

"I will, Hiruzen. Trust me I will." Danzo muttered. "Another game?"

"Of course…" Sarutobi trailed off. "I feel as if I need to banish Dango…and slaughter Shin."

"Strange, because I feel the same." Danzo agreed. The ANBU hidden throughout the room.

 **Back with Naruto…**

"I must eat more! DANGO! MY LOVE. MY LIFE! DANGO-SAMA!" Naruto demanded.

"No. You must eat something nutritious- no more dango." Boar put his authoritative voice on. Red chakra started bubbling around Naruto. "Crap." Was his intelligent response. Shin gulped while Sai reached for a kunai.

 **Inside the seal…**

Kurama felt his power being called on, and quickly looked through the memories, sweat dropping at the results.

 **"Calling on my chakra to demand more Dango- if this is how he reacts to this, how will he take Ramen?! No, I must lock down my chakra"** Pulling in his power, he inadvertently brought his container in.

"Hey! Where am I? And where's my Dango- ooh BUNNY RABBIT!" Naruto screamed happily at spotting Kurama's ears. Without abandon Naruto ran inside the cage and glomped a leg.

 **'** _ **There goes my intimidating entrance. What now, my macho reputation is shot! What idiot willingly enters a Biju's cage…oh right, this one.'**_ Kurama glares down at the small form cooing over his 'fur'. **"Oi! I'm a fox, not a rabbit, and move before I eat your soul."**

"Nope. Bunnies eat plants, not people- now be quiet while I pet you." Affronted, Kurama snaps at him.

 **"I'm THE KYUBI! Bow before me, mortal."**

"What's your name, cute little bunny rabbit?" Naruto cooed.

 **"Oh for heavens sake! CURSE YOU MADARA!"** Kurama bemoaned his misfortune. At least Kushina had the brains to fear him.

 **End! Just a little madness. Next chapter should be the final part of the Moon arc, but perhaps two more. Will Pein ever get a break and will Kurama survive having Naruto being in contact? Have a great weekend everyone!**


	30. Chapter 30

**Chapter 30**

 **AN: Sooo, this will be a short chapter, but I hope you find the humor in it! I worked hard on it and it took awhile for inspiration to strike- I guess it's because right now I'm really engrossed in my other story and preparing for move ins.**

 **Next day, beach…**

"Decide, my priest: whose sand castle shows the true meaning of the Will of Fire and art?!" Deidara beckoned the still half asleep Naruto to the beach. Naruto's eyes widened behind the eye holes at both Deidara's and Sasori's creations.

"Umm…" He tried.

"Priest-sama, observe my masterpiece- it is symmetry in stopped motion. Pefection." Sasori bowed and waved his hand towards his side. Deidara scoffed.

"As if- mine is more amazing! And look- KATSU" And bits of sand explode into fire works.

"No chakra, you numbskull, it's cheating."

"I'm a ninja, we live to cheat" Deidara stuck his tounge out. Naruto sweated a bit; he liked both equally but choosing one or the other would break the loser's heart.

"Hey, Priest-kohai! Look, I'm a sculptor" Shin shouted from the side. Glancing over was a lopsided 'castle' tower- just one bucket worth. It was pitiful, but Naruto took it.

"Shin wins! His masterpiece…it shows the simplicity in the 'Will of Fire!' Yes indeed, Shin wins. His is the best sandcastle in the world, and is now the Sandcastle king." And Naruto used a shunshin away.

"Heh, Shin, you rule" Shin complements himself. Meanwhile the two S-rank ninja were destroying their castles while sobbing.

 **Meanwhile, Suna…**

"My sand castle senses are going off- someone stole my title of 'Sandcastle king'. This is unacceptable! I must regain my title" A certain red haired psycho mutters and sets off towards the dessert.

 **Konoha, ANBU training grounds, three weeks later…**

Hayate was depressed, and not for the obvious reasons. It wasn't because his girlfriend made him join ANBU, or that he got stuck guarding the Hokage more thank missions. No, what had one Hayate Gekko staring listlessly into the sunset was his summons.

Specifically his favorite.

"And I'm sorry, but there needs to be boundaries! I refuse to be summoned in the desert again, Hayate! I am a catfish, not a freaking platypus: I can't fight on land."

"But Cuddles, I need" Hayate tried, but Cuddles cut him off.

"No! Either respect my wishes or we're through" And with a huff Cuddles the Catfish left.

 **With Naruto…**

Naruto lay on his assigned bunk that night, still starving. He only had thirty plates of Dango! Ever since he discovered God's gift to man weeks ago he never wanted to go back. But nobody would let him eat all the Dango he wanted!

Worse, they'd be getting on the ship tomorrow to go home, meaning he'd be without his addiction for four whole days. Uneceptable!

"Shin is great: shadow clone jutsu" the ANBU whispered as one single clone appeared that he switched with. "Time to buy some emergency rations" Naruto declared as he grabbed his kitsune wallet stuffed from all his missions and watching of Sasuke/Iruka.

Darting over the tourist town at night Naruto grinned- under his uniform of course. The sweet smelling scent of Dango called him, leading his legs to an all night tea house.

"Excuse me, how much Dango can I get with this much?" Naruto dumped his wallet out. The clerk balked and mentally added the vast amount.

"Um…three hundred plates with four balls each."

"Great- get them for me then, a mixture of all your flavors!" With wide eyes the clerk complied, and fainted when the boy in the Kitsune mask made the Dango disappear into the scroll. "Thank you miss clerk." And the boy bounded out to go towards his hotel.

Pein strolled through the quiet street; he'd packed up his luggage, gathered his wayward…fellow travelors because lord knows they didn't follow his orders, and was relaxing in the sea breeze. Tomorrow they'd take a ship back towards the mainland.

"Hehehe- Dango, Dango, best food in the world! Tiny balls of dough, how tasty are you really!" A childish voice sings in a familiar tune and voice.

 _Hell no. Not again._ Silhouetting in the moonlight as he glides in between buildings, Kitsune giggled. _Just imagining things, I'll bet._ Pein thinks, ignoring the evidence. Then, the lyrics hit him.

"That bastard- Ramen is king! Not that heathen Dango. Kitsune could only be a bigger menace if he turned out to be a fellow Uzumaki. Pein shuddered. "Stop scaring yourself Nagato- all Uzumakis are Ramen addicts. Besides, even if that was Kitsune, you'll be gone tomorrow before he sees you."

 **Boat, next day…**

The Daimyo's wife rested in her boat room (AN: Lol, what are those called? Cabins? Bunks? Tiny overpriced rooms?) with Tora while Naruto and the others discussed travel details with the crew on the docks. Sai inched away from Naruto and crowds had their mouths agape as Naruto summoned Dango after Dango from the scroll and ate it 'through' the mask.

"Hokage-sama's gonna kill me" Boar moaned. Sai patted the man kindly, though refused to lie and say it'd be alright.

Pein was also discussing travel plans on the boat next dock, in bliss thinking he'd missed his nemesis. _If I hurry back, I can make the treaty with Konoha before Kitsune returns to Konoha! Brilliant plan._

"MONSTERS! Don't you dare treat fish like food- they're friends to us all. Learn, you un believer!" Kisame screamed at a sailor from the deck. _Just have to survive a week and a half._

"Shut up, Fish-face! They need to learn the evils of money, not eating fish!"

"Stupid Kakuzu, I want to talk to them about our membership program!"

Pein seriously wandered if he'd be better off becoming a farmer and changing his identity if this is what he had to deal with.

 **Konoha, two weeks later…**

"Ah, Pein-dono, I am grateful for the chance to meet with you. I take it our talks tomorrow will be most fruitful" Sarutobi smiled at his fellow kage level ninja. Pein nodded stiffly.

"Yes. Since we are in peace talks, you may call me by my birth name, Nagato Uzumaki."

"Oh? An Uzumaki" Sarutobi said aloud in wonder. A certain ANBU that arrived back that morning gasped.

"YOU'RE AN UZUMAKI TOO?!"

"Shit" was Nagato's intelligent response. The universe just loved screwing with him.

 **End! Next time: Tora's revenge, Nagato's suffering, and the ANBU's horror. I hope you liked the ending of the arc, next chapter will be better!**

 **Questions:**

 **Any other personality flips y'all want to see?**

 **I have Naruto's first assassination mission soon (Don't worry, won't be serious lol) so I want your opinion which ANBU/ANBU's should accompany him since I made a joke out of it twice.**

 **The scene with Hayate was random, but how was it? Would y'all like other random scenes of other ANBU sometimes?**

 **Thank you and have a great evening!**


	31. Chapter 31

**Chapter 31**

 **AN: Hey my awesome readers! Another chapter to bring you giggles and smiles. Now, a few things. First, with college coming up my updates will slow- no, I won't abandon any of my stories, its just college is important. However, seeing as I have mostly late morning classes, I will be able to type in the mornings and continue on a weekle/bi-weekly basis. Second, my plans for ANBU's mascot is to finish up when the Konoha twelve finish the Academy as Naruto won't be the silly kid anymore- but, I will consider continuing it on past that point. Third, my main priority is Academy to ANBU, because more of you seem to like that one. As such, for a while that one will be the focus.**

 **Finally, I want to begin another fan fic soon (like, October or November- maybe even December. I'll just write the chapters before hand in my spare time and hopefully have it half way done by its debut). If this interests you guys there's a few choices:**

 **Naruto doesn't pull his prank on Kakashi, setting up a change of events for the better (inspired both by a reviewer that talked it out with me over PM and ATA's Kakashi attempting to make Naruto his mini-me) ending up with Naruto becoming what Lee is to Guy…just less…youthful.**

 **The Warring Kitsune- sequel to my first fic, but that one went down the drain lol so I doubt y'all want a sequel but still.**

 **After Danzo's death, he finds himself awakening in a certain six year old blond boy's apartment with a note from God saying "make him better and don't become a douche this time". Well, Danzo always liked a challenged, if only his new roommate wasn't so damn loud in the mornings.**

 **After being kidnapped at five and escaping- meeting Kurama in the process- Naruto stays away and decides to live his own life away from the lonely village life of a Jinchuuriki. Seven years later he runs across a Suna ninja with a screaming sack. Investigating he discovers Konohamaru Sarutobi, and must decide: does he take the kid of his former grandfather figure with him while avoiding Konoha, or return the brat to the village he abandoned and risk discovery?**

 **When Sai and Naruto are given the S-rank mission to head back to the start of Naruto's genin career to fix the broken future, they over shoot and become five instead of twelve. (I love time travel fics but hate when they're abandoned/the characters are too scared to change things. So, I refuse to do either- the fic would be finished and it wouldn't be a complete plot rewrite where the only difference is Naruto is stronger and wiser. Other wise, why did they go back?) Now they must navigate life as chibis, surrounded by friends who haven't met them and enemies all too powerful.**

 **Finally, Tenzo didn't expect to be needed for Konoha's Jinchuuriki until the kid reached chunin and began tapping into his tenant's chakra- but a six year old Naruto has different plans when he pranks the sixteen year old Mokuten user's apartment, eliciting a strange turn of events for the two.**

 **So, PM me with your pick/picks. By October ANBU's Mascot should be complete or close to it (plan on about fifty to fifty five chapters but we'll see…I might make a part two of Mascot where they're still crazy but as teen agers.) and ATA will be done with the chunin exams by then so starting another fic will be fine. I was just going to pick one but decided to hear y'all's input!**

 **Sarutobi's office…**

"Shit, shit, shit" Pein chanted to himself. "Why does the universe HATE me?! Is this payback for wanting to revive the Juubi? Or the time I called Konan fat? Why me?!" Currently Kitsune was hanging on his back squealing.

"We're family! Jiji please oh please can I be his tour guide?" Naruto begged.

"I-I'm awfully" Pein tried.

"Glad that you're willing to show him around, Kitsune" Sarutobi interjected with a placating smile before turning towards his fellow leader. "Just please don't spread that part of Kitsune's identity- it is an S-class secret after all." Pein gulped; his village depended on gaining allies with Konoha and the other shinobi villages. He'd have to play along and not anger the 'God of Shinobi'.

"Very well, Hiruzen-dono. I'd be…delighted" _to stab my relative_ "For Kitsune to show me around. After all, **family** is family" _maybe I could pull an Itachi?_

"Excellent! Have fun you two" Sarutobi waved and Naruto dragged his cousin out the office door. As soon as the pair was out of ear shot the office filled with both on duty and off duty ANBU. Even Ibiki and the commander were there with popcorn.

"Hehe, it's been too long since we've seen the mascot on one of his outings" Boar sniggered. He'd spent the month with Naruto but nothing beat watching the kid in his natural environment.

"Hmmm, yes, my little brother is sure to drive Amekage-sama insane." Kakashi said from behind a book though his eye was glued to the orb.

"My apprentice is most amusing" Dragon complimented. Ibiki snorted.

"You mean my future apprentice- I haven't given up on the maggot yet!" Dragon just turned away.

"I'm sure." He replied dryly.

"I'm *cough* wondering what Kitsune will do next?" Hayate wondered aloud while sitting next to his girl friend Yugao who just prayed he'd stay away from her apartment.

"My fellow Dangoite will show the world the true meaning of freedom through Dango" Anko declared proudly as she gobbled down her fifth stick. Most sweat dropped at the woman's conviction over a food.

 **With Naruto and Pein…**

"We are not eating Dango for lunch!" Pein insisted, unaware the two were on a busy street. Civilians all around paused to watch the notorious tiny ANBU and the rumored leader of Ame engage in a verbal spar.

"But Dango is"

"Commoners' food. You must learn that Ramen is God's gift to mortals!"

"Hah! Dango is God's gift to mortals- we must partake in it to cleanse ourselves of evil" Naruto cried back and stood on his tip toes while puffing out his chest in an attempt to look convincing.

 **Office…**

Everyone burst out laughing at the picture of Naruto trying to look larger while defending his new favorite food. Anko cheered.

"Go gaki! Time to show that bastard whose boss"

"I wish he'd stop making a scene in the street" Flamingo groaned.

"Oh lay off it, Flamingo; it livens the village up" Boar snaps at his kohai. Hiashi-sama had informed Flaming that he had to strive to be the next commander as the village couldn't survive if Kitsune ascertained the position. While Flamingo agreed, even with Kitsune's behavior the entire forces- even he himself to be honest- loved the brat. It appeared Konoha had only a few years left before utter chaos. And if Konohamaru made Hokage…Flamingo shuddered to imagine what the village would be like then.

"Shit- code RAMEN!" One ANBU cried in panic breaking the light mood.

 **Back with Naruto and Pein, moments before…**

"First you steal my dreams, convert my men to your cult, taunt me during my vacation, and now you forsake our ancestors by claiming DANGO is 'God's gift to mortals? Fool! RAMEN is the divine dish."

"You eat foxes" Naruto pointed an accusatory finger at the man. Pein furrowed his brow.

"No! I eat RAMEN- an ancient tradition of our clan. Legends speak of the sage himself gifting us with the heavenly dish"

Inside the seal Kurama banged his head on the bars.

 _ **First my container is crazy and still believes I'm a rabbit. Now ANOTHER Uzumaki believes that stupid lie that my father introduced the heathen dish. I must stop the gaki from tasting any ramen- I can't take another generation of drowning in that disgusting dish.**_

"Hokage-jiji says ramen is made with fox meat- you monster" Naruto claimed. Pein blinked. He then let his mouth hang open.

And he laughed. He laughed like nothing before, as the Rinnegan user was in hysterics. Pein wasn't sure how his relative managed to take down his group while being such a dimwitted and trusting child, but he had a sense he didn't want to know.

"I assure you, ramen is not made out of foxes but noodles, broth, and meat like chicken, beef, or pork- no foxes"

"But Hokage-jiji" Naruto began and Pein thought fast, and remembered the ramen stand he'd just eaten at.

"Only ate ramen from Iwa. The ramen from a restaurant I know around here is local- no fox meat." He assured.

"Oh, so Iwa is a bunch of fox killers? I should have known!" Pein smirked as the boy seemed to accept this. _Excellent, my new recruit in the divinity that is ramen-sama._ "Now it's time to learn about our genetic addiction" grabbing the boy's shoulder the two shunshin away.

 **Office…**

"Apprehend Kitsune before he takes his first bite" Sarutobi ordered. All around the ANBU gave grave nods. "If he tastes ramen the village budget is doomed. If you thought his Dango fetish was horrendous, you clearly have never witnessed an Uzumaki with their ramen."

"Umm, Hokage-sama? Surely it couldn't be that bad. I mean, he's only ten; how bad could it be" Tenzo questioned but cowered under the combined killing intent. After a moment Sarutobi sighed.

"Tenzo. You were not around during Kushina's life span. Her appetite for ramen equaled several C rank mission pays **per day**. With her metabolism from having the Kyubi sealed inside her she would always feel hungry- already Naruto's metabolism is _twice_ her pace, which is why meal supplements have always been injected into his food and drinks. Now, imagine his appetite geared only towards ramen." Tenzo paled and bowed.

"My apologies Hokage-sama."

"No need. Men! Whatever you do, do NOT let Naruto taste ramen. Sedatives, nets, and jutsu are allowed. Anko, go pick up Dango to lure him away and distract him; Boar, go pick up Shin from the Uchihas as it is common knowledge he can convince Naruto of anything; and Kakashi" Said man looked his leader in the eye. "Don't let our guest figure it out. If need be have Sai henge into Naruto."

"Yes, Hokage-sama!" Were the unanimous salutes.

 **Again with the pair…**

"And once you ingest your first bite you'll never go back again" Pein insisted while being giddy with anticipation. It was a tradition for the older clan members to treat the youngest to their first bowl of ramen as a sort of rite of passage.

"Hmm, if you say so" Naruto mumbled, a dango stick in his mouth. A tick mark grew on the older man.

"Never doubt the ramen. We're almost there." Soon they reached the small restaurant, run by the Akimichi clan. However…

"Closed as the owner is 'lost on the road of life'? Is he related to Inu-nii?" Naruto asked. Pein face palmed at the owner's poor excuse of a sign, only mildly curious as to why there was blood splatters in it.

"Come on. There are three other places that sell ramen, I'm sure at least one of them will be open for business." Dragging the ANBU along Pein grumbled for being denied his fix.

 **Meanwhile, with Sasuke…**

Sasuke clutched his head in the Uchiha compound dojo.

"Again!" Came Itachi's stern order as he gripped the switch in his hand.

"Hn." Sasuke tried, only to be swatted again.

"That was 'Hn' number four- you were aiming for number ninety three. This time, make the beginning more grunting in nature." Sasuke puffed his cheeks as he failed yet again. Itachi rubbed the bridge of his nose before plopping down gracefully in front of his little brother. "Sasuke, I know you haven't had the opportunity to master Uchihaese like I have- you were young when I had to leave, hn. I will walk you through it though, but you have to be willing to learn. Do we have a deal?" Sasuke paused for a moment and stared into Itachi's passive eyes.

"Hn." He replied after a moment. Itachi lifted his mouth slightly.

"Correct; let us move onto the Uchiha variations of 'The Smirk', an essential part of being an Uchiha."  
"But nii-san, what about jutsu and shurikenjutsu?" Sasuke whined a bit.

"Foolish little brother. How do you expect to beat your opponents? Through fancy jutsu and weapons?"

"Uh… yeah actually" Sasuke admitted, confused. Itachi face palmed.

"Foolish little brother! No, jutsu and weapons only make up one percent of battles."

"What's the other ninety nine percent?"  
"Hn. The art of 'pissing your opponent off until they make a mistake. And father always said no one can tick their opponent off better than an Uchiha."

"But… most bad guys won't be able to tell what our Uchihaese means" Sasuke pointed out.

"Ah, but that's why you have team mates learn to decipher it- I forced Kisame to do it by threatening his pet fish" Itachi smiled at the memory.

"Wait…is that why you tied up those two in the corner?" He pointed to a hog tied Shin and Sai struggling against the ropes.

"Yes, hn. One of them will be on your squad as both tie for 'dead last' currently. I figured you would appreciate them being broken in early."

"No, please don't make me work with them" Sasuke begged with tears.

"Oh, little brother, must you be so dramatic?" Itachi asked mournfully. His only response was a loud wail. Well, best not tell him about the _other_ part of his genin squad. Sasuke just might run away to Orochimaru if he heard about the Hokage's plan.

"Itachi-sempai, I need to borrow Shin for a bit- a code Ramen has been issued." Boar interrupted Itachi from his musings. The elder Uchiha jolted at Boar's words.

"I understand. Hn, Sasuke, stay here. Our village needs me" Itachi left the dojo to don his battle gear- code ramen couldn't be failed.

Meanwhile, Shin was just gasping as his bindings were undone. He glared at Boar as he was the one who handed him off to Itachi as punishment for the Dango.

"Oh lay off of it. We need you to work your magic and convince Kitsune that ramen is evil" Boar ordered. Shin gave a blank agreement but inside he was cackling.

He'd show them not to pawn him off to the damn Uchiha after a month long cat sitting mission.

 **With Naruto…**

Naruto's stomach growled as the second of the three places that sold ramen were closed, this time because 'A tree babysat my kid last night and now she planted herself in the ground and won't come out in order to grow'- really Naruto couldn't believe how many relatives Inu-nii had.

As Pein pulled on his hair a fluttering of movement captured his attention.

"Ooh" Naruto cooed as the scent of his favorite type of Dango wafted towards him. "Must find it" he declared. A hand pops out of a nearby alley with a Dango stick. "God must be rewarding me with free Dango!" And with that Naruto blindly followed the Dango while leaving his assignment alone in the streets to curse the heavens.

"Well, Kitsune, there's still the famous 'Ichiraku' stand. We'll head there…Kitsune?" Pein glanced down to see empty space where the ANBU used to be. He sniffed the air. "Dango" he growled. "Of course the witches of Dango would arise to prevent an Uzumaki from his birthright! After centuries of failure they managed to entrap a young Uzumaki into their webs of lies . Hang on cousin, I may wish you dead, but no one deserves to die before tasting the heavenly dish".

Making a promise Pein unleashes his Rinnegan sensing.

 **End! Part two will be longer, promise. How was this one though? I hope you guys enjoyed it, because it was fun to take a break from packing to write. Anyways, let me know about the next fan fic, after next chapter only one or two more till the camp, and then after that the assassination mission!**


	32. Chapter 32

**Chapter 32**

 **AN: Part two of Nagato's attempted conversion to ramen! College is going well, and my other fic is really working out! Again, just so you all are aware, I am mainly focusing on my other fic, as this one's comedy story line isn't that difficult to put down for awhile and come back to. Anyway, onto the 'Code Ramen'.**

 **With Naruto…**

Naruto was in heaven, a mountain of dango was before him and the best part was no one was around to steal it! He wisely ignored the fact that a fortune worth of the dish was in an abandoned warehouse outside the village, or that he was getting sleepy; dango tended to wipe what little common sense he had away.

In the shadows various ANBU were sighing in relief. Their mascot had taken the bait and would soon be in for a long nap while Kakashi's team smoothed over the Nagato situation by offering up complimentary ramen and claiming Kitsune had a dire mission. He didn't need to know that 'dire mission' was a two day long nap in base to keep Naruto away from his relative.

"Cousin! I've come to rescue you" Nagato burst into the ware house after using his chakra sensing to seek out his tiny relative, and the ANBU tensed. Flamingo sent a quiet urgent message to Boar to hurry up with getting Sai in place and making Shin cooperate. "Kitsune…" Nagato tried, only to notice Naruto starting to tip. "Sedatives! Kitsune, spit that vile substance out! And you all, in the shadows: how dare you poison my cousin." Nagato would have used jutsu on them but being a non criminal leader prevented him from just breaching the contract anytime he wanted.

"Oh, Nagato? Go away, the dango calls" Naruto wailed as he struggled against his cousin's hold in vain. Nagato shook his head.

"Not until you have ramen, you little monster- er cousin. Come along, we have a date with Ichirakus." As the pair left the various ANBU slipped out as well to move onto plan B, seeing as plan A was an unfortunate failure.

"I said, take your sign and leave, Kakashi. I didn't close shop for the Kyubi attack, and I won't close it for you" An irate Teuchi glowered at the copy ninja who was holding out a wad of cash.

"Hokage-same has agreed to triple this pay- enough to send your daughter to civilian culinary classes, or even retire! Please, Teuchi, I'm begging you." The old ramen vendor just brandished his knife and turned back to his shop.

Nagato and Naruto appeared in time to see Kakashi attempt to shove the money in Teuchi's hands while said man pushed it away. The rinnegan user sweat dropped at the display but cleared his throat.

"Oh, Amekage-sama! Back for more? Please, sit down, and who's this?" Teuchi asked, looking at the cloaked Naruto who Nagato dumped without ceremony into the stool next to him.

"…my body guard." He said after a moment. "That, and the little heathen has never eaten ramen before so we'll have a bowl of each kind." Teuchi paled at the tall orders.

"I'm grateful for the business but isn't that too much? He looks rather young. Wait, you're the famous 'Kitsune of the Will of Fire'- said to have taken down a criminal organization and cleared Itachi Uchiha's name! You're famous. Ninja and villagers are all wondering who you are, and there's bets on how old you actually are." the vendor looked at the dimmunitive ANBU in something close to awe. Naruto did a victory sign an stood up.

"Heh, legends speak of my legends! From the east to the west, to the north and the south! Spreading the truth of Konoha and the goodness that is Dango! Bringing Konoha and the Ninja Ostrich summons fame, Kitsune is my name, future ANBU commander is my game!" With a final fist bump and a cheesy grin nobody could see Naruto sat back down. Nagato's eye twitched violently.

"My master plan was taken down…by this moron." He muttered. Banging his head on the counter the red head began wondering what he did to deserve this.

"My my, your introduction is very enthusiastic" Teuchi praised. "First bowl is on the house, boy! We'll convert you to ramen soon enough!"

"Please do. At least I won't have failed that" Nagato pleaded. Meanwhile, Kakashi cursed.

"Activate plan B" he whispered in a headset. Just as a bowl was placed in front of the dango addict he felt a pull and found himself blinking in an alley way, Flamingo and Boar grabbing him. They pull out a shot.

"Time for a nap, Kitsune" Flamingo said in a sweet voice, and Naruto gulped.

"No thanks, sempais, I'm on a mission and anyway shots are yucky!" He struggled but Boar held tight.

"Tsk, tsk, a future commander can't be afraid of needles can they?"

"I'll have Konohamaru outlaw them when he's Hokage and then it won't matter!" Naruto declared, and Flamingo had to face palm as that sounded exactly like something Konohamaru would do for Naruto.

"Almighty pull!" was heard and Naruto found himself once again in a new location, this time in Nagato's clutches.

Sai was having a hard time not sweating when he switched with his friend. He really didn't get what the big deal was if Naruto tried ramen but orders were orders. Once the food arrived the disguised Sai slowly took his first bite, carefully ignoring the powerful pair of eyes watching his every move.

"Well?" The man asked expectantly.

"It is…good?" Sai tried. They didn't prep him on how to act and no one could be Naruto except Naruto. To be so insane yet functional was a trait impossible to anyone but the blonde. That's when his supposed 'target's' eyes flashed red.

"You're not him. Almighty push! Almighty pull!" And Sai would forever swear that he saw his life flash as he soared above the village, landing in a pond on the other side of town.

"It appears they'll need my brother" Sai commented to himself while drying off. "Hopefully Shin will actually do his job without going overboard."  
 **Back at the ramen stand…**

Before Naruto could taste the ramen that did in fact smell heavenly once he was sat down once more, Tora jumped onto the counter and a mob of chickens descended onto the restaurant, Shin brandishing his tanto while riding one.

"FOR KONOHA!" Shin screamed, and Tora screeched. The mass of feathers and beaks converged as one.

"Chicken super style: thousand years of agony swarm!" They clucked. Nagato whitened and substituted with the nearest object out of the way, leaving his cousin and the stand to face chicken fury.

Hey, a little petty revenge was healthy for a ninja after all.

 **Minutes later…**

Naruto and Flamingo were covered in bird poop, ramen broth, and feather, mixed with blood from various cuts. Tora hissed at Shin, who was standing with a smirk over her.

"Take that, demon! Shin forty six, Tora zero!" Shin cackled and left. Flamingo got up slowly, trying to preserve his Hyuga dignity.

"With Dignity, always Dignity" he chanted to himself. "Kitsune, you're relieved of your mission. Boar-san will escort your charge for the day." Naruto nodded mutely and left for a shower, still numb from the barrage. "Why couldn't he switch with Boar! The Bastard loves getting dirty, but noooo, he had to drag me into this!" Flamingo ranted as Naruto left.

Nagato himself stood in shock as the sacred temple of ramen was desecrated. He barely noticed or cared as the copy ninja consoled a weeping Teuchi with money and promises of rebuilding the stand.

"Ahahaha! You gotta love Shin, he's insane!" Boar cackled next to his new charge. Nagato turned mechanically towards him.

"That…monster was named Shin?" He asked.

"Yeah, he's an academy student" Boar said, giving the grey haired teen's cover story.

"…AN ACADEMY STUDENT?!"

"Yes, is there a problem? Don't worry Hokage-sama will have some take out ramen delivered to your room tonight."

"No, no problem. But if that's your academy students, I dare say Ame would lose any conflict against your village."

 **With Shin…**

"You were supposed to stop him from eating it, not destroy the restaurant" Sarutobi scolded the young operative in front of him. To his annoyance- and slight fascination- the boy grinned.

"Yes, but where's the fun in that?" Next to Sarutobi Danzo face palmed.

"I should have left him in the orphanage" his rival muttered.

 **Two days later…**

The two Uzumakis faced each other at the gates, Naruto munching on dango.

"Take care, cousin" Nagato finally said. Naruto bounced.

"Yep! I come to Ame for your birthday in December we'll get to know one another better!"

"Please don't, you don't have to-"

"And Shin, Sai, and I will get you a gift!" he finished while glossing over his older cousin's interruption. Nagato shrank back when he heard the first name.

"A-all three of you? E-even that, that demon? Shin is your 'sempai'?"

"Hmm? Yep! He's great" Naruto said with cheer. Nagato turned without a word and started walking quickly.

"Damn it, everything wrong with the world links back to HIM!" The rinnegan user wailed as he made his way home and pulled out his hair. "And worse, if I put them in the bingo books or ban them, Kitsune is likely to turn my entire country against me- all while laughing and eating that commoner's food."

Meanwhile, the other ANBU had already left, leaving Naruto to stare fondly after his cousin.

"Hey, kohai" Shin greeted, dropping down with a sealed bowl.

"Hey, sempai. What's that?" Naruto asked and cocked his head.

"Oh, just some of the Shinigami's personal favorite dish. Want to try some?"

"YATTA! Yes, yes, yes! Give me!" Naruto swiped the bowl and took a bite.

Instantly the world became nothing but a void, the only glow being the heaven that was in front of him. "I repent, oh great deliciousness, for I had followed the false god of dango before thee came along." Shin smirked as his kohai fell in love.

This will teach those bastards to make him babysit a cat and then let the Uchiha get him.

 **End. Kinda short, but again school and my other fic are the most important. Oh, can anyone guess where the 'Dignity' reference is from? Hint: think musicals.**

 **Ps. Here's a preview…**

The various Konoha ANBU squads were gathered in the commander's office, each giving off the calm vibe of the trained killers they were.

"I'm sure you are all aware why I've called you here" Dragon said in a grave voice. All the ANBU nodded. "Today is the day we split up into groups…"

"It's already time" Kakashi mused.

"Yes, it's time for the thirtieth annual 'ANBU shinobi tournament!" All the opporatives buzzed in excitement. One particular extra so.

"OOH! Me, me! Which squad am I on!" Naruto shouted. That's when it hit the various elites.

Naruto was never in the tournament before as for the first couple of years he was too young and the last couple he was either sick or on a 'Iruka spying mission'.

Naruto was free this year.

But the teams were even.

"Er, you are the mascot, Kitsune, and you'll get to cheer. Just until you're older, why don't you take the day off." Dragon said placently. The blonde pouted but nodded, and left to go bug Shin, who was strangely always sporting new bruises and muttering 'it was so worth it' lately since his cousin left. A tense silence fell on the group as the youngest disappeared. "Now that he's gone," Dragon said, and held up a money box, "who's going to fish out the most to have the mascot cheer for their team?"

"…" All of them sent hidden glares.

"US!" Each team screamed, fishing out all their money. Dragon sighed happily; his apprentice would make him rich.

 **End, again! This is the preview for the next chapter, so I hope you guys will like it! I might revise it a tad, but the idea is there. Enjoy your week!**


	33. Chapter 33

**Chapter 33**

 **AN: I'm back! I've been over worked with school and updating From Academy to ANBU, so I figured I could give a quick chapter to y'all today.**

 **ANBU HQ (Preview from last chapter, fyi):**

The various Konoha ANBU squads were gathered in the commander's office, each giving off the calm vibe of the trained killers they were.

"I'm sure you are all aware why I've called you here" Dragon said in a grave voice. All the ANBU nodded. "Today is the day we split up into groups…"

"It's already time" Kakashi mused.

"Yes, it's time for the thirtieth annual 'ANBU shinobi tournament!" All the operatives buzzed in excitement. One particular extra so.

"OOH! Me, me! Which squad am I on!" Naruto shouted. That's when it hit the various elites.

Naruto was never in the tournament before as for the first couple of years he was too young and the last couple he was either sick or on a 'Iruka spying mission'.

Naruto was free this year.

But the teams were even.

"Er, you are the mascot, Kitsune, and you'll get to cheer. Just until you're older, why don't you take the day off." Dragon said placentally. The blonde pouted but nodded, and left to go bug Shin, who was strangely always sporting new bruises and muttering 'it was so worth it' lately since his cousin left. A tense silence fell on the group as the youngest disappeared. "Now that he's gone," Dragon said, and held up a money box, "who's going to fish out the most to have the mascot cheer for their team?"

"…" All of them sent hidden glares.

"US!" Each team screamed, fishing out all their money. Dragon sighed happily; his apprentice would make him rich.

 **With Naruto…**

"Man, I just wanted to be in the tournament too. Why can't I join in?" Naruto crossed his arms while marching down the street. Civilians looked at him weird, as seeing ANBU out and about was rare, even if over the last couple of years strange sightings of tiny masked ninja doing insane things had circulated.

"Hey, kohai, what's got you down?" Naruto turned to see Shin sporting a new cat scratch and slight limp.

"Sempai!" The blonde greeted. "The other ANBU won't let me be in the annual 'ANBU shinobi tournament!' They said I'm just the mascot but I wanted to participate" he wailed.

"Oh, Root has those too. Our events are 'who can remain emotionless the longest' and the 'meditation dance party'. I never do well at those kinds of things…hm, how to get you into the ANBU event…" Shin put on his thinking pose an hummed.

"Aha! I've got an idea!" The grey haired boy proclaimed, causing the entire ANBU forces as well as the Kami and Yami of shinobi to shiver in fear. "Let's put together our own team of four and enter!"

"Yatta! Think we'll win?" Naruto asked. Shin gave a cocky smirk and laugh.

"Of course! Our team will kick so much ass and take so many names that they'll let us out Danzo-teme's camp in two weeks. Mwahaha, and then they'll all bow before the power of 'Shin and his Lackeys!" The insane duo struck a pose and ran off to collect their third team mate.

Sai carefully drew the outline for his newest creation. His boss summons preened while waiting for his summoner to finish.

"Almost there, Sora-sama." Sai promised, deep in conversation. The butterfly in front of him was poised just so. All that was left was one last brush stroke of the wings and then-

"LITTLE BROTHER!" Shin dropped from the sky and onto Sai. The butterfly bolted and Sai's perfect afternoon shattered quicker than the village's budget once Naruto discovered ramen.

"…Brother, Kitsune…what the hell?" Sai asked in a dangerous tone. The owl summons dispersed as its summoner looked ready to dispatch some violence.

"Ehehe, Sai, we were just wondering if you'd like to be on our team for the ANBU shinobi tournament?" Naruto somehow gave the pale boy the puppy dog eyes without removing his mask- Sai suspected genjutsu or secret technique- and whined. "Pleeaaaase?"

"Yes, little brother, pllleaaaase?" Shin joined Naruto, going so far as getting on his knees.

Sai tried to remember his emotional training; such poor attempts at begging shouldn't work on him, and after their blatant disregard for his art he should send a tsunami of super beast scrolls after them.

But those eyes…

"Very well then, but!" Sai held a hand up to halt the cheers. "It is known that the event requires four people to enter; who's our fourth member?" Here Naruto waved his hand absently.

"Psh, I have the eleven eared rabbit within me! I'm a two for one package."

 **Gaki, I've told you, I'M A NINE TAILED FOX!** Kurama roared from the seal. Ever since the pair had met Kurama had been subjugated the humiliating title from his host.

 _Then why are there two rabbit ears on your head and nine really long ones coming out your back?_ Naruto mentally asked. It seemed obvious to him.

 **Grr, those are TAILS! Oh, kami, what did I do to deserve having such a stupid host? Was it those extra humans I ate all those years ago? Was it that time I threw Shukaku in the ocean?**

 _Well I just see you as you really are- a rabbit! You're plenty scary without pretending to be a fox._

 **I-I'm not pretending to be a fox, I AM a fox!** Kurama insisted. The blonde just shook his head and left. One day he'd get his furry friend to embrace the real him.

Back outside only a couple of seconds had passed and the Root brothers shared looks of confusion mixed with disbelief. Sai eventually worked up the courage to speak.

"Despite your tailed beast being…an eleven eared rabbit… the rules specifically state four PEOPLE, as in humans. So we need a fourth." Sai spoke, the voice of reason.

"What about Danzo-jiji?" Naruto tried, but the pair winced.

"Not wise"

"No chance in hell."

"Well then…ooh! I got it!" Naruto cackled and bolted towards his pick, Sai and Shin flapping in the wind behind him.

 **Meanwhile, back with the ANBU…**

"So, it's come to this." Kakashi had his Sharingan active, glaring at the person threatening to take away his happiness.

"So it seems, sempai." Tenzo was standing amongst a small enclave of vines and roots, swaying dangerously. The pair were leading separate squads for the tournament, and they both bet the maximum their budgets allowed, ending in a dead tie. Around them the black ops held their breaths, wondering what would happen.

"I won't let you take Kitsune's luck for your side! Tenzooo" Kakashi let out a battle cry and charged with a kunai.

"KAKASHIII" Tenzo met his pace with his own kunai. The once friends and now enemies went for the kill…

 **Day of the opening event…**

"I'm sorry, Kitsune, but you can't enter." Commander Dragon informed his bubbly apprentice who had walked in with his team.

"W-what! Why not? I have a team." The commander cursed his luck, but decided to come clean of sorts.

"Um, see…Oh! Well, your Kakashi-nii's squad is relying on your cheers to help them win. You wouldn't want to let him down, would you?" Dragon made sure to sound heartbroken that Naruto would abandon his duty to cheer. Tenzo could be heard muttering 'Technically he should be cheering for my team, as it was a tie and Kakashi cheated' but it was too soft to be heard by the commander.

"I might have a suggestion, hn." A quiet but authoritative voice interjected. "Why not let one of Kitsune's clones support the squad that won your betting pool?"

"That could work, Itachi. Hmm, new plan! Kitsune, make thirty two clones, one for each team! Everyone: any team that wants their own personal mascot clone cheering them on, prices start at fifteen thousand ryo!" Money started hitting the commander and clone after clone that Naruto made was carried off.

Ten minutes a much richer Dragon turned back towards Naruto.

"Yes, anyways, what's your team name?" He asked, holding the clipboard up. Shin smirked and pulled out matching t-shirts that the quartet pulled over their armor- borrowed in Itachi's case- before pointing to the label. Loudly Shin shouted.

"Listen here, losers! My name is Shin" Momentarily angry shouts of 'they let that bastard in' and 'we know our nemesis's name' covered the grey haired youth's dramatic speech. "Achem! Anyway, my squad will beat every one of you! Team 'Shin and his lackies: Will of Fire edition' is dominating this event! For we have with us, the high priest of the WILL OF FIRE!"

 **Meanwhile…**

Up in the Hokage's tower, Sarutobi and Danzo face palmed.

"Just two more weeks, my friend" Sarutobi placated Danzo when the man twitched towards various weapons.

"…tell me, Hiruzen, how dangerous it is to let a trio of ten-twelve year olds live that can make Itachi do _that._ " The darkness of shinobi pointed to the ball that showed Itachi wearing the 'team shirt' in pink, striking a matching pose with the three, victory signs in place. A banner proclaiming the team's slogan hung over them.

"…that is the most disturbing thing I've ever seen. However, you can have your fun in two weeks; they're insane, yes, but they're an effective team."

"Tell me one mission they haven't screwed up, Hiruzen." Danzo deadpanned.

"…be that as it may, we need them alive."

"Why must you be the voice of reason?"  
"Just be happy Naruto is too occupied this week to gorge on ramen."

"Small mercies considering" Danzo replied dryly. Hiruzen sighed dramatically.

"In this world we'll take what we can get. Now, has your Root confirmed that Zabuza Momichi is leading the Kiri rebellion under Konoha's flag?"

 **End! Sooo, I hope y'all liked it. If you have any suggestions or preferences for events in the 'ANBU tournament" please let me know! I have a couple of ideas but h the more the merrier. Also, I wanted to make Naruto and Kurama's relationship humerous (and Kurama does resemble a rabbit in my humble opinion) so hence him being mistaken for an 'eleven eared rabbit' lol. Finally, go check out my other fic 'From Academy to ANBU' and 'Kakashi's Mini-me' to tide y'all over till the next installment. Have a super duper amazing week everyone.**


	34. Chapter 34

**Chapter 34**

 **AN: Another wacky adventure, readers! Just a shout out to 'Heart: Guest' for all their reviews- I really like them! All of them are super short but they make me laugh, so thanks! Now, onward, to the 'ANBU shinobi Tournament'!**

 **Start of the Tournament:**

"For the first event we'll be on a long jump contest, with the combined length of each team equaling their score. The top sixteen teams will advance to the second round. Now, the first person from each team line up!" The commander mentally patted himself on the back: Kitsune's team had three children, and no way would their jumps be large enough to advance, even with chakra. Then, Dragon could have the squads haggle for the one and only Kitsune as their mascot for the second round. Brilliant!

Meanwhile, Shin was in a huddle with his team plus Itachi.

"Alright, Priest-kohai, brother…Itachi, it's time for our plan to be put into action. Itachi, you're sure that the rules allow this?" Itachi nodded.

"Hn, yes, there's nothing against it in the book. In fact, none of these events have any real set of rules, it is just tradition to not try what you're planning."

"Excellent. Brother, you go first, then me, then Itachi, and finally Priest-kohai. Now, who are we?" He asked, starting the chant.

"Konoha ninja!"

"And what do we do?" Sai continued.

"Triumph!"

"Because that's" Naruto asked the final part.

"OUR WILL OF FIRE!" They finished together.

Sai was outwardly calm as he lined up with thirty two other shinobi, all over a foot taller than him. Inwardly, he was a sea of uncertainty, as the jumping course…was a gaping chasm, with spikes at various intervals for landing. If one misjudged the distance they were capable of, death awaited them five hundred meters down.

Of course, as ANBU/Root, they would be able to save themselves, but there was still the 'what if' that plagued Sai.

"Oh, Sai, here: stand on this spot, there's a close by spike you can land on" Boar said from next to the pale boy. The older black op's believed that Sai, being the sensible one in the group of their Mascot's friends, would gladly move.

Sai may have been sensible, but his pride, the pride of his team, rested on his shoulders. So instead the pale boy gave the older shinobi a creepy smile.

"Thank you, but I am fine; after all, I'm light enough to soar to the other side in one jump."

"ON YOUR MARKS" Interrupted the argument budding. Sai shifted into his stance. "GET SET!" He mentally marked the distance to the cliff, and the distance between the two sides: five hundred meters, he calculated. Hardly anyone went the full distance, but on SHL: WoF edition, all four of them would. His brother decreed it. "GO!"

Sai, along with the ANBU, shot forth like arrows, but the other ANBU's longer legs permitted them to over take him quickly. However, this was a test of distance, not speed.

Reaching the edge Sai didn't stop and felt himself flying over the updraft.

 _NOW!_ He mentally shouted and activated the plan.

Explosions alerted the other ANBU still jumping or perching on various spikes. They looked up, ready for an attack, only to see Sai being blasted clear to the other side, landing in an ungraceful heap.

But still on the other side, something none of them had been able to do.

Sai panted heavily, relieved it worked. Throwing small grade explosive notes and over loading them with chakra produced a large backlash that propelled Sai back, but it could have just torn him apart.

"Oi! Brother, nice landing" Shin called from the starting point. Naruto gave his own praise, while Itachi gave a tilt of his head so small Sai couldn't tell it was there.

Minutes later, Sai was back with his team, but Dragon was not happy.

"What the hell was that?! The rules"

"Say nothing against this. The description is: Using your own skill set and no other teammates, jump as far across the chasm. Sai here has done exactly as you asked, hn. He has a skill of over loading explosive notes, it's not his fault if the others do not wish to use their abilities to the fullest" Itachi informed the commander dryly. Sai gave the man an innocent smile.

"…fine. But: NO more explosive notes!" He ordered. _There,_ Dragon assured himself, _They don't have another plan, I'll bet_. ANBU around him resisted the urge to kill Shin when the boy stuck his tounge out mockingly. "NEXT!"

 **Shin's turn…**

"Here, Shin, you can have this spot!" Someone said, pushing the grey haired shinobi to the spot with the furthest first spike. Their nemesis wouldn't die, the ANBU reasoned- they weren't that lucky- but he'd fail if he didn't make a spike.

"Tsk, to think you have such faith in I, Shin the Great! Alright, let's do this." The ANBU sputtered in response. Grinning manically the Root agent ran full speed ahead once the go ahead was given, catapulting off the side in abandon.

Shin spread his arms out in a mocking way as he soared. Then, with practiced aim, he flung a kunai to the other side. Once it was close he switched with it, landing gracefully. Turning to face the gob smocked ANBU, one of which had managed to reach the ledge with him, Shin did an exaggerated bow.

"Thank you, thank you!" Shin said.

"That bastard"

"Was that even legal?"

"Breaking tradition!"

"Our nemesis is crafty alright"

"Maybe my team should try that" A final ANBU said.

Dragon was banging his head on the clipboard by this point. The only good thing was the mascot clones were doing their jobs, giving their respective teams exuberant cheers before they lined up each time. The commander noticed Itachi was next on the list and groaned: Itachi didn't _need_ any 'tricks', he'd just blow the other teams out of the water.

 **Itachi's turn…**

Itachi gracefully landed in a perfect crouch. The jump had been easy, and he found himself frowning when no one else made it so easily. Oh well, not everyone had as high standards as himself.

 **With the other teams, right before Naruto's turn…**

"Alright, team, with the Mascot next we have to selvedge some pride; if Kitsune beats us we'll never hear the end of it" Tenzo whispered to his team. "So, since I'm next I'll…"

Kakashi lazily stared at his squad.

"Yugao, Hayate, you both made it to the other side, and Mouse, you reached three quarters. We're the best except for Naruto's team, so to use a shunshin to make the distance and then some. I'll shunshin far onto the other cliff to make up the score. If they're cheating, so will we." His team nodded gravely.

"Good luck, captain." They said.

Ibiki glared at his team.

"I won't be losing to Kitsune: what kind of mentor would lose to his apprentice?" Anko sniggered.

"But sir, he's Dragon's apprentice."

"Not for long! Soon, Kitsune will realize that T and I is the place for him, and then Dragon-teme will finally lose to me at something." Ibiki gave a dark chuckle at his own thoughts.

 **Naruto's turn…**

Sandwiched between two of his favorite sempai's, Tenzo and Kakashi, Naruto was vibrating in anticipation.

 _Hey, Bunny, watch me beat my sempais!_

 **Gaki, for the billionth time, I don't like being called a BUNNY! I'm a Fox. F-O-X, Say it with me.**

Kurama attempted, but Naruto tuned him out and focused forward when Dragon declared start.

Naruto tried to run forward, but found himself tripping over a root.

 _Tenzo-nii._ Naruto deduced, and growled. He shook it off and gave another start, avoiding various roots that popped up.

Tenzo was getting nervous: Naruto had yet to make it to the ledge but at this rate he could still get a long enough head start to jump, and then pull what ever insanity he was planning and reach the other side. Suddenly, an idea struck.

"Kitsune! Shin has ramen!" Tenzo tried. Naruto screeched to a halt and prepared to abandon his task.

"RAMMMEN!" The Uzumaki ramen addict screamed, only to be interrupted by Shin.

"PRIEST-KOHAI! Go further than anyone else and I'll buy you ten bowls!"

That stopped all thoughts of giving up. Naruto paused, took a deep breath, and set out.

Five meters from the side he pumped more chakra into his feet.

One meter from the side he vaulted up.

Half way over he ran through seals. "Wind style: Great Breakthrough!" Naruto called, and pushed the chakra down, its lift carrying him far onto the other ledge, past several other ANBU including an irate Kakashi who had used four shunshins to win, plopping fifty meters further than the cyclops.

"YATTA! I DID IT! RAMEN-SAMA, HERE I COOOME!" The blonde squealed and then cleared the canyon like chasm AGAIN but with pure chakra and excitement.

Meanwhile, one hundred and twenty nine ANBU shared one thought:

 _Shin, you bastard._ For not only had they lost, but Naruto's overpowered jutsu had knocked everyone in the canyon off their spike save for Ibiki, who was pointedly ignoring his rival's taunts of 'how does it feel to lose to a ten year old'?

 **Hokage's office…**

Hiruzen Sarutobi deactivated his crystal ball once Dragon picked his jaw off the ground when Naruto had done his second jump.

"Naruto has grown a lot, being able to go that distance" the aged Hokage mused.

"Perhaps, or its just that the banes of my existence defy logic. First Sai survives, then this? Ludicrous." Danzo snorted.

 **Somewhere in Rice…**

Orochimaru read the report from Kabuto and a note from his mole Mizuki.

"Kukukuku, everything is going according to plan. Itachi being back might be a problem to destroy Konoha in a few years, but then…" Orochimaru turned a page to read over the file on the Jinchuuriki, Naruto Uzumaki. Kabuto had to sneak around for months to get the information the sannin wanted, and it wasn't complete, but it was finally in his lap. Turning his head to the new headbands he'd had made, Orochimaru chuckled. "Otogakure is my dream village, after all, and what proper village has no Jinchuuriki? He's the personal favorite of my old sensei too, oh how delicious, and he's known for being not all there, an easy target." Drafting a note for Kabuto to keep an eye out for opertunities to grab the child and bring him to Oto, Orochimaru sat back in contentment.

"Orochimaru-sama, the three headed cat is loose again!" A subordinate cried.

 _Oh well_ , the sanin mused, _time to get to work_.

 **End! I planned on writing the next two challenges but it took awhile to start writing and I have to go to a night class for a test soon. Sooo, I added in the Orochimaru scene a chapter early. A bit of foreshadowing, eh? This is an AU, so why wouldn't Orochimaru think Naruto could be caught, if not turned? He is a ten year old, and I didn't put in his whole reasoning for believing it possible to turn Naruto yet. So, a couple of things:**

 **Again, thank you for all the reviews so far! I'm sad I can't update this one as much anymore, but I enjoy writing it still.**

 **How will Orochimaru's Otogakure stand against Naruto? Will he capture Naruto? And does he really want to, once he gets the story on him stopping the Akatsuki (remember, the file isn't complete but Orochimaru will find out soon.)**

 **The next challenge is a scavenger hunt, ANBU style. Any items they should find? The more ludicrous the better!**

 **Have a great week everyone!**


	35. Chapter 35

**Chapter 35**

 **AN: Hi everyone, I got a bit stuck on this, and school/ATA, but then my wonderful friend gave a solution. So, here it is, enjoy!**

 **ANBU Tournament, Second Event…**

Sixteen teams lined up, each group of four holding breaths at the sight of their next target: a two mile long obstacle course in four stages, one for each member. From what they could see, the first part alone held swinging axes and a fabled Ombu, frothing at the mouth.

Huddled into a circle, Naruto's team planned their strategy to conquer the trial.

"Hn, these courses are the same every year: the first part is for the most nimble and experienced, which would be"

"Me of course. So glad you think so Itachi-chan" Shin boasted and puffed out his chest. Itachi and Sai sweat dropped before the Uchiha cleared his throat.

"Actually it's me. The next stage is a battle of wit, meaning that the best choice would be"

"Me! The great Shin is a master of wit."

"…Sai will be taking that challenge. No, you, Shin, are in charge of the third stage- fighting an enemy. We don't know who it will be- one year when Shisui and I were on the same squad he fought a celery stalk- but you can handle it." Before Shin could grumble any retorts, Naruto put his face inches from Itachi's, eyes huge through the mask.

"Ooh, me! Me! What am I going to do?!" Shaking in anticipation, the blonde didn't notice the flashes of light as various ANBU got black mail pictures of Itachi freaking Uchiha falling against the tiny ANBU's 'jutsu'.

"Um…." Itachi thought. The last phase had always just been a final dash to the finish line, a simple race. Naruto's part wasn't even essential to win, as long as he crossed to the finish line. However, telling him that would dampen his spirit, so Itachi racked his brain for a viable lie.

"Come on, sempai! What super amazing thing am I doing? Am I in a fight? Or even a scavenger hunt?"

"…No, you're not. You're in something much better, hn! You have to dash for the finish line… in order to retrieve the sacred ramen bowl" Itachi lied sagely. Naruto jumped ten feet in the air, squealing for joy as somehow, rainbows appeared in the background.

"Teams, on your marks." Dragon called and each member of 'Shin and his Lackeys: Will of Fire Edition, or SHLWoF for short', nodded to one another and dashed to the check points.

 **Hokage's tower…**

"I must say I am surprised the little bastards made it this far." Danzo commented, taking another handful of popcorn from a fresh bowl.

"Hush, old friend, the real show is about to begin. Now stop hogging the pop corn, you're fat enough as it is."  
"Did you just insult my **figure** , Hiruzen? I'll have you know I'm big boned, not fat. And at least my vice of food doesn't give me cancer; how many pipes have you had today? Five? Seven?" Danzo retorted and grabbed another handful.

"Hmph, if Naruto and his little friends haven't killed me, a little smoke won't either."  
"Tsk, tsk; we could put it to the test if you like" Danzo said darkly, and Sarutobi scoffed.

"Please don't slip into another world domination phase; the last one didn't end until the Uchiha were gone. What changed your mind about your master plans, anyway?"

"...I realized any job that dealt with Guy was a job I most definitely didn't want to have."

 **Back to the tournament…**

Itachi elegantly gave Sai the pass off high five, signifying the second phase to start; so far Itachi had kept their team far above the others in time, but that could all change if one of the members fell behind.

Sai narrowed his eyes as he ran ahead and through a thicket of leaves. Coming into a clearing with several signs, the pale boy walks to the one with his team's name on it, reading:

 _I talk, but I do not speak my mind  
I hear words, but I do not listen to thoughts  
When I wake, all see me  
When I sleep, all hear me  
Many heads are on my shoulders  
Many hands are at my feet  
The strongest steel cannot break my visage  
But the softest whisper can destroy me  
The quietest whimper can be heard._

"I talk, but do not speak my mind…well I would say a shinobi but the 'strongest steel cannot break my visage' reminds me of Shin's ego while the 'softest whisper can destroy me' sounds suspiciously like the village's budget."

Sai took out a paint brush, writing out the riddle. The various contestants began working on their own puzzles.

"Many heads…that's it!" Sai cried and dashed to the check point on the other side of the clearing. The Commander stood impatiently.

"Well? Did you get it?" He asked gruffly. Sai nodded.

"Yes, well, it is most obviously an actor, as what other profession allows one to be multiple people but also be destroyed by a simple negative comment?" Sai smiled up at the man.

"C-correct. Now the little bastard can go."

"I have a name you know!" Shin retorted from the checkpoint, before dashing off. Sai made a bird and rose up into the sky.

"I must be going too, Dragon-sama; brother wished me to take pictures of him defeating whatever enemy he faces." And without a glance back the Root agent took off, camera in tow that had appeared from nowhere, leaving a grumbling Dragon behind.

 **Shin's challenge…**

"Okay, so I have to face some creature and win, should be a piece a cake for me" Shin assured himself, even as he felt his spine shiver one he entered an undergrowth that led to a rocky arena. The sides were at least twenty feet high with jagged edges. Taking a deep breath, Shin braced himself as his opponent rose up from a burrow in the ground.

And found himself snickering. For in a bedazzled pink collar was a snow white rabbit, eyes a pair of huge blue seas, just asking for a pet.

"Aww, is the little bunny lost? Can I give you a treat?" Shin cooed, and pulled out a treat. The bunny perked up and hopped over to him, taking the treat and nibbling on it. Shin petted it, and smiled. "So adorable, so sweet. Why don't you come home with me? We could rule the world through your adorableness!"

Suddenly the bunny smirked, and jumped up to eye level, head butting Shin between the eyes.

"Yowch!" Shin cried. Jumping away he growled at the formerly cute bundle of evil, who now stared at him with slitted red eyes…

 **Hokage tower…**

"You seriously let them use THE project 'Kyubi-bunny'." Danzo asked, incredulously.

"Hush, it wanted some time out in the real world." Sarutobi defended.

"It's an abomination that should never have been created!"

"Just because it sometimes goes on a rampage due to being infused with the kyubi chakra since birth doesn't mean it shouldn't have been created."

"That's an opinion only you have, old friend."  
"And other opinions matter? I wasn't aware of this fact" Sarutobi chided and took a puff on his pipe, turning his attention back to the orb."

 **Shin, five minutes from start…**

Shin screamed like a girl, running away from the psycho bunny charging at him with three red chakra tails swishing around it.

Shuriken didn't work- it ate it for breakfast.

Jutsu didn't work- Shin wasn't a chakra monster like Naruto, meaning the kyubi-fied creature just batted them away.

Shin only knew the exploding tag, and he had donated them to Sai for the last challenge.

"Just my lucky day; to be eaten by what probably inspired my mask name. I'd need an army to…that's it! Summoning jutsu: Fury of the chickens!" Five hundred of the chicken summons swarmed the air in a flurry of feathers.

"My brethren, this heathen must fall to the coop." Shin shouted over the clucking. The head chicken turned to its summoner.

"And what is their crime?"

"Er…" Shin trailed off, thinking; he needed a good excuse or the chickens would just leave. "Um…oh, this vile mass of evil cuteness insulted chickens, saying you are worse than owls or ostriches." Immediately the chickens gave war cries; no one insulted them by claiming their rival clans were in any way _better_ than them.

 **With Shin, five minutes later…**

Shin whistled a tune as he gave Naruto a high five, and sat back. Sai landed nearby with a long suffering sigh.

"Did you really have to traumatize the poor thing? The other teams just had to raise their hand before that rabbit surrendered."

"Meh, it doesn't matter, as Priest-kohai is no doubt making a mad dash for the finish line. Victory is ours."

"About that…"

 **With Naruto…**

Naruto clutched his hair. In front of him, inches from the finish line, sat his worst enemy: a Rubik cube, blocking his path with a note:

"Solve me or your team is disqualified," in cutesy handwriting. Sweating, the young ANBU fumbled with the multi colored box, wishing he had taken Shin's challenge.

 **Meanwhile…**

Meanwhile, across the finish line, Itachi was sweating, as were the newly arrived Shin and Sai.

"This isn't going to work; no amount of motivation can help the mascot solve a logic puzzle, something he's horrible at" one ANBU commented. Others nodded along, as the blonde futilely offered an instant ramen cup to the cube in exchange for it to solve itself.

"Heh, who would have thought the 'One Yen' store would have a special of twenty Rubik cubes for a single yen." Dragon boasted.

"Um, Commander, you do realize the one yen store is notorious for their low quality products?" Tenzo asked, as his teammate was studiously working on the cube.

"Pssh, like they need to last more than a few minutes. Besides, how much 'quality' is really in a freaking Rubik cube?"

 **Back with Naruto…**

Naruto watched as several other ANBU landed near their cubes, each working at the difficult conundrum.

That's when he saw it; Kakashi, who was sitting next to him, cursed as he had to push a yellow sticker down.

"Hehehehe." Naruto snickered, and got to work, carefully pulling off every colored sticker square with the help of clones.

 **With Dragon…**

Tenzo removed his mask and gave a smug look.

"What was that I heard about Rubix cubes, commander?" He mocked. Dragon face palmed and dropped to the ground.

"Shut it, or I'll make you babysit Konohamaru the next time Ebisu gets sick of him."

"…Dully noted, Dragon-sama."  
 **And finally…**

Naruto jumped up and down in victory, holding up a completed Rubix cube. Skipping, he crossed the finish line, ahead of four other teams, who would no doubt be cut for their overall low score.

"And that, ladies and gentleman, is why the world is a horrible place" Boar sighs, pointing at a Shin(who was giving the victory sign and having Naruto give the puppy dog eyes on Itachi for a group photo) and shaking his head, "when people like THAT come out on top despite the valiant efforts of the village's elite."

"Here, here." Was the unanimous reply.

 **At the tower…**

"Well at least Naruto is happy." Sarutobi remarked while eating the last bite of popcorn. Danzo glared from a hog tie on the floor.

"I hate you sometimes."

"Now, now, that's treason, Danzo-chan. Also, all's fair in love and war." Danzo gaped at the Hokage.

"This isn't war, Hiruzen!" Suddenly the room darkened. Hiruzen Sarutobi sent a ghastly look down at his oldest friend/rival, and said in a deadly serious tone.

"The fight over the last bite of a delicious snack is **always** war, Danzo."

 **End!**

 **Big thanks to my beta/ AMAZING FRIEND/ fellow gamer, silverwolf310. She helped me with so much in this chapter, including the rubik cube part. So, a few things:**

 **The quality part of the rubik cube came from a dollar store experience. I bought a dollar store Christmas card for silverwolf310, intending to send it. The cover art legit stained my table while I was writing on the inside, proving that quality always matters.**

 **Go check out the One piece story 'The Hidden Fox of The Sea'. I beta for it a tad bit and the story is super intriguing. It just finished its prologue stage so the action and adventure stage should be starting soon.**

 **Again, super sorry for the long wait. I probably won't be able to update until after finals, but we'll see.**

 **Finally, I play on my Nintendo switch a TON, and I have a few multiplayer games. Unfortunately, no one I know owns a switch and barely anyone worth talking too wants to play a Nintendo game. Soooo…do any of you, dear readers, want to play some Switch online? If so, just PM me. It would be nice to play some Mario Kart or cooperative games with people I can enjoy playing with (and not a random computer or people I have no idea what they're like).**


	36. Chapter 37

**Chapter 36**

 **AN: Heyo peeps, Riku here! Time to finish up the 'Tournament Arc' and get ready for the sure to be disastrous 'Camp Danzo Arc'. I'm going to skip the 'scavenger hunt' challenge for now- maybe use it as an omake or something to look back on for the characters. However, this chapter is going to be the final challenge…**

 **P.S I don't own Naruto; if I did Danzo would have had a battle over if he is fat like Hiruzen believes, or just 'big boned.'**

 **Last day of tournament…**

Dragon, dressed in his best and most regal battle uniform, was chanting to himself.

 _'Don't worry Dragon, you got this; you're a genius, making the last round a free for all team battle- not even Itachi can pull through fighting 2 full ANBU squads. Of course, after Kitsune's team unfortunately fails, I'll spend the next year beating into his head how to actually win at these events, maybe even take him out for barbeque like the old days…'_

 **Flashback, Naruto's first full day at ANBU…**

Dragon stared at the Jinchuuriki huddled in what was supposed to be Dragon's lair…er, office… looking intently at Dragon's prized possession, a hirashin kunai. It was a gift from Minato to celebrate the childhood friends reaching their dreams; Minato becoming Hokage, and Dragon his ANBU commander.

Good times, the commander reminisced on while staring at his new charge. The Hokage wanted the boy of his best friend to accomplish three things:

Never reveal that he, Naruto Uzumaki, is alive to the village.

Become an excellent ANBU member eventually.

Love the village while learning his own Will of Fire.

' _None of that is hard except… how to train a kid who is so young and 'not quite there' after Inoichi made his memory of early trauma disappear? Well, let's see if he can at least follow directions.'_

Making his presence known through a cough, Dragon watched in amusement as even in a full ANBU outfit- cloak included- Naruto gave the startled, bug eyed response Dragon had been looked for.

"Kitsune…" Dragon started awkwardly, a bit nervous now that the Hokage had left. To his credit, Naruto responded to the code word.  
"…yes?"

"Take these files" Dragon motioned to a stack of random notes that meant nothing to him, "and put them in that trash can for me." Here he pointed to a trash can near the door. Naruto looked up a bit in confusion at the stupid order. Dragon thought fast. "Um, if you do this… I'll teach you how to hold a kunai!" Dragon offered. Naruto tilted his head, then nodded.

"So like one of those….mission thingies Hokage-jiji said I'd take?" He asked. Deciding to roll with it, Dragon nodded sagely.

"Yes. In fact, you will have lots of missions- all are super important quests of epic importance-, and be paid for them with training….just like real shinobi!" He finished brightly. Naruto was jumping up and down at this point.

"Yatta! I get to do missions!" The boy shouted.

Later, after the notes were trashed and Naruto had been shown the bare bones of holding a kunai correctly, Dragon noticed the two of them had matching growls coming from their stomachs.

"Ne, Kitsune, why don't we go get some barbeque?" Dragon asked awkwardly. Naruto cocked his head.

"Bar…ne.. zu?"

"….. close enough. Now hold on and remember the rules about your identity!"

And thus, a small tradition had bloomed, where Naruto would careful lift up the side of his mask to stuff food in, and Dragon seemed to just let food disappeared through the mask.

 **Flashback end…**

 _'And then that damned Shin had to ruin it by giving him ramen! Now my sweet little apprentice only wants ramen, never being as happy with barbeque time as he used too.'_ Dragon thought darkly. After his apprentice lost, however, and Shin was humiliated, Dragon would re forge their tradition and train the boy into the ground in exchange for coffee runs.

Problem was, Shin was crafty, and the little bastard would no doubt try anything to win.

 _'Should I be worried? Nah, the nemesis can't really cheat his way out of this one, especially as his opponents…'_

 **With Naruto's team…. Or rather, 'Shin's Team'…**

"Are Ibiki's team and Kakashi's team. Both squads are formidable on their own, but no doubt they will attempt to gang up on us." Itachi monotoned a warning. The whole squad, after nearly dying in the scavenger hunt from hell, were now operating as a true team. Each person in their little huddle were checking gear while Itachi drew on the ground with a stick.

"Teams Kakashi and Ibiki will attempt to form an alliance to take us out. That is why we must be fast, taking single strikes before dashing away. Remember, our goal is to steal their tags."

"My shadow clones can help- and my summons!" Naruto offered.

"And I can attempt to hit from above." Sai added.

"My chickens won't help anymore until I repair the damage to the coop that scavenger hunt caused." Shin lamented for a moment. They all sat in silence. "But I'm so superior it doesn't matter!" The boy laughed, all traces of humility gone as quickly as it appeared. Sai and Itachi sweat dropped, and Naruto…

"You're so right, senpai! Your awesomeness will win for us, no doubt!"

"Er… Kitsune, you and Shin will be partners then. Your job is to defeat Mouse and Flamingo, the easiest of each team." The insane duo that was Naruto and Shin nodded seriously, giving each other a high five. "Sai, take these explosive notes and throw them with your ink animals. You're to hinder the team from afar."

"And you, senpai?" Sai asked, accepting the tags graciously.

"My job is to show them exactly why I'm S- class." Itachi finished, letting his Sharingan flair to life. The boys suppressed shudders but understood Itachi's motives. Sasuke, along with the rest of ANBU, were watching in bleachers created by Tenzo. The younger Uchiha had been granted special permission by the Hokage to watch, and Sasuke was convinced he would be witnessing his brother wipe the floor with all the other shinobi.

Suddenly a buzzer went off and Dragon- sama's voice rang out through the dusty arena that had somehow never been discovered by non- ANBU despite the fact it was less than half a mile from the village.

"The last round of the tournament will begin! A free for all team battle, only the best squad may win. The goal is to knock out and or steal the other members ID tags. If your tag is taken or destroyed for ANY REASON…you are out. Team with the last one standing or the most tags is the winner. One three."

"One" Naruto his kunai tightly.

"Two" he prepared a cross shaped seal and chanted the familiar phrase.

"THREE! GO!" Fifty Naruto clones popped up in a semi circle around the pint sized ANBU's team, providing cover for Itachi and Shin to transform, becoming just another Naruto. Sai soared into the sky and the battle commenced.

Kakashi effortlessly batted away his little kohai's clones, though stopped a comment of how easy it was when one almost ripped an ear off using a kunai.

 _'Woah, who taught him t_ _ **hat**_ _move? It's one of my signature kunai tricks! I haven't taught anyone that since… shoot! Don't look in the eyes!"_ Kakashi instantly kept his gaze down towards Itachi's transformed feet. Catching a shuriken that was aimed at a rather painful spot, Kakashi chuckled nervously.

"Itachi, you know this is supposed to be a friendly competition right? As in… DON'T SHOOT TO KILL?!" Kakashi shouted as a fierce duel fire dragon converged onto him, only to have a rotation from Ibiki's team mate, Flamingo, stop the charge.

"Hn. Sasuke is in the stands. As such, I must win." Itachi stated seriously. With cold malice the prodigy undid the transformation and started attacking once more. Flamingo and Kakashi were doing well against the Uchiha, matching punch for punch until…

 **Up in the air…**

Sai was rather displeased at Ibiki's summons. For it to be able to attack him from the sky was most impressive, if not annoying.

Keeping an eye on the battle as his brother had ignored orders and was attempting to tackle an amused duo of Yugao and Hayate…using only a kunai… the pale boy tossed a kunai with an exploding tag down towards Kakashi, hoping Itachi's careful planning worked.

 **Back with Itachi…**

Keeping his face neutral despite his desire to smirk, Itachi caught both his old senpai and the Hyuga in his Tsukuyomi as they were glancing upwards to see Sai's explosion in the air. Now, he had them trapped inside their minds.

"This is my ultimate genjutsu. For the next seventy- two hours, you are at my mercy. Prepare to.."

At what Itachi informed them they'd have to endure, Kakashi prepared for hell and Flamingo curled into a ball, not caring if it was only a genjutsu.

 **Outside…**

Naruto was engaged in a fierce battle with his fellow midget, Mouse. Neither would give up their edge, and mouse found themselves very impressed with the young ANBU.

"Grrr. I won't let you win! Mouse-senpai" Naruto roared.

"And I can't afford to lose! Kitsuneeee" Mouse roared back. Both imagined epic battle music accompanying their struggle.

 **In the stands…**

Sasuke facepalmed at what his stalker was doing.

"He does realize it's just a thumb war, right?" Sasuke grumbled. Tenzo, the assigned 'Sasuke babysitter' for the event, bonked the boy on the head before giving the 'ghoul face'.

"Our kohai is fighting with great courage. You may not know this, but agent Mouse used to be the Konoha thumb war champion in their youth; not even Hokage- same could defeat them. It's said that Mouse used to take out whole battalions of enemies with just the thumb."

Sasuke gave an incredulous stare.

"You've got to be kidding me," he asked, shocked. Tenzo slowly shook his head.

"No, in fact, here." Being handed a worn bingo book, Sasuke looked over ANBU agent Mouse's entry, not surprised by the lack of physical details.

 _ **Age: older than a young fool, but younger than dirt.**_

 _ **Known names: The Thumb Killer.**_

 _ **Greatest Accomplishment: Killing 30 Iwa shinobi during the third shinobi war with just their right thumb. When leaving the scene- and one lone genin to tell the tale- it is said that they requested that whoever asked about the event would be told that 'I killed them all…with this thumb' before dashing off into the night. Since then, no one has been able to identify the true name, let alone gender, of this mysterious**_ _ **thumb killer.**_

If it hadn't been staring Sasuke in the face, the poor boy wouldn't have believed it. Deciding that he would never let himself be as insane as just about every ANBU he's ever met, Sasuke turns back to the fight in time to see his stalker shaking hands with the other shorty.

 **With Naruto…**

"Thank you senpai; without your teachings I would have never come this far," Naruto said with a hand shake, tears in his eyes as Mouse handed him his own tag. Mouse looked at their young protégé proudly, and said,

"No, it is I who should be thanking you. For years I had lost my will to fight like a true thumb killer. But, after my defeat today, it has become clear that I must train harder, smarter, so that we may meet again in battle. I shall forefeit now."

"I look forward to our rematch, and" Naruto was cut out by Anko, who broke up the pair using her snake summons.

"Listen here, gaki! Just because you took out Mouse- chan here, doesn't mean you can just sit on your hands. Because now you have **me** as an opponent!" Anko boasted, pointing to herself with a cocky grin. Naruto gulped.

' _How am I supposed to beat Anko- nee?'_ He thought in panic as he summoned his Ostrich.

"Brat! I told you to stop summoning me- wait, is that a giant snake?"

"Uh, less talking, more running!" Naruto ordered.

 **With Shin…**

Shin didn't show it in his smile, but he was extremely nervous. Itachi, after effortlessly defeating Kakashi and Flamingo- being sure to take their tags-, had done the same to Ibiki, who was currently laughing while twitching on the ground, not noticing the Uchiha had disintegrated his tag. Shin didn't even want to know what Itachi showed the psychopath interrogator. Even though Itachi had collapsed himself after such a strain on his eyes, that wasn't the problem plaguing the most unconventional ROOT member. No, the problem was his big mouth had gotten him into one verses two fight with Hayate and the crazy purple haired woman. Sure, Shin reasoned, she did have plenty of reasons to hate him after the whole 'Iruka incident' in her apartment.

And, perhaps he shouldn't have mentioned she looked a bit bustier than last time he saw her, but the cuts she was aiming for were way too aggressive for Shin's tastes.

"Neh, we're not here to kill each other, right?" Shin asked while pushing a sword swing meant to decapitate him using a kunai. All his priest- kohai clones were dissipated and their supplier was busy being chased around by the snake charmer's summons. Hayate seemed to give a sympathetic shrug as his girl friend started taking the competition a _tad_ too seriously. Of course, he wouldn't have felt that way if he had heard Shin's comment on his girl friend's looks.

"Tell that to my apartment, you little punk!" Yugao screamed, hair circling around her head. Oh, how she's waited for this day, especially after he had the _audacity_ to greet her with 'hey cutie, you're a little bustier than last time. And did you gain a bit of weight, it looks rather'. He wasn't given the opportunity to finish before the sword mistress started attacking.

 _'Think Shin, Think! Hayate has decided to go assist that senbon guy…uh, Genma! Yeah, he's going to assist Genma with taking down Sai. Naruto is being toyed with and Itachi is bleading out of his eyes.'_

Whistling, Shin summoned Sai, who swept down, Shin vaulting up to it like they'd practiced since childhood. Using his small arsenal of paint tags, explosions, and wires, Shin glared down at their three pursuers. Genma and Hayate were preparing a combination jutsu, yet were stopped when Shin dropped a mass of exploding wires and paint. The ANBU dodged it yet Genma was taken out of the running when he was blasted seconds later by a secondary explosion that destroyed his ID tag. In a huff, Genma walked out, grumbling about how stupid it was to have tags that were flammable and attached with yarn.

Another minute of dodging through the air and only injuring Hayate and Shin realized they'd have to unleash the ultimate weapon.

"PRIEST-KOHAIIII! EAT IT, EAT IT NOW!" He bellowed after the ink beast they were ridding on was destroyed by Hayate's own explosive note, causing them to be caught in a net the swordsman had set up using the few boulders and trees as posts. Hayate ripped Shin's off with a sheepish apology, only to jerk away at Yugao's scream.

For while Shin had been caught, merely an ink clone of Sai had been snared, as the real one had guided dozens of ink rats to attack Yugao….or rather, let them distract her just enough (she _was_ already gloating to Shin so to divide her attention three ways proved effective. Though it was just for a fraction of a second, Sai used his ink extraordinarily well, enough to swipe her card even as his was taken in return.

 _'Seems my extra practices with Fu- sama payed off'_ The pale boy thought.

 **Hokage Tower…**

"Hah! That's my boy- did you see that, Hiruzen? My Sai has opened a can whoop- ass on your prized little ANBU!" Danzo boasted while giving the victory sign. Sarutobi sweat dropped, as just before Sai was one of his 'mortal enemies sent to plague him'. However, instead of pointing this out, he had a better idea as his surrogate grandson followed Shin's order and was eating the experimental 'candy' the research department had developed. In it contained over eleven hundred milligrams of caffeine.

 _'Wait! THAT FOOL, THAT'S MEANT FOR EMERGENCIES ONLY'_ Sarutobi realized, and prayed the ANBU would survive.

Not that he would go check. No, risking the life a kage on such a dangerous crises was absurd.

 **Back with Naruto…**

Naruto dutifully popped in the candy Shin- senpai ordered him to eat. He hoped that it worked- his ostrich was getting annoyed running from Anko- nee's snakes.

 _ **'This should be interesting.'**_ Kurama thought with a snort as he felt the effects of over 10 cups of coffee shooting through his host's system take affect.

However, Naruto would never recall what would happen after he swallowed the round candy that smelled like what he always drank before play time. For the next hour passed in a blur.

 **Later…**

Dragon felt his eye brow twitch dangerously as he had to crown a smug looking- if blindfolded to rest the eyes- Uchiha, a bored looking Sai, a cheering 'Shin the Great' and a passed out mascot as the winners of the tournament. The land had more craters than the moon and his best ANBU were shaking. To have let his apprentice eat _that_ candy was ludicrous.

"I now pronounce you hellions the winners of this year's 'ANBU shinobi tournament…not that you deserve it." Dragon griped. Sai and Itachi fist bumped.

 _'Well at least he won't remember it'_ Dragon thought placidly, recalling how he had to erect a barrier to prevent any of Naruto's exploding shadow clones from bumping into the bleachers. How he was able to form seals and mold chakra in that state, Dragon didn't want to know.

 **Inside the seal…**

Kurama was rolling on the ground in his cage, laughing so hard his sides hurt.

 _ **OH THAT WAS RICH! Who knew being caffeinated allowed me to influence the brat. The screams as his exploding clones appeared were PRICELESS!**_

 **Back outside, with Sasuke…**

Sasuke was still pale as he was led to his brother's side, who was going to be taken to the hospital for an eye checkup. To say Sasuke was motivated to graduate and take long term missions AWAY from kids smaller than him who could cause that much damage before sleeping was an understatement.

 _'Hn. After my big brother is healed up I'll ask him to teach me more jutsu. Oh, and I need his signature for this 'Camp Danzo'. I've never heard about it but if it gets me stronger, I will do it. To achieve my dream of ridding myself of HIM.'_

 **Finally, Hokage Tower…**

"Do I even want to know how much this is going to cost?" Hiruzen Sarutobi asked while rubbing his temples. Danzo thought a moment.

"Probably not, old monkey. Popcorn?" The Darkness of Shinobi held out a fresh bowl. With a grunt, Hiruzen snatched the whole thing away. "HEY!"

"Hm? Did you say something?" Sarutobi said innocently while munching.

"Y- you. Oh never mind; I have children to brain wash."

"For the good of Konoha, right?"

"Of course; plus, brainwashed children are easier to manage than…that" Danzo gestured to the crystal ball with a now awake Naruto and Shine doing the disco dance in celebration.

 **End! Not exactly what I was going for, but it worked out. I had to dig out a couple of notes, bug a friend for help, and reread a bunch of chapters to remember where this story was at. A couple of things…**

 **I know a real battle wouldn't go this way. Cut me some slack though, this is basically a crack fic at this point.**

 **The serious bit at the beginning was for those who were asking for a bit of Naruto's backstory in this AU. It's not much but whoo.**

 **For the coffee… well according to google 95 mg is 1 cup. Sooo… 1000 mg is like 10 cups. Considering all that Naruto does, is it too hard to believe he would survive and thrive with ten measly cups? Thought so.**

 **Wondering if Sasuke goes to Camp Danzo? Or what each of Itachi's victims…er, opponents… saw? Well….you'll find out in the next installment!**

 **Ps. Check out these stories for an awesome read through:**

 **Seals are easy people are hard**

 **The Hidden Fox of the Sea (this is a one piece fan fic, but he turns into a nine tailed fox)**

 **The Log (only 10 chapters but you will CRY with laughter…please tell me if you try this one out, I love it soo much.)**


	37. Chapter 38

**Chapter 37**

 **AN: Yo! Riku here, and she is back for some more knee slapping fun! Mascot is coming to an end, and though there are a couple of ideas I didn't get a chance to incorporate every arc I wanted to, this has been a fun ride! This story has only been possible because of all of y'all, so thank you. Make sure to read at the end for a couple of questions I have for you guys as we wrap up the story.**

 **Camp Danzo (Dun dun dun duuuun)...**

''I've changed my mind Nii- san; take me home this instant!" Sasuke cried in fear, attempting to drag the immovable mountain that was his brother away from the entrance to Konoha's newly created 'Camp Danzo.'

"Foolish little brother; you've committed to coming here, and here you shall go. Take this month long training camp to become stronger and build bonds." Itachi admonished his little brother, hiding a smile at the pouting child. In truth, Itachi found the whole situation most amusing, seeing as Kitsune was already dragging Sasuke away.

"Don't worry, we'll have a blast; Danzo- jiji said we're going to have so much fun that **hell** will seem like a **vacation**!" Naruto rambled on, missing that fact He had been given a promise of torture for the four weeks. However, Sasuke was not so dim and paled even further.

"NIII- SAAN!" The young Uchiha screamed as he was led away.

As Itachi waved to his disappearing brother, the prodigy of the Uchiha clan gave a benign smile that didn't match the hard glare in his eyes as he looked at Danzo Shimura in a camping shirt and sun hat.

"If he shows up with injuries or seals… you will discover why not even Orochimaru wishes to cross me." Itachi left the open threat and used a shunshin to head back home, knowing the Hokage was watching the camp's every move.

 _'Besides,'_ Itachi mused, _'Naruto seems to have infected him to some degree. I'm sure Sasuke will be fine. Now, to the tower to observe. I put one million yen on Naruto finally breaking Danzo within the first week.'_

Mind at ease, Itachi dismissed the slight shudder he felt go down his spine while crossing into the village.

 **Orochimaru's lair…**

"So little Naruto- chan is going away to…camp Danzo? Did I hear that right?" Orochimaru asked in a bit of puzzlement, looking up from the report. Kabuto let out a chuckle that had a hint of befuddlement as well.

"I'm sure, Orochimaru- sama. The man has changed drastically; reports of him actually smiling have reached my ears… it's most disturbing." Kabuto shivered a bit when his master grinned viciously.

"No matter," The sannin chuckled, "Either way it presents us with a unique opportunity. Kabuto, bring the boy to me while he is so lightly guarded. Once he's here, Oto will truly rival the other five measly 'great shinobi villages'.

"As you wish, Orochimaru- sama." With a bow, Kabuto departed, intent on making his master's wish a reality.

 **Back at the camp, in the 'mess hall'…**

Naruto cocked his head at the t- shirt that Fu shoved into his hands, the same one everyone else was pulling over their ANBU gear (or in Sasuke's case, over his borrowed ANBU gear).

"I don't get it" the blonde dead panned, and for once Sasuke nodded in agreement.

 _ **A Root A Day Keeps The Kage Away!**_

 __"Why does a root a day keep a kage away? Hokage- jiji is way too awesome to be 'kept away' by a little root!" Naruto protested. Fu rolled his dull eyes in annoyance, not quite agreeing with what his master had chosen for the shirt. Though a nice, comfortable shinobi green, that phrase was a red flag to his master's grand- if most likely abandoned- plans. But Fu, like the good tool he was, simply patted the Jinchuuriki on the hood.

"Don't question it, Kitsune; focus on helping the others." Fu ordered and Naruto did so, but with shoulders slumped in a pout. Sai and Shin quietly sweat dropped in response to the shirt's phrase, resisting face palms.

Ten minutes later and everyone was dressed, while Fu finished tying boulders to the campers' backs. Danzo used a shunshin in to the room, giving a plain smile that all Root agents knew stood for

'I'm about to make your life a living hell and I'll enjoy it the entire time.'

Wearing a sun hat, whistle, and camp shirt over his robes did not make him look like a benign grandfather to the campers, but a psychopath trying to pose as a camp counselor in order to murder them.

"Now, my pathetic worms- I mean, precious little campers- welcome the first annual 'Camp Danzo.' Here you will learn the true meaning pain, suffering, and discipline in the best way possible; by letting me beat it into you." Here Sasuke paled and wondered why his idol left him with the psychopath in front of him. Worse though was that his number one stalker cheered and jumped despite the heavy load Sasuke could barely lift, even with chakra.

"Wow, that sounds like fun, Danzo- jiji!" Naruto's words made even Fu sweat drop and Danzo get annoyed.

 _'So, he thinks he's so tough?! Well time to break the little prick, Danzo- style.'_ Danzo thought gleefully.

"Seeing as young Kitsune is so…energetic, let us start with a thirty five mile run to loosen our muscle ups." Sasuke gulped at the challenge. "Oh, and one last thing; you'll have to dodge my kunai- I'm a very good shot." A small cut appeared on Sasuke's cheek. A whistle shrilled to life and everyone bolted off, Danzo in pursuit of his prey and Fu taking detailed notes for his research.

 **Hokage Tower…**

Sarutobi failed to stifle his chortle at his oldest friend and rival in the ridiculous get up. He chose to ignore the rather suggestive t- shirt and instead focused on how the various shinobi in the vicinity were reacting to the humorous- if a tad deadly- _training montage_ that was unfolding before their eyes.

Kakashi was taking bets on their survival, tiny betting booth in the corner; to Sarutobi it appeared the one eyed ANBU would be making a killing.

Boar, Itachi, Tenzo, and Mouse were all enraptured by the crystal ball and sharing popcorn; it seemed the three were in agreement that Naruto would ruin the war hawk's plans (an opinion Sarutobi secretly shared).

Flamingo was with the other ANBU who were at the betting booths, though it seemed he was hoping the bane of his existence never returned for more 'play time.'

Yugao, Hayate, Ibiki, and Anko payed little attention but instead were discussing the use of all things sharp and pointy for various tasks, shinobi related or other wise.

And Dragon? Well the enigmatic man looked disinterested in his posture, but Sarutobi knew better; the commander was enjoying the show yet ready to leap in if Naruto finally broke Danzo in a way that sent the old one eye after him.

Yes, life was good for the Hokage of Konoha.

"Oh, that's got to hurt!" Boar winced as the run led the children over a chasm that everyone, but Naruto fell into, the blond clearing it while doing a summersault in the air. Though not deep, Sarutobi knew the fall would leave some nasty bruises. However, what kind of shinobi didn't get some bruises?... or shallow cuts, Sarutobi added as Danzo didn't give them time to get up.

 **After the run…**

Everyone but Naruto was panting- even Danzo, though he delicately wiped the sheen of sweat off his brow before anyone noticed- and the young blond did a nice stretch in the late afternoon sun.

"That was a blast! What's next, Danzo- jiji?" He asked. Danzo resisted the urge to use his favorite katon jutsu on the children, instead pulling out his pink notebook he had bought specifically for the occasion of planning his revenge- er, I mean camp. Flipping to the schedule page, he smirked viciously at what was in the plans.

"Who would like a nice game of 'hide and explode'?" He asked, giving that same creepy smile. Shin, who was panting on the ground, sides heaving, made the two worst mistakes of his life.

First, he flipped off his boss, clearly delirious from the previous activity.

Second, he goaded the man.

"Bring it on, old man; you…may have…superior shinobi skills…but I have the ultimate weapon." Shin said as he caught his breath.

"Oh, and what is that 'Rabid Bunny Slippers'?" Danzo asked with a cocked eyebrow. Shin smirked.

"Just the… one and only… high priest of the WILL OF FIRE CULT!"

Danzo stopped.

He stared.

And then he laughed, convinced he was immune to the infamous 'Will of Fire' as he was already a _'loyal'_ Konoha shinobi.

Oh, the poor old fool.

 **That night…**

Shin crawled to his room- private cells more like it he noticed- and rolled onto the cot. Moon shined in brightly from the high window (which of course was barred) but the grey haired teen never noticed as he snored away his foolish decision to push Danzo Shimura's buttons.

 **Day one…**

"AAAAIIIIEEEE" Could be heard clear across the Land of Fire. The reason four children screeched in such a ghastly fashion would haunt their dreams for months.

"Aww, are the children afraid of a little pillow fight?" Danzo asked in a baby voice as he chucked another pillow from his mountainous supply. Fu calmly kept score of his master's bullseyes; so far it was sixty two.

Of course, these weren't normal pillows, but imported 'electro down feathered' pillows. As it hit Shin, the grey-haired teen shrieked while his skeleton became visible.

Oh yes, pillow fights were always a blast. A kaboom went off from a malfunctioning pillow.

Always a blast indeed.

 **Day four…**

"You better get out of there quickly, boys; the tide rises in an hour." Danzo chimed. Tied together upside down in a low cave were four wide eyed boys. Naruto started wiggling, making the bounds tighter.

"I- idiot. Stop struggling or we'll just become more stuck!" Sasuke ordered once the one eyed teme left. Sai let out a long-suffering sigh, and figured he'd wait a while before pointing out it was all just a genjutsu.

 **Next day…**

"Okay Priest kohai, just do what you always do on Danzo- sama and show him the true way of Fire." Shin grasped his favorite blonde's shoulders tightly, staring into the smaller boy's eyes. All the boys were in the mess hall after breakfast and were nervously waiting for their counselors from hell.

Naruto tilted his head; last night the game of 'hide and explode'- punishment for not seeing through the 'cave genjutsu' fast enough- got very…active, even for the Jinchuuriki's tastes and Sai had warned him that listening to Shin would make Danzo- jiji even more excitable about the camp. Being so excited wasn't good for old people, Naruto remembered. So, Naruto was convinced he needed to make Danzo- jiji relax and Shin's plan would make him do the opposite.

"I don't know Senpai," Naruto said nervously. "Sai- senpai said Danzo- jiji was getting old and Sasuke mentioned old people shouldn't get so excited or else they would have a heart **explosion** -"

"Heart _attack_ you little creep" the youngest Uchiha grunted in annoyance.

"Yeah, that" Naruto replied airily. "But still, senpai, we wouldn't want Danzo- jiji to get hurt, right?"

"Psshh, who cares? The old geezer is notoriously immortal; not even the Kyubi could kill him despite shooting a Bijudama straight at him… or so the legends go." Shin whispered like a gossip. Root was known as the biggest rumor mill on the planet, and the most discussed topic was Danzo Shimura's rumored exploits. "Besides, if this works, I'll give you fifty bowels of ramen." Shin asked after seeing Naruto still unconvinced. Instantly the blonde brightened up.

"Yosh! Time to help Danzo- jiji see the light!" Naruto exclaimed. Sasuke felt a headache threatening to blossom.

 _'How the hell is he in ANBU?'_

Meanwhile, Danzo Shimura was calmly combing his hair out to prevent the dreaded 'hat head' from forming, when he had the sudden urge to simultaneously run to Moon country and strangle Shin.

 _'Hmm, relax Danzo; you're just excited for the torture resistance training you have planned for the next three days.'_

Giving himself one last wink in the mirror, the Darkness of Shinobi went to track down the little basterds and Uchiha.

 **Hokage Tower…**

"The 'torture resistance' section…" Sarutobi mused. Truth be told he approved of such a course considering all of their status- two Root, the second last of a blood line, and the village's Jinchuuriki- but decided that letting his subordinates witness such a process was a sure fire way to start a mutiny.

 _'No, best to tuck away the orb for now'_ he thought while doing just that. He made sure to hide his sweat drop as multiple ANBU complained and resisted murder urges when Itachi delicately flipped him off.

 _'Don't kill the Uchiha. You need him to repopulate. Remember your happy place. Happy place, happy place.'_

 **Several hours later, Camp Danzo's underground…**

"For the next three days, you will not eat, drink- and hopefully- sleep." Danzo droned on. Shin was gagged already to prevent the smart ass from annoying the aged shinobi further and Naruto was attempting to hold in his excitement.  
"Fu- chan here" Danzo continued. Fu Yamanaka successfully resisted a growl at his master's patronizing title and head pat "will be attempting to make you break and give up the information you were given in the scrolls passed out." Each scroll had useless information that the Root seals wouldn't prevent the boys from saying to give them a challenge. The lone Uchiha was slightly pale but relaxed when Danzo continued with "Young Sasuke, however, will be given the level one course out of ten seeing as he is not even a genin- your job will be to watch the interrogations."

"What about us? What level are we at Danzo- jiji?!" Naruto jumped up and down excitably. Fu was the one who smirked and replied though, seeing as his reputation was tarnished after the little blonde menace was given the rank of 'unbreakable' due to the mind walker's failure.

But this time, Fu was ready.

"Why, level ten of course, Kitsune, Sai, Shin." The unnerving smile sent towards them gave Naruto an uneasy feeling that he quickly buried.

"Yosh! We will not lose!" Naruto declared before being knocked out by Danzo who was rubbing his temples. Before the other two who were set to be interrogated could protest, they too were knocked out and taken away.

 **Hours later…**

Naruto groaned slightly as he woke up, his head pounding. Shin and Sai gave similar responses moments later. Put in a small room without anything except a small light dangling from the middle of the ceiling, the faces- or in Naruto's case, mask- looked ghostly. Sai gently removed his brother's mask and the life long friends gathered into a tight huddle.

"Okay, team, we just have to survive three days of their mental games. Remember, Hokage- sama loves me and Priest- kohai is too valuable, so they won't kill us." Shin whispered. Sai sweat dropped at the 'Hokage- sama loves me' part but didn't comment. Instead, he pointed out a minor flaw.

"Brother, Kitsune…we each have the same code phrase given to us by Danzo-sama. That means if one of us breaks, the whole test is lost. If we remain silent, however, this trial will not break us." Sai reasoned.

"Or, we can just escape!" Naruto interjected. The Root brothers turned towards their smaller comrade and blinked owlishly. Sai opened his mouth to object but closed it.

 _'Foolish, almost impossible with our chakra sealed….and genius.'_ He thought.

"If only the exercise wouldn't be undermined by such a blatant disregard for the rules _"_ The artist shinobi mused. Shin had a thoughtful look on his face, showing his serious side off for the first time since his debut chapter.

"That…could work. After all, what are the rules if a Root agent has been captured?" Shin asked.

Realization filled Sai like revenge in an Uchiha.

"Only say your code name. Escape if possible or die." He said. Naruto gave a victory pose.

"So, it's not against Danzo- jiji's stuffy rules! We're just learning to be true shinobi." The blonde puffed out his chest. Staying huddled, the terrible trio began their plans for a jail break.

 **With Danzo, Sasuke, and Fu, an hour later…**

Sitting and drinking tea with the old one eye that tortured you disguised as training and a man that took pleasure in breaking people for research was not on Sasuke Uchiha's bucket list, no sir. Especially when his stalkers were locked in a room, no doubt planning something stupid.

In said prison room, Naruto and Shin shared violent sneezes.

Back with Sasuke, the boy thought it odd with how calm the adults were.

"Hn. You do know that Kitsune is a master at…causing horrible amounts of trouble? Is leaving him, let alone all three of them, inside a room without anyone watching a good idea?" Sasuke asked. Danzo blinked, shuddered, then cackled once while sipping his tea.

"While I agree with your sentiments young Uchiha, there is no need to worry; the little hellions have been relieved of their weaponry and I ordered Fu to seal their chakra."

A shatter of a tea cup greeted Danzo's last word. Fu had a ghostly look on his face. Danzo adopted the look he learned from his old protégé Kinoe and rigidly turned to his most trusted operative.

"You…did seal their chakra, right?" The Darkness of Shinobi asked with a tint of desperation and 'prepare to die if the answer is no' eyes.

"Why of course, Danzo- sama, but…"

"But what, boy? Spit it out already."

"Agent Kitsune has _that_ as well." Fu pointed out delicately. Before Danzo could give more than a jolt the area exploded with a sense of foul chakra. Both men shot up and raced to the cell- er, secured classroom- only to find a piece of paper floating in the wind of the night. Pushing aside the question of where they got the paper, the aged man read the note, his eye twitching more violently with each word.

 _ **Dear Danzo- teme,**_

 _ **Sorry, but mental torture isn't on my bucket list for the summer, so we escaped using Chibi- kohai's special abilities. It's in the rules of Root to escape capture so you can't blame us. See you back at the village!**_

 _ **Shin the Great!**_

 _ **p.s. (From Kitsune) Sorry Danzo- jiji, but I'll buy you ramen to make up for it!**_

 _ **p.s.s (From Sai): …. Please don't kill us, Danzo- sama.**_

"Fu"

"Yes, Danzo- sama?"

"Watch the Uchiha."

"Of course, Danzo- sama."

"I will return at dawn with our three escaped hellions. Hiruzen must not become aware of this; the old monkey would never let me live it down." Danzo muttered the last part under his breath.

"Safe hunting, Danzo- sama." Fu bowed to his master, pushing a gob smacked Sasuke down with him. In a torrent of wind, the ancient S- class shinobi was gone with a vengeance. If Fu had real emotions he would feel pity. Instead he scooped up the last 'camper' and carted him off for a late night 'emotional therapy' session.

 **With the three soon- to- be- dead- shinobi…**

"That was totally wicked!" Naruto sniggered as he and his friends high tailed it back to the village and the safety of Naruto's many senpai who wouldn't stand for their mascot being tortured by the Darkness of shinobi. Already ten sets of clones were taking the country side by a storm, each leaving false trails for their pursuers. Sai turned to his friend in the moonlight and asked the question that was bugging both brothers.

"Ne, Kitsune- kohai, how exactly did you manage to use _that_ chakra?" He received a muffled giggle.

"Well, I just asked nicely." Cue face faults. Seeing their reaction caused another round of laughter. "Okay, okay! I may have done a bit more than that…"

 **Flashback, inside Nar** u **to's seal…**

"Oi **,** bunny- chan! Can I pretty please have some chakra?" Naruto asked with puppy dog eyes; Sai had mentioned that Fu only blocked the human chakra based on the seals, so Naruto's 'tenant' as they called the Bijuu should be able to power its host enough to punch a hole in the wall.

Kurama peeped an eye open and instantly curled into a tight ball at the sight of its insane host.

 **Please just go away! And I'm a FOX DEMON!**

"Pssh, no you're not! Now, chakra! Pleaseeee?"

 **Listen…insignificant flea.** Kurama spoke slowly as to help the idiot finally get it. An idea struck him and, with a mental promise to bury what he was about to do inside his subconscious later, Kurama opened his jaws.

 **Let's sing a song, shall we?** He asked. Naruto, predictably, was ecstatic.

"Song, song, song! Is it like Danzo- jiji's camp fire song about the dangers of happiness? Because that one was boring." The Kyubi sweat dropped at the memory; hearing the young blonde belt out C sharp minor tune was not in his list of most treasured moments.

 **…It's better. Now, sing with me, and learn my species;**

" **F is for Fierce fangs eating every ninja!**

 **O is for other's pain-**

 **X is eXtreme power, as I crush you humans,**

 **And that is the fox demon theme!"**

On and on the pair sang, Naruto a minor 3rd up and Kurama with a constant wince. After a few minutes, Kurama cut the tone deaf child off.

 **Now… WHAT AM I?** Kurama patiently asked.

"An eleven eared rabbit." Naruto parroted his in grained response.

' _ **I swear, if it weren't for these blasted bars…'**_

"So…power?" Naruto asked impishly.

 **No.**

"Why not?!" The boy whined.

 **You baka! You can't even call me by my title or species! Why should I loan some of my vast awesomeness to a disrespectful worm like YOU?!"**

Naruto put on a thinking pose before rubbing his hands together.

"Alright, I have a deal for you: I'll play along with your delusion of being a fox and you give me chakra?" He held his hand out for a shake. Kurama so wanted to glare the brat into oblivion but it seems looks couldn't kill. Reluctantly the greatest Biju in existence stuck a claw out and made a deal so one sided he could feel Shukaku laughing at him getting the short tail of the deal.

 **End of flashback…**

Shin was about to comment.

Sai was headed towards a face palm.

But, alas, their time together was cut short.

Kabuto, the elusive spy for Orochimaru appeared behind the Root agents and knocked them out with the speed only a jonin level shinobi possessed. They stood no chance, what with being weaponless and chakra- less still. Naruto jumped back but Kabuto flung a syringe at the boy, knocking him out with an extremely potent sedative. Picking up the child, the spy ran back towards his master, two shadow clones already leaving false trails for any pursuers.

' _I'm lucky I didn't have to abduct him from under Danzo's eye; better hurry though, this sedative should last for twelve hours but I don't wish to test it. Kukuku Naruto- kun, time to take you to your new home and Master.'_

Charging off into the night, the medic nin was gone like a wisp of wind long before a confused Danzo Shimura arrived forty minutes later after dispelling each of the annoying clones.

Naruto Uzumaki, the prized weapon, mascot, and friend of the village leaders/ most deadly members, was kidnapped.

"I'm too old for this shit," Danzo Shimura muttered as he carried his charges towards the village, preparing for his early demise at the hands of the mother hen Hiruzen.

 **End! SOOO…. How was it? This took forever to write, and I was intending to just do a ten thousand word chapter and finish the story up, but I really want end the story next chapter so I can flesh out the last scenes more.**

 **A couple points:**

 **Orochimaru will have to deal with the cult leader that is Naruto! Any thoughts on how you think this will play out?**

 **Naruto will have multiple parties coming to the rescue. If there is a particular character you wish to make an appearance in this last chapter showdown, let me know!**

 **I haven't put all the stories for this fiction in, but I think I will somehow either incorporate them into other fics or make a series of mascot one shots! Either way, know that I plan to continue the stupidity of this universe.**

 **Iruka… poor, poor Iruka next chapter. Hehehehe.**

 **Finally, some questions!**

 **Favorite arc/ chapter?**

 **Favorite characters and why?**

 **Did you like my take on certain events (First kill, the Akatsuki, the cults, ect) and why/ why not?**

 **Anything to improve on for my next basically crack fic?**

 **Thank you again for all of y'all's support. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have had the confidence to basically barf on the page random plot bunnies that shot through my head. Have a nice week and see you for the finale!**


	38. Final Chapter

**Chapter 38**

 **AN: Dun Dun Dun DUUUUN… Final chapter everyone! Time to tie everything in together for a final chapter extravaganza! Will Naruto be saved from Orochimaru? Or rather, will Orochimaru be saved from the little hellion? Will the 'Will of Fire' prevail or will it die? Find out by concluding the strangest fic I have ever written!**

 **Orochimaru's village, in the Land of Rice…**

Orochimaru looked at the sleeping child through the one way mirror they had set up for observation. He resisted a giddy dance at the blow he had just dealt his sensei and the village that scorned him. Kabuto sent him a bemused smile.

"Master, what if he refuses? I mean, there are those reports about the Akatsuki after all…" Kabuto trailed off at Orochimaru's manic chuckle.

"Kukuku my dear Kabuto, do not fret; I will train him personally and make him see the darkness. I might even have that Karin come by to show him 'family bonds'."

"…" Kabuto gave a deadpan look.

"Of course if that fails we do have mind torture and loyalty seals." Orochimaru finished lightly while tapping his chin thoughtfully. Kabuto sweat dropped but nodded. Their attention was then drawn to a rather abruptly conscious Jinchuuriki, who sniffed at the Oto garbs that were put on him; the old clothes were burned save for the shirt. Kabuto planned to keep it as black mail against Danzo Shimura for running a camp.

Looking at himself in the mirror, Orochimaru made sure he looked the part of a benevolent psychopathic leader and went to greet his new super weapon.

"Why hello there my little pet. Do you know where you are?" Orochimaru answered rhetorically. Naruto was still getting his bearings but shook his head no. The sannin about to continue into his prepared introduction into the greatness that was his plan when the Jinchuuriki pointed at him.

"But I know you! You're the snake man that framed Itachi- nii!" Naruto said without fear, remember the picture the Uchiha had shown him. Here Orochimaru got a tick mark.

"Oh for the love of immortality! No, I did not _'wipe out the Uchiha and frame Itachi- kun'_. Why would I wipe out a clan whose eyes and bodies I crave?"

Kabuto face palmed from the observation room.

"You…crave bodies? Without them allowing it?" Naruto asked with a slightly green tint.

"Of course they don't allow it but it matters not! I will occupy their bodies and" His rant was stopped by a gag.

"EW! You're a- a- a… a sex offender." Naruto pointed in accusation at the term his senpai had taught about people who touched others without consent.

 _'Must not slaughter, must not slaugher. He has to join Oto.'_ Was the snake sannin's chant.

"I… think we got off on the wrong foot. My name is Orochimaru, a very powerful shinobi, aspiring immortal, and the most handsome kage in the world. We are in Otogakure, a village soon to rival the other measly villages."

"Oh. Why am I here then?" Naruto asked. Orochimaru clapped his hands together.

"An excellent question, kukuku. You are a being filled with immense power, a Jinchuuriki! I have brought you here to become my personal weapon! Join me, Uzumaki, and we'll take down the wretched village that is Konoha and then the world!" Orochimaru held out his hand.

"Hmm…nah. I think I'll go home now; Shin- senpai and Sai- senpai are probably worried."

"… I'll give you power." Orochimaru promised.

"My senpais train me a whole lot!"

"Money"

"ANBU feeds me and Hokage- jiji gives me an allowance."

"Fame."

"Eh, but Nagato- nii says I'm more famous than the devil or something."

"…" Orochimaru was screaming inside and started pulling his hair out. What could he give to children? Kabuto slipped into the room and handed a slip of paper before stepping back out.

"Kukuku… how would you like unlimited… ramen?"

Naruto, who had taken to looking at the ceiling, snapped his head to the sannin.

"WHERE'S THE RAMEN?!" Was the rabid response.

 **Thirty six hours later, Konoha's Hokage Tower…**

The Hokage's office was over flowing with ANBU and ROOT, so much so that dozens were crammed around open windows. The pre dawn light illuminated the furious Hokage and Danzo Shimura, the Darkness of Shinobi knowing his life was on the line. Naruto had to be saved. The village on high alert and ANBU teams had been assigned to the ROOT's best trackers in search of the blonde.

"I don't know who or why, but Naruto Uzumaki, code name: Kitsune, has been kidnapped." Hiruzen said in a voice that defied his age. "The only clue was the faint trail that split into three." Danzo stepped up with the report Fu had handed only moments before from his and Torune's preliminary tracking efforts.

"We have ruled out two of them; one led uselessly back to the village in a corkscrew route. The second one simply stopped in a clearing with residue chakra, pointing to it being a clone whose purpose was to distract us."

"And the third?" Kakashi growled, his Sharingan flashing in the darkness.

"Over the border into the Land of Rice" Hiruzen intoned. Here Itachi gasped slightly. Everyone shifted their gaze to the prodigy. "Is there something we should be aware of Itachi- kun?"

"Hn. Hokage- sama, I remember a report Zetsu gave when my former associates still had their…goal."

"And?" This time it was an agitated Dragon.

"Well signs point to some sort of new hidden village being constructed there. Zetsu's last report was that there were hostile, well armed, and organized if not secret."

Danzo hummed slightly.

"It seems your idiot of a student was right Hiruzen. The 'Hidden Sound Village' is indeed more than a mere rumor. And now they have our Jinchuuriki."

"Hmm it appears so." Hiruzen closed his eyes for a moment before popping them open, plan set in motion. "This is war… a silent, deadly war. Shikaku" here he nodded to the jonin commander who nodded back. The shadow user didn't have to guess what his leader was going to say. "Shikaku… you and the jonin will protect the village while keeping the façade of normalcy up. Younger ROOT agents and three fourths of the ANBU- squads 10 through twenty along with the commander will suffice- will continue the normal black op missions. Danzo and I will lead the rest in an operation to retrieve our Jinchuuriki. Time is of the essence as they could be planning to control him or just remove the Bijuu. Either way they've signed their death warrants; no one from this village will be left alive to speak of our presence. Now, scatter!" At the commanding ring everyone assigned to the war party was out of the tower and leaving the village through the underground passages, a furious kage and Danzo at the front.

War was hell, but for once Hiruzen wouldn't back down from it. And, judging from the silent shift in the shinobi he led, neither did they.

 **Back in Oto…**

Naruto was devouring an average of twenty bowls an hour with no sign of stopping. Technically they were left to guard the Jinchuuriki and spread their 'Will of the Snake' that all Oto shinobi and kunoichi lived by… but even their induction techniques failed when Naruto began speaking with reverence about the 'Will of Fire' and its kindness and friendship as opposed to the Oto's version of 'leave the weak behind and serve Orochimaru forever with loyalty'. Orochimaru's body guards were never the same.

Kimimaro had since taken to wearing a Konoha head band from who knows where while the rest painted the symbols on their shirts.

"High priest- sama, another bowl?" The bone user asked in reverence.

"Yatta! Thanks guys, and I told you, my name is Kitsune or Naruto! Not 'high priest'." Naruto spoke between bites. Tayuya had stars in her eyes.

"But you are the high priest! You made us see the way, the truth, and the light! We live by faith and not by sight for the Will of Fire!" She practically shouted and the others cheered.

"Please, High priest- sama, lead us in the prayer you bestowed upon us." Sakkon begged. With a sigh Naruto set down his bowl, unbelieving that he had to deal with such _children._

"If I do can I have my chakra back?" Naruto asked, knowing they would probably refuse; but he had to get his chakra back and leave before Danzo- jiji and Hokage- jiji got too worried. To his surprise all five nodded their heads and he smiled brightly.

"Okay! Who are we!"

"Konoha ninja!" They replied boisterously.

"And what do we do?!"

"Triumph!"

"Because that's"

"OUR WILL OF FIRE!" The group finished together and Tayuya made a hand seal, releasing Naruto of the chakra seal that blocked both his and Kurama's chakra. A slight buzz filled the air as he flared it.

"Yatta! Well I have to go guys, remember to keep being great Konoha ninja!" Naruto saluted before bolting with another ramen bowl. The others held up their own bowl and saluted, watching the boy go with happy sighs.

"Not you guys too! Just what happened here?" Asked an irate Kabuto who had tied up Naruto instantly. "And why are you all wearing that despicable symbol?!" The man had come to have them escort Naruto to Orochimaru where they would all evacuate with the more powerful shinobi, leaving the genin and experiments to deal with the Hokage's secret invasion force. He had started noticing many of the lower ranks spewing 'Will of Fire' nonsense and it seemed to be permeating from this group. Well, he didn't have time to waste due to Konoha and prepared for the worst.

Kabuto still wasn't pleased that his distraction tactics failed to fool Konoha, even if he was in a rush.

Kimimaro nodded to his comrades in the Will of Fire. As one they charged and a flabbergasted Kabuto found himself defending a barrage of bones, webs, genjutsu, and kunai.

"Leave, High priest- sama, we will take out the trash." Kimimaro ordered. The Twins were trying to restrain the medic and Jirobu untied Naruto.

"Are you sure?" Naruto asked with slight tears; from what he'd heard, Kabuto was super strong. The sound five nodded with smiles.

"May the Will of Fire protect you!" They cheered and turned back to fighting. Unfortunately, Kabuto had already alerted Orochimaru through an alarm seal and smirked. He figured it would be great fun to destroy whatever brainwashing technique Naruto used when this was all over. Usually people gave into the 'Will of the Snake' as Kimimaro had practically made it a cult in his devotion to Orochimaru.

Ten minutes later the sound five were incapacitated and Naruto was captured and seated in front of Orochimaru in the sound booth where the sanin would give his speeches across the base. Every room had a speaker and all shinobi outside the village had a radio seal that would activate for Orochimaru whenever he pressed the 'recording on' button.

"Naruto- kun, why did you try to escape? Was the ramen not good enough?" Orochimaru asked, standing over the child who was seated in the overly large recording chair.

"Nah, it was great Snake- jiji!" Naruto complimented and tapped his chin. "I just have to get back home."

"…This is your home, Naruto- kun. Now explain why Kimimaro is wearing my old headband and everyone is shouting about the 'Will of Fire'?"

"Well it all started when they asked about a pamphlet I started reading when the bone guy was started talking about his Snake Will or something."

"P- pamphlet?" Orochimaru asked, perplexed as they never carried pamphlets (the Will of the Snake was a private club) and Naruto had been stripped of all belongings before he woke up.

"Eh? Oh yeah, Shin- senpai put it on my ANBU tattoo in a seal. He said it goes off when 'unbelievers try to corrupt' or something. He said everyone 'like us' has it, whatever that means." Here the blonde shrugged.

Ignoring the fact that seals don't just release without chakra and that Naruto had his sealed (Orochimaru vowed to mess with the impossible at a later date) and that it somehow activated on its own, Orochimaru instead decided he had to get his minions back to normal before his sensei showed up.

No way would he stand for his sound five and random underlings defecting mid battle.

"Kuku, please… tell me EXACTLY what you did and said." Orochimaru ordered so he could reverse engineer it. He was more than confidant he could withstand whatever jutsu or mind games the child tried.

Oh, those famous last words of the prideful. For Naruto, in all his curiosity, pressed the switch under the desk, thus making this conversation heard by all of Otogakure's main base.

 **With Konoha team, later…**

Sarutobi watched in amusement as several guards bowed and asked to be part of Naruto's little 'Will of Fire' cult. Shin, who had been silent along with Sai since they woke up to the knowledge that they essentially led Naruto to his capture, started cackling.

"That's my Priest- kohai! Come one, come all, I, the senpai to our high priest, has all the essentials! From induction pamphlets to figurines and even standard Konoha head bands, all for the fair price of two"

"HUNDRED THOUSAND Ryo each!" Hiruzen interjected already imagining filling the coffers up in the wake of Naruto's appetite.

Danzo couldn't resist his jaw dropping as the horde whipped out their money and bought at the very least a headband.

"Who runs this village? The border patrol agents only gave up where the village was, even their minds withheld who was in charge" Fu demanded.

To their surprise, they replied in unison.

"Orochimaru!" Silence filled the entrance to the underground base before Hiruzen motioned for the ANBU to follow him into the base.

Only for a darker aura than the kyubi to burst from the entrance, blowing the now…former(?) Oto shinobi away, many ROOT and ANBU following soon after.

"Hello there my foolish student. I see you haven't aged a day" Hiruzen said, Danzo and him standing firm against the oppressive aura. Two enraged snake eyes glared at him and stepped out of the base…

With Naruto biting his arm.

"And then I said the chant again and the spider guy started crying and" Naruto mumbled through his grasp. Orochimaru stopped ten feet from Hiruzen and Danzo.

He snarled.

He flipped them off.

And then he threw the Jinchuuriki into the Hokage's arms.

"Here's your little shit. I expect my shinobi to be turned over to me in light of their insanity. Now, get OUT OF MY VILLAGE!" Orochimaru screamed. Danzo blinked and shared a side eye with Hiruzen.

"Well there is the matter of you massacring the Uchiha. Not to mention those human experiments and kidnapping a Jinchuuriki" The Hokage said delicately, knowing they could feasibly take the haggard snake out seeing how he was out numbered and letting his emotions cloud his judgement. However, it would cost lives and he felt bad for some reason at the thought of potentially killing members of Naruto's cult.

"Aww Jiji, why not let him join Konoha? He even gave me lots and lots of ramen!" Said blonde interjected.

"I'm sorry but he cannot join the village."

"Well, why not let him be like Nagato- nii and the rest of the Akatsuki and give him a head band? He gave me ramen and ramen givers deserve a head band!" Hiruzen repressed a laugh at the thought of Orochimaru willingly wearing a Konoha headband.

Orochimaru waved his hands in frustration and swiped a head band from a subordinate's forehead and looked at Naruto.

"If I wear this head band and swear a treaty with… Konoha… you will keep him away from my shinobi and return the so called 'converted'. Also, Kabuto stays here, his tea is too delicious." Hiruzen went slacked jaw at the rather plain terms.

"I… I think that's acceptable, but your atrocious past"

"Can be forgiven if you pay five hundred million ryo to the village." Danzo hushed the Hokage. Hiruzen grew a tick mark but allowed it.

"Deal. Now take that insssufferable thing away. I'll send Kabuto with the peace treaty next month" Orochimaru hissed and went back inside, his snakes rounding up the converted. Already he was planning a move to the far side of the Land of Rice.

"Bye bye Snake- jiji! I'll come back to visit!" Naruto shouted happily, completely dismissing the ordeal he just went through.

' _Far, far side of Rice'_ the sannin corrected.

As Orochimaru left, Naruto and the Konoha group headed home, Naruto being handed around from one ANBU to the next.

Not even Flamingo complained, as ANBU finally had their mascot back and not even the Juubi could spoil their 'victory'.

 **Epilogue…**

Today was the day, the day Naruto's long standing mission at the academy was ending the second Sasuke and his class received their head bands. The blonde looked back with smiles as he watched over the class from his perch. A lot had changed in the past year since the infamous 'Camp Danzo' (which he was going to again, much to his dismay), including the discovery that Iruka set some one up as the spy.

 **Flashback, one month! Nighttime at Iruka's apartment…**

Mizuki cackled as he helped the stupidest ANBU interrogate Iruka once more as his friends were unavailable. The man was biding his time and getting closer to the brat to kidnap him. The last correspondence he had gotten from Kabuto- sama was for information about the boy for Orochimaru- sama. Mizuki didn't know why but his master wanted him.

That message had been a year ago. Kabuto had vanished, along with numerous spies of Orochimaru, leaving Mizuki alone to finish the task. He heard about the 'treaty' with Otogakure and was certain it had something to do with his master's absence. No one knew who the elusive leader was or where the village really resided but surely Orochimaru- sama had to stay hidden from such a strong alliance. Mizuki knew that if he kidnapped the boy and took him to the Land of Tea's base, he'd get answers and recognition. The opportunity was tonight, after he finished gloating to a bound and paralyzed Iruka while Naruto washed his hands, tired from painting Iruka with glitter and making him sneeze.

"Mizuki, why are you helping Kitsune?!" Iruka whispered in annoyance. He put up with the boy's attempts as the Hokage started giving Iruka extra pay and Kitsune broken paralyzing tags, but to see his friend join in was too much.

Mizuki cackled and pulled out a shuriken.

"Well, well Iruka, I just wanted to see you one last time." The blue haired chunin sliced his former friend's cheek.

"O- one last time?"

"Well yes, you see I was the one that encouraged Kitsune to keep seeing you as a spy! That idiot of a Hokage who kept me from a better rank was so inept that he thought YOU were a spy! Don't make me laugh. It gave me the freedom to move around, serving my master. Now I can kill you and take that idiot to Orochimaru- sama."

"Mizuki!" Iruka gasped and instinctively blocked Mizuki's downward swipe with the shuriken. Mizuki's eyes widen in surprise, sure that Iruka was immobilized (why else would he let Kitsune paint his face rainbow colored).

"H- how" only to find himself stuck with the real paralyzing tags the Hokage had given to Iruka for if Naruto ever got out of hand.

"Hey! How'd you get out!" Came Naruto's shout from the kitchen.

 **Flashback end!**

Naruto still wasn't convinced Iruka hadn't made Mizuki say things but Ibiki- senpai kept saying that Mizuki was a traitor and would be punished severely while Iruka was innocent.

Much to the other ANBU's chagrin, Naruto still stalked the man occasionally 'just to be sure.' On the bright side Iruka's skills had improved enough for a special jonin promotion within the year.

Not that Naruto knew that.

For now, the blonde cheered as every classmate walked out with a head band.

"Bow before me, Shin the GREAT! For I have gotten my official headband mwhahaha!" Shin burst through the door, dragging a resigned Sai who had purposefully failed as was the plan, but Shin was excited. Even if he had been doing missions since they were six, this was a big milestone in Shin's eyes. The pale boy joined Naruto on his ledge and started drawing, knowing he would be on more missions with Naruto while Shin babysat

Sasuke came out next, puffing up proudly at his head band. Naruto waved and was once again confused when Sasuke flinched and muttered something about stalkers. Oh well, Hokage- jiji cleared his loyalty so Naruto wasn't worried.

"Alright class, please sit down for team assignments." Iruka called and sweat dropped as Naruto once again zeroed in on the chunin. Ignoring him, Iruka pressed on. "As you know, we usually wait a few days for team assignments, but councilman Danzo was kind enough to offer training for you all starting in two days. Please listen quietly. Team one…" Naruto instantly tuned out, as did his friends.

"Team seven: Sasuke Uchiha, Sakura Haruno, and…Shin." Cue Sasuke beating his head into his desk. "Your sensei is Itachi Uchiha." Here Sasuke gave a fist bump and Shin banged his head, bemoaning his enemy. When everyone settled down, Iruka continued on.

Finally each team finished, and Naruto looked at Sai, feeling like he was forgetting something.

"Hey, Senpai?"

"Yes, Kitsune" Sai answered while drawing. "Did you forget today was the day your 'cousin' was coming to Konoha for political meetings?" Amusement was evident in his voice.

"Oh shoot! You're right, gotta go. Bye Sai, Shin, Traitor, Sasuke!" Naruto said frantically and dashed out the windows towards the gate, leaving a confused class.

 **At the gates…**

Nagato was rather glad the long journey was over. Wearing his noble robes, he walked through the village with Konan, praying his village would still be standing when he went home. As it was, he wasn't surprised when his neck got heavier and opted for a sigh.

"Cousin, how many times do I have to tell you not to come within fifty feet of me?"

"I don't remember but let's go get ramen!" Naruto begged. Konan was already up ahead, passing out the infamous pamphlets to the numerous passerby. Nagato let out another sigh and wished he could make everything explode like good old days before he was a legitimate leader.

"Fine fine. Might as well get this over with. Sarutobi- sama can wait for an hour; I am rather famished from the long journey." Nagato gave in while ignoring that he had ramen not one hour ago at a stand in a small village.

The two cousins walked along to the stand, catching up on what happened since Nagato's visit in the winter. That one had been for an early birthday party. Rumor was Shin had taken off his clothes and run around the village naked, Naruto in his ANBU mask chasing him, both of them drunk out of their minds.

Nagato noticed, even if his cousin didn't, that the various ANBU still watched like hawks. Even after Kitsune took down his organization, inspired the Kiri rebellion's leader Zabuza to open trade with Konoha, and turned Orochimaru's village into a war of ideologies (much to Nagato's sick pleasure even as he funneled the now out lawed Will of Fire merchandise to the country), they still strove to protect him.

Strangely, Nagato knew that if anyone threatened his cousin and his ridiculous peace he had established, that the ANBU would find themselves rushing to get to the ones responsible before Nagato did.

After all, family is family, and Naruto made his rather unique one more loyal than any adversity that came along.

Even if the psycho was unaware of it.

Yes, life was better than before the boy stumbled into his fortress, Nagato thought, and then sputtered at his cousin.

"What do you mean you set the Daimyo on fire?!" He demanded when his cousin off handedly mentioned it.

"Eh, he he, it was an accident. We had to kill some bad guy named 'Diamond' but I read 'Daimyo'. That's not the best part though!"

By the end of the ludicrous tale, Naruto had managed to get the Daimyo indebted to Konoha and a decree that ramen was the national dish. Nagato couldn't be more proud.

 **And finally, later that night!**

Naruto sat with his various senpai and ROOT friends; even Danzo had begrudgingly tagged along. The atmosphere was solemn as Naruto put a flower on a small grave, the last one of over fifty. They arrived after Nagato left and now the stars were the only light in the cemetary.

"Think my parents would be proud? Even though the village doesn't see me as a hero?" Naruto asked in a small voice while he looked at the grave.

 _ **Here Lies Naruto Uzumaki Namikaze**_

 _ **Declared Dead: May, AD 4500**_

 _ **May he rest in the pure world with**_

 _ **The Heroes…**_

Sarutobi put his hand on the blonde's shoulder and squeezed.

"I know they are; you were their world, Naruto. And you are a hero, the best kind there is."

"T- the best kind?" Naruto rubbed the tears in his eyes. The Hokage smiled.

"Yes, the kind that picked the village over himself, and who protects everyone every day, even if they don't know it. Your family, all of us, knows it."

"Yeah Priest- kohai, cheer up!" Shin shouted from his spot, Tora meowing in agreement from atop his head.

"Brother…sigh, but yes, cheer up, for you are a hero and kohai: Naruto Uzumaki Namikaze. Even if no one else knows it here."

"Yeah, my favorite little brother shouldn't be so down." Boar interjected.

"Even though you think I'm the devil, I see you as a hero and a fine shinobi." Iruka admitted.

"Hn, you've accomplished much." Itachi admitted.

"And I'm proud of you, apprentice… now do my paperwork." Dragon said, plopping down a stack of paperwork.

"Maa, did you say something?" Kakashi eye smiled.

"And no matter what, know that it's not about the fame or recognition that makes you a hero; it's about the people you save." Hiruzen said finally. Danzo grunted.

"Just keep your emotions in check and I'll let you live."

Naruto smiled at everyone widely and laughed when Shin demanded the chant. The adults rolled their eyes as the most infamous team put their hands together.

"Who are we?!" Naruto asked as he slipped on his mask.

"Konoha ninja!" Sai and Shin declared.

"What do we do?"

"Triumph!"

"Because that's"

"OUR WILL OF FIRE!" Surprisingly every ANBU joined their mascot, and Kakashi threw Naruto over his shoulder.

"Time for some funeral cake for the mascot!" Cheers could be heard from the group as the dysfunctional family left.

"Man, I'll miss our team, even if it is only disbanded until Sasuke becomes a chunin." Shin admitted, a wave of melancholy washing over him once the ANBU were gone.

"Brother, I feel the same way…"

"Actually, you'll find Kitsune on a long term 'protection mission' to keep Sasuke Uchiha sane… he has been rather twitchy and paranoid." Hiruzen said with a twinkle in his eye. Shin grinned but then frowned as Sai would be left out.

"I guess I will be re assigned" Sai mumbled in a stoic voice.

Danzo gritted his teeth as his left foot was crushed by Hiruzen's and scoffed at the smile sent his way.

"Actually… your job is to make sure your team mates don't cause an international incident on missions. Now leave us." Danzo ordered.

Soon it was just the two sides of the shinobi left by the grave. The Kami and Yami of shinobi stared at the stone.

"Do you think I did right? Making him sign the contract, faking his death, and now ensuring he's a ghost? Taking away his chance of being in the light?" Hiruzen asked quietly.

"Hmm..," Danzo hummed. "I rarely see the good in this world, but somehow that boy made the darkest roots of my soul become grey; for that, I thank you for whatever mistakes you think you made. Now, let's go: Kitsune should be taking a bite of the coffee cake at this point and it is bound to be amusing."

"You didn't!" Hiruzen gasped. Danzo just smirked.

"No, but my mother may have heard Kitsune loves coffee cake with six layers of chocolate icing and sent one for the party."

"You are evil, my old friend."

"I try, Hiruzen. I try."

"And fat."

"At least I'm not a smoker."

"And at least I don't make shinobi emotionless."

"And I don't let four year olds sign contracts with crayons!"

"Tsk, it was the only thing I had."

"Old monkey."

"Foolish warhawk."

The bickering continued with no real malice. And when the ANBU HQ exploded with five hundred ANBU clad Naruto's running around in a sugar rush, they shared a good laugh that proved no matter the quarrels, a little sunshine could wash the hate away.

 **End!**

 **So, this chapter was a beast. I ended this on a mixture of stupidity and sweet, showing how much Naruto and everyone has grown. This has to be my favorite fanfiction to write, as it was what started growing my readership. I hope everyone enjoyed this fanfiction as much as I have and ask for you leave a review telling me:  
1\. Favorite or least favorite part of the story**

 **2\. Favorite character**

 **3\. How did you like the ending. I have planned this ending for awhile, and have hinted that Naruto would indeed always be in ANBU. I respect cannon for how much he gained their respect, but at the same time it's not the only way his life could have gone. Just one change, and he might have become something different…**

 **Perhaps even the ANBU's mascot.**

 **With love,**

 **Riku**


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